School raised concerns over childs home life

This

This is a really ill informed post.
Would you say that the siblings if a physically disabled child should be able to live in peace without the clutter of wheelchairs and hoists?
I'm not trying to be rude but you are commenting on something that you really don't understand.

It's really common for children to mask at the non resident parent's house. They only let the mask slip when with the parent they feel safest with.

There is a wealth of professional research indicating this, whether or not you 'buy' it.

Unfortunately, teachers currently don't have any specialised SEND training as a matter of course, meaning you will find uninformed opinions amongst them as well as random posters on mumsnet.

Hopefully getting more specialised professionals from the LA involved will help your son OP.

I work in a related field. I find that actually the TAF and having other professionals involved means they take the issues you are dealing with from your son more seriously.
I find schools can be terrible for gaslighting parents that it must be their fault if they don't see the behaviours at school (I say that as a former teacher and unfortunately this is a real problem).

I would use it as an opportunity to try and get some help and support for you, your autistic son and their sibling.

If they feel you need help it will because your son's needs are complex not because they feel you are lacking as a parent.

Do you think he is a PDA profile of autism?

If so they need a completely different approach to parenting. It's really really hard. Iv saw lady on fb clips called at peace parenting and have found it helpful.

If I'd been offered this kind of proactive intervention 2 years ago, I'd have jumped at the chance to get the support. At the time I very nearly did a self referral to SS. Thankfully, our lives have transformed (for the better) since then, but there was a very, very low point. Take the help, op. That's my strong recommendation. Also, sounds like your child could be masking at school leading to the behaviours you see at home. A TAF meeting is a positive step because it means the school recognise you need more support.

No, it seems the father is a male and has that kind of authority ( not the best kind of authority) over his son, but also goes with him to pubs - no restraint, just freedom

He may well do. It's not unheard off at all.

It's also not unheard of for one parent to have no problems because they have no boundaries. the parent left trying to enforce bedtimes, homework etc gets all the push back, not the one that says it's fine to be on your Xbox til 2am, eating sweets.

It's also not unheard of for a child experiencing abuse in one house, to act up on the other as they don't know how to explain it.

I'm not saying any of these are the situation, but it's really not as simple as behaving in one setting, means that's the good settting getting it right.

It is of course possible that dad has more patience, is responding better to the situations. It might be because he has the child less often so has more rest or just has a different temperament. (Just for balance)

Behaving punitively in this situation is not going to help.

This is true. It is also true that children with disabilities can also be naughty. It is a challenge to work out what is going down sometimes. Also non disabled siblings have a right to peaceful enjoyment of their home.

Punishing a child for not yet having developed sufficiently cognitively or emotionally to cope in better ways will not work. Their current developmental capacities are insufficient to cope more adaptively with the environmental stressors they are facing.

You wouldn't think it was reasonable to punish a child in a wheelchair for not walking quickly enough.

Does he mask at his dad's as well then? Sorry I don't buy that

The behavior probably isn't happening at school that's what masking is ,the Ops child is just about keeping everything together at school and then explodes at home ,that doesn't mean the child is fine on school just that they are not exhibiting the undesirable behaviour there.

Send him to live with his Dad for a month and see how that goes! He needs to see this other side to him. I'd also start documenting his behavioirs so you have this as back up.

I'd also start punishing him - who gives a shit about his threats, you can't be his prisoner!

The school are irresponsible for sending you that message and then letting christmas break happen.

Surely if the behaviour was happening at school towards other children their parents would be asking questions even if the school were determined to say otherwise, no?

I'm just believing the OP, she knows her child, we don't.

This is the problem with AIBU.

Many families of disabled children the length and breadth of Britain go through stages of having very difficult home lives. They are denied the specialist support to help manage their children's conditions, they are denied respite, their children are often shamed and excluded within mainstream education, they are frequently victimised by peers and are enduring an uncomfortable sensory environment at school in which their needs and distress are often not well understood. They may not be able to access the sorts of childcare other families take for granted, which in turn can add financial pressures to the mix. This amounts to a major social crisis but it plays out in individual family homes, where to add the final insult to injury, onlookers then feel entitled to criticise children and parents for failing to behave normatively, adding social stigma on top of everything else. This takes a toll on the health of all household members.

This is how hundreds of thousands families live at any given time. The idea that the answer for children in this situation is to be taken into care is wildly unrealistic if you think of the cost and capacity issues, and aside from a much small number of exceptional situations, wildly inappropriate if you consider the child outcomes associated with this. With specialist input, Families can often find strategies that dramatically improve their situation. Getting needs met at school can also make a massive difference. As a nation we should be prioritising these things. They are much better to fix than dark fantasies about institutionalising large numbers of neurodivergent children.

This is really hard. All parties in this situation deserves compassion.

You might want to have a look at PACE (Dan Hughes) which is a way of thinking about parenting where there have been issues of trauma or attachment issues. Not saying those are factors at play here (although a lot of neurodivergent children do experience trauma), just that it is a really helpful framework for reflecting on your relationship with your child and what might be going on for you and them.

Some autistic children find it hard to admit to having broken rules, as that can feel quite a threatening thing to acknowledge, if you are very rules-focused.

Could be but whatever way you look at it the poor other children are at risk of being hurt or ending up with severe mental health issues. So for all round it would be better that the child goes to live with dad or goes into care because the op cannot deal with him and he's only going to get bigger and stronger.

Mum might be his safe space?

But he's ok when he's at his dad's too

You don't ever do that are you stupid? What if there was a house fire?

Respite? Residential care? Dream on!

You can think whst you like but it ain't going to happen.