School raised concerns over childs home life

Having disabled children and being disabled yourself is an example of now life can be bloody unfair. But rejecting a child whose disability makes them difficult to live with, rather than seeking the help and support they need isn't the answer.

The OP has asked for advice on how to challenge school's view that this is related to her parenting and how to secure support for her family.

For posters to randomly suggest she send her DS to live elsewhere or go into care is unbelievably cruel.

No, I would say that they have a right not to be exposed to risk of physical harm, the trauma of seeing their mother physically and verbally abused and never knowing which of their belongings will be destroyed next. I am confused why you think their physical and psychological safety is less important than that of their ASD sibling. Whether intentional or unintentional this behaviour will have a lasting impact and parents have a duty of care to all of their children. I say this as someone who is physically disabled and is a parent to a child with ADHD and ASD challenging behaviours with an NT younger sibling.

Self refer to social work/early help in your area, as a matter of urgency.

Thanks you @HelloWorldItsNiceToMeetYou. It's important people understand this.

Which point
Sorry missed your last post

It depends what support is available in your area, but a typical TAF intervention in my LA might look like:
Young carers referral for sibling )as impacted even if not giving care) and explore what nurture support school can provide.
Camhs referral for anger management
Specialist teachers who can do a programme of emotional literacy work, PBS (positive behaviour support) practitioners
Ed psych referral to understand his presentation more.
Paediatrics referral if suspicion of ADHD
Parent sessions (not suggesting your parenting is lacking, but to learn specific techniques for managing ND behaviours)
Carers assessment from social care to look at the impact on you and siblings
Pressure from social care to school to explore if needs are being met and if that is impacting presentation at home)
Does he have an EHCP? If it appears that unmet needs at school are impacting his presentation you may need support from social care to push for this
I would also contact your local SENDIASS service for advocacy and support if school are trying to batt it all back to you.
In my LA the early help /TAF team will also do targeted family support sessions.
If you meet the threshold, they could make a social care referral for a 'child with disability' social worker (nothing to do with child protection or safeguarding). This is usually a prerequisite to getting any sort of respite support.

Your key supporters at this point should be the TAF coordinator and the SENDIASS advisor.

I hope things get better for you xxx

Or should I say misbehaving but now you have worded it like that I understand.

I agree with what you say. I just disagreed with the point about behaviour.

I'm saying that what the OP is describing is not 'misbehaving'. He will not be able to just choose to regulate himself and control his impulses in that moment. Dysregulation is a complex state involving brain function and the central nervous system.
I'm going to step back from your comments because after 20 years working in this field (both research and practitioner worl with children and families) and as a mum of 3 autistic children what I am saying is based on extensive, evidence based, peer reviewed research and practice. I don't really know how to respond to someone who disagrees based on assumptions...

I have had successful outcomes with many children and their families and it was never as a result of punishment or labelling them as naughty.

Are you saying children on the spectrum can't misbehave? Of course they can!

Honestly, I know what you are saying seems logical to you. If you read up on attachment theory, PDA and autism you will realise it would not help things all.
It would traumatise the disabled child. Traumatised mum with the guilt of sending her child away. The youngest child would live with the guilt the siblings was sent away for their benefit.
Honestly it would just cause trauma all round.
Professional support and intervention in a planned and person centred way is needed.

Just like he's damaging the youngest child irreparably?

Maybe some time out of the house would each him to behave better.

I think that is what is hard for people to understand. I have 3 kids with ASD who have all been through extremely challenging phases behaviour wise and it was awful. It's bad enough without stigma and judgement.

What actually was a turning point for my youngest who has the most complex needs was moving to a special school for year 7. He's a changed child. But I really had to fight for it.
I genuinely believe all the anger was the distress of having to cope with school/life/dads (I'm also divorced from far, and he also doesn't see these behaviour during his limited Disney dad time)

Life as a SEND parent can just be shit at times

It's really like shit for parents in your position with a child in mainstream a team around the family meeting can only offer so much your entitled to have your child's needs assessed you might possibly be offered parenting course ,s such as Triple p and may be direct payments for a few hours a week. People suggesting residential school are completely out of touch with reality unfortunately

I know you weren't, I was responding to the previous poster who suggested you should put the child with a disability in care for the benefit of the sibling.

You are absolutely entitled to want some peace and respite from his behaviours/presentation.

I hope you didn't think I was criticizing you.

In both cases it is the impact of one child's disability on siblings. It is well known to have a negative impact and instead of vilifying the child with the disability seeking support for the family is appropriate.

The fact that you can accept a problem is beyond a child's control due to a physical disability but not a neuro diverse one, is typical of the ableist attitudes that families with ND disabilities face.

That is a ridiculous comparison, hoists and wheelchairs in the house and hallway dont cause significant emotional or physical harm or cause the house to have criminal damage to it

"problem child".
What a lovely way to describe a child who is struggling with his disability.

If a parent in any other scenario on here suggested not wanting their child to live with them to make it better for the golden child, they would rightly be handed their arse.

However people talk about disabled children as though the are disposable.

If he is struggling emotionally now, just what do you think the rejection of his one safe person, mum, would do?

It's just an awful attitude.

Honestly the ignorance of some posters on here is ridiculous.

What a ridiculous post.
There are no magic wand answers for families whose children have complex needs.
The LA won't take him into care if he has a safe and loving home.
And it would damage him irreparably.

That's a very typical presentation do for an autistic child.