School raised concerns over childs home life

But I assume that the school has told her this. She isn't present at school so is only saying what she has been told.

It's a classic situation with children diagnosed with autism. Really eveyone working with these children are aware of it.

Put locks on bedroom doors for starters.

That’s good. Has your ex been invited to the meeting too? I do think him living away for a bit and you guys having one on one time will really help. I also think social services are not the miracle workers they are sometimes described as on here - they are so overstretched and they won’t necessarily offer loads of help. But if you and tour ex can sort the living arrangements that is good. It may be that he just needs one on one attention that you can’t give due to his younger sibling. And obviously you have the younger one to think of too - the solution can’t be that he has to suffer so that his brother can stay in your home at all costs.

Also people who claim that posters have posted before under a different name are so annoying- you literally don’t know that (unless the writing style is incredibly distinct or the facts so unusual).

Oh my God what a binfire this thread is. I think it’s time @mnhq put a standard notice on SEN threads rather than allowing uninformed abuse. @Smith212 does your son’s ASD diagnosis include PDA? If he was diagnosed younger with fewer demands it might not have been apparent. Have a look online at Eliza Fricker’s site and her books / courses. If he’s masking in school and freaking out at home, are things calmer in the holidays?

I think you and your other child should live separately from DH and problem child.

Or problem child should go into a residential home.

So, @Smith212 are you saying the school are saying he’s fine at home but you think they are lying?

As suggested up thread, get locks on doors, fridge and cupboards etc.

Otherwise, put your younger DC first and ask for the eldest to be taken into care.

OP, I hear that you're struggling. Like really really struggling. If I were you I would have contacted SS myself because clearly your son is unwell and your family life is hell. You definitely need some intervention for your family. Please see this meeting as a way to get some help.

What’s your relationship like with his dad? What happens at dad’s home that is different from being with you? It would be helpful to find out what helps for your son so he can feel better regulated when he’s with you.

Autistic children often mask outside their home and then let it all out once they feel safe at home with their primary care giver

The current circumstances around your home life sound chaotic. It’s extremely frightening for all of your children to have clothes ripped up and things destroyed. There needs to be an immediate intervention as your DS will very soon hit puberty and his mood will worsen. Take all the advice, help and resources you can. Intervention early is key. Would your ex consider parenting classes, along side you? This could work so you both have the same parenting style, creating a firm and strong boundary between parents and children. Kids need familiarity.

Could he live with his dad (I know you say he’s useless but it seems he’s more settled there for some reason - maybe due to no other siblings). It will give you and your other child a much needed break. It sounds awful and the moment.

But the OP has stated that the behaviour is "only at home and towards me" that's from her not the school.

I don't see anyone here being judgemental . You have done so much for your children. It's okay to get help to sort things. And you are offeret help. Go for it.

It's clear you are his "safe space" so get all of this behaviour from him.

It sounds like your ex doesn't parent him particularly well if they are constantly at a pub. I think for your younger DC sake he needs to be in a residential unit. His needs are greater than you can provide as a single parent to 2.

Oh purlease. School saying am ASD child is 'fine' is classic from schools who don't want to see. Maybe this would be better on the SN board op where more posted have knowledge of how awful customs to parents of ASD children can be.

Loads and loads of schools, sw'ers etc don't believe the mum.

Here you are getting general MN'ers , some judgemental, who would never believe some of the awful things that schools and SS do.

That's an excellent point, if the undesirable behaviour is, as OP says "only at home and towards me" then what exactly would the school be working to change?

There hasn't been one judgemental post on this thread OP. Hearing something you don't like isn't 'judgemental'.

You say his behaviour is fine at school?

If that is the case, there will obviously be a limit in what the school can do to ‘finally support’ you if the issues are solely at home.