School raised concerns over childs home life

There are clearly reasons for concern here, serious ones, but this doesn't mean you are being blamed. You and your child need help, and social services should be able to direct you towards the right support. Or the school might be able to.

It's hard on your own, but setting boundaries and sticking to them is important, as is doing it in a supportive way. I know it's hard, but the 'I'll tell your dad' route is not the way to go. We had some training in therapeutic parenting for very challenging behaviour from my ASD DGD, and it helped a lot. Consistency was one important aspect, another was never directing criticism towards the child, only towards the behaviour. It's truly tough, and I really feel for you dealing with this on your own.

Maybe it would be better if your DS lived with his father for a while, allowing you to focus on your other child. That would give his dad some experience of the kinds of behaviour you are describing and it might give him the push he needs to back you up and devise a joint parenting strategy so your son can stop playing one off against the other.

What’s the current split of time between you and his dad? What about the younger child?

Several people have asked if dad can be the resident parent which you haven’t replied to, it seems a sensible option. Are there other children at dad’s?

You’re all struggling terribly and it sounds like the younger child is living in a war zone so limiting the time they spend together would help.

My thoughts exactly. Unfortunately this should have been set up before the volatile behaviour started getting out of control because he sounds like he lies compulsively. This footage should be shown to the GP and social services so they can get the help you need. Otherwise it might be seen that you are actually doing what your son says you’re doing, but you are saying that it’s all him as there isn’t any evidence to support your claims. You and your youngest need a break and hopefully your son can get some brief respite with a change of scenery at his father’s place. School need to be on board so they too can support you as they have the best interest for your son at heart.

This.

SS are viewed as the enemy. That's not true. They are there to help address problems.

If he's doing this at home then it could be because he feels secure with you and he's taking out the frustration on you that he bottles up from other situations.

That's consistent with some sort of neuro-diversity issue.

You won't be the only one in this situation.

You have my sympathies. Maybe keep a log of his behaviour over Christmas for the meeting? I have a profoundly autistic relative who eventually moved into a care setting as living in the home was causing stress they couldn't communicate and they acted out physically. Obviously I'm not suggesting this as an option for you, but to realise that sometimes it's nothing you've done wrong that causes destructive behaviour. Go to the meeting with the mindset they're there to help you and both of your children, see what they suggest.

Ffs this comes up every time there is a similar thread it's not thst easy just to put a child in care if you cant offer any sensible advice you should just read and run.

Put covert cameras in the blind spots and don't let him know they're there.

Or just make sure there are no blind spots with more visible cameras.

It sounds incredibly exhausting and stressful.

I remember watching a programme a while ago about a family where the son was like this, I can't remember what he was diagnosed with, but as he got older the family actually feared for their lives so I hope you get some serious help and respite.

Thwbschp are right to raise concerns about his home life, it sounds appalling.

Your youngest child is living I fear, and will likely grow up to resent you - rightly so - unless you deal with it before your son goes through puberty.

It sounds like this has come at the right time, no one deserves to live in an abusive environment; whether that’s from your child or someone else.

You say your child’s father takes him constantly to an inappropriate environment with alcohol and presumably some unsavoury people. You need to stop contact if he’s exposing your vulnerable child to risk. Your child is easy prey for bad people there.

You need to protect your other children.

I think it’s time to be very honest with the school and child protection services, tell them everything. See what they can offer you.

If he behaves at his Dad's would his Dad have him over Xmas so your other son can have a decent Xmas? Longer term you could self refer to SS and ask for a SW or a family worker to take him out once a week. You'd have to pay for it.

What is Dad doing differently that is working for your DS? Can you try to replicate whatever is happening there?

Schools can struggle to help families where the children mask successfully all day at school - I’m a teacher and when are asked for our part of a CAMHS referral, for example, we can’t lie! So if the child is masking successfully at school then we have to write that they don’t show the behaviours that Mum sees.

Sometimes the child does “let it out” because Mum is the safe space. However, sometimes Mum just has poor parenting boundaries, or the relationship with the child has broken down. No one can say which situation this is without seeing what’s happening and how the OP is responding.

Could you and your ex look into parenting classes aimed at ASD children? The strategies can be very different especially if child has a PDA profile.

I don’t know about this OP, but it’s overwhelmingly obvious in many cases from someone’s writing style, or themes and situations that are repeated, even when they’re presented from another angle, or reversed.

I don't say you have done anything wrong in your job.

I'm saying that it's quite common for children with autism to behave differently at home than at school. It's a known phenomenon.

Send him to his dads and see if he magically behaves himself?

Hidden cameras are cheap and relatively easy to set up.

I think in the short term he needs to go and live with his dad for a while to give you and your other dc a break and so that his father experiences what he’s really like.

@Smith212 Crikey OP, it sounds like you've been dealing with hell - I completely understand how you must be feeling. I haven't read everyone's post, but I have read all of yours so it's clear someone has already suggested hidden cameras in the house to prove you're not lying about how bad your DS is at home and whilst you have some, he knows where they are and you can't afford more right now. When he's next acting up, could you covertly record him on your phone? (Not video, obviously, just audio?) Just to get some evidence of the way he speaks to you? As someone else has suggested, if he's OK at his dad's maybe the solution is for him to live there FT and your other DC live FT with you?

I think social services involvement isn't necessarily bad. If he is that chaotic at home, then atleast for your other child. Social services job is to support the family unit and it's not working you trying to do this alone. What your having to deal with is rough and you can only do for so long and still be sane! I would be ripping their arm off for what support you can get for all of you.

Also keep evidence, photos, take videos of him ripping your clothes ect. Send the videos straight to somebody you trust/ secure email or backed up somewhere he can't access so he can't delete them off your phone.

Also ask school what they implement at school and how that works see if they can support and be onboard.

A lot of times children let all their emotions out in the place they feel safe, so he might be good at school and at dad's because he's holding it in, when he's at your house that's when all those emotions are released because he knows he can and you will still be there. I know it's not much comfort but a lot of times it's the child's only way to try and regulate whatever is going on, so is there any external support for him? Can social services/ school help with this? Don't take this as everyone is against me, use it as a yes there is a problem how can you help because I'm struggling.

Hi OP,

I have had a quick read through and wanted to comment here as you’ll be worrying about this over Christmas I’m sure. Firstly , what you are describing can be very common for families where there are competing needs. You haven’t said what school provision your child has but I would assume they have additional support and an EHCP. I am a psychologist and often work with families like yours.

A TAF meeting is very much a supportive space- I am shocked and surprised if you haven’t had one of these before, it’s just good practice to have them between services to ensure we are provide the care that’s needed. If you’ve been asking for help this is the way you get it really. I’m sorry they’ve made you feel as though there is something wrong here. What you describe is a difficult home situation, I don’t think anybody is necessarily saying you’ve done anything wrong, but ultimately the hope is that with extra support in the home and changes to approaches to parenting, that this might stop happening. Often it can be easy to feel defensive and take this as a criticism to parenting- but it can be extremely difficult to parent a neurodiverse child without support and you will need support and education to understand specifically how you need to approach your own child. Often things are worse at home because a child feels safer there. But also if things are wildly different between settings we would want to make sure everyone is very consistently approaching the child in the same way. Just as a side note, some of the ways you have apprached this so far (as you have described in your post) , are unlikely to work and wouldn’t be how we might approach managing the behaviour if we were working together, so it does sound like there are things that you can work on at home (with the right support). That isn’t to say you’ve done anything wrong, as you’re just approaching this using the normal way most people would approach their child- it just won’t work in this case.

I would imagine following the TAC you will have additonal support in place and there will be another meeting planned to review progress. The hope is for you to leave feeling more supported, honestly it sounds as though what you have been asking for has finally been recognised.

I’m a teacher working with ‘these’ children. If a child’s behaviour is challenging, I tell their parents, I’m not going to tell them they are fine and had a good day, if they bit someone/destroyed their belongings.

The terminology and the timing may be unsettling, but this could actually be an opportunity that you've been asking for. A TAF meeting means people have recognised that you and both your DCs are in difficulty and need help.

Rather than going in to defend yourself, this is a time to gather your evidence - what is happening to all of you, what you've tried, what you feel you need to help each of you. Get photos and videos of the damage, audio recordings etc. Get records together of courses and groups you've tried and how they helped or didn't.

Agree with others: would it be possible for him to live with his dad for a while at least? On the meantime, you can work on getting the help you need to put systems in place?
I've got 0 experience or knowledge about this, but I'm really sorry for you and both of your children, and I see the situation is unsustainable 🙏

Accept the help and engage fully with them.

You can’t carry on like this. What will happen when he’s older and physically stronger?

Im a bit confused about why you think this meeting is a negative thing or has 'come out the blue' when you yourself say you have been asking for help, isnt this surely in response to that?

The child doesnt need to have said anything about you specifcially in terms of your parenting, but to simply describe the home conditions will tell anyone that there are concerns about the home experience, for him, for you, for the other children. Thats a fact isnt it?