To ask at what point you stop 'raising' your kids?

My DD is 17 and she just tells me where she's going and what time she'll be back - it's usually before 10.30 on a school night and 12 on a weekend/holiday. She works so has her own money and will be at uni in a year or so, for me it's important she has a taste of freedom now so it's not a novelty factor when she's away from home. It's about learning self regulation (often through mistakes/feeling crappy the next day/missing out on something etc)

I never argued with my toddlers about coats ( just took it with us and sometimes they put it on ). No harm comes by being cold !

don’t argue over dumb stuff like this
when she talks about the other stuff just be super positive and encouraging chance of her doing it is vvv slim

7pm and the coat thing ridiculous.
University and the travelling thing - these are likely to take place when she has turned 18 and there won't be damn thing you can do about it.
Actually, the biggest "control" tool you have here is to encourage the uni and travelling plans by advocating hard study which requires lots of time in her own bedroom alone, a healthy environment, healthy lifestyle, lots of self care, perhaps a little part time job then she'll have excellent results to attend any university she wants and the money for some travels.
But it's hard to make the transition between telling them what to do and steering them with a smile.

You are inadvertently pushing her away by holding on too tight. She is dreaming of freedom and autonomy and that is why she wants to fly far away and soon.
Try some baby steps of letting her be and, making her own choices. She needs to be able
to learn from her own choices. This will help her when she does fly the nest and you will feel less worried about her ability to cope.
It is not too much to expect her to let you know where she is and offer to collect her/pay for taxi.

She can absolutely go yo uni in Australia then, that will be amazing for her and her dad but unfortunately not nice for you.

I'm really starting to dread my son growing up and moving out, it's because I am so close to him and it sounds like you are the same.
Unfortunately it's what's happens and we can't drag them back to childhood.

Maybe start looking forward to the good that comes with this new chapter, more Time for yourself and an adult relationship with your daughter. X

This is just nonsense. I had a lot of freedom from 16 onwards - we all went crazy drinking and clubbing at that age and were still crazy all through uni. DS was very isolated at secondary school and never went out. He's now doing a degree apprenticeship, working hard, earning, living away from home and paying for it. Doesn't drink.

It comes almost entirely down to the personality of the child and people they hang around with, parents are seriously kidding themselves if they think they have some massive influence over their teens.

If she is going to get a job/workplacement/ apprenticeship etc soon then she will need to make many many decisions without your help.

If she hasn't been able to decide if she can wear a coat or not how do you expect her to make actual important decisions?

She should have been making decisions like that years ago and moved on to more important decisions over time.

There's nothing worse than a hiring a young person and they stand there waiting to be told what to do at every hurdle, they are pretty useless in the workplace.

Sorry if it sounds harsh but you need a fast track way of getting your daughter to a more appropriate level of independence.

In many ways one never stops. Interventions give way to counselling and advice. There is a tapering off but parental instinct remains even if at opposite sides of the earth.
Eventually the roles get reversed and they watch out for us. If we are lucky.

To be perfectly honest, you already stopped raising your daughter. The job of a parent is to prepare their children for adulthood. You are not doing that. You prioritise your o n feelings and anxieties over giving your daughter opportunity to develop and use skills and you isolate her from her peers with ridiculous 7pm rule. If she is anything like me, she will leave home and move as far as possible and will only speak to you once a year. If she is anything like my cousin, she will still be sitting at home, unemployed and afraid of the world at the age of 35. Is that what you really want?

My 16 year old son is in college too. He has a full social life, manages his workload, clothing (inc laundry), most of his travel (some lifts from me - party pick up is midnight). He’s been to London for a weekend and for a week with his best friend (stayed at family/friends but was independent of them), and is planning a few days b&b in the Lakes in Feb. He recently went to a gig in another city with friends although my DH picked him up from that.

We’ve never set a weeknight curfew but he’s always home by 10, and he’s good at keeping us updated about his whereabouts and I’d never track him.

I think he’s doing a wonderful job of becoming independent. We’ve always told him that the more responsible he shows us that he can be, the more freedom and independence he is granted.

The next challenge is waking up with his alarm though! For all the perfection outlined above DH or I still have to make sure he gets up in the morning in time for the bus to college.

Is that right OP? Are you talking about a 16 year old in South Africa or a 16 year old in the UK?

Some posters are suggesting OP is in South Africa, if so that is a totally different scenario to UK.

From my experience 100 percent this

To give the perspective of a person around her age, I remember vividly a conversation with my son when in his first year of uni. He was really worried about his cousin who was due to also start uni the following year but who had been over sheltered and not allowed to grow up
He said many of those at his uni who hadn’t been given gradual freedoms earlier on had none of the skills needed to function at uni and went completely off the rails with their new found freedom. He was genuinely concerned his cousin would be in real trouble when finally unleashed based on what he saw

Oh is that you again, from SA?

At 16 I pretty much did as I wanted but because i was raised correctly i was sensible and really enjoyed living more like an adult.
I had a job, had sex, started planning my future house (I remember i used to buy cushions etc 😆) and there was never any 'telling off', it would of been strange to be told off as at that point it was my life and my decisions and my consequences to live with, (which I did on many occasions).
At 17 I went on holiday with my boyfriend and later that year moved in with him, went out to nightclubs, obviously 1 year too early but hey ho!

I remember my boyfriends mam was a bit more strict with him but he still could go out until around 11pm and had full autonomy over his life.

It is really time to let go and let her move onto the next stage of her life.

You are pushing her out of the door with that level of controlling at 16 OP. Time to grow up yourself here I'm afraid.

My 16 year old DS hasn't worn a coat for about three years! His choice.

You need to start letting your DD learn to be an adult otherwise she won't be ready for it.

I have 17 year old. Never had a curfew. And she's never stayed out past midnight and always tells me where she is- she's usually asked for a lift home if out after 9pm and I oblige. More recently she'll walk home in a group / with a boy.

I would let her go to Europe for a few days. She wanted to go camping in UK last year but it's actually quite hard for them to find anywhere that allows unaccompanied under 18s.

I am sort of glad she hasn't asked about Reading festival until this year but it is a post GCSE rite of passage for many 16 year olds.

You do need to start building some trust in, you could start by just discussing what she thinks her limits should be - starting with the ludicrous curfew.

I allowed my toddlers not to wear a coat when they didn’t feel like it. Funnily enough, once they’d experienced the consequences of their decisions we didn’t have coat battles. I think the point about equipping children for adulthood is giving them a loving home and responsibility and respect for themselves. Not protecting them from every daft thing they might do.

My eldest is 6'4". He definitely doesn't need raising any more... 🤣

Where do you live, OP? Is it somewhere actually dangerous to be out after dark? We are presuming not on here, but curfew depends on real risk, IMO.
If it's not an extremely dangerous place, then absolutely unreasonable. Coats? lol. I would have given that up years ago. Unless in the Arctic Circle, probably not much of a problem!
Travel? How realistic without the bank of mum and dad? Is she expecting you to fund that?

I stopped arguing with mine about wearing a coat when they were in primary school! 7pm is far too early for a 16 year old.