Exchanging presents but not meeting up

I have exactly this with my siblings. It really hurts, especially as we all have kids and mine want to see their cousins. I've made the offer to see them, made it clear when we're free, and am now stepping back. I sent their presents in the post as didn't want the kids at risk of missing out and am otherwise absolving myself of guilt or responsibility. Previous years I've tied myself in knots trying to see them, worrying what I did/said wrong etc, but this year I've found peace with knowing I've done what I can. I hope you have other people in your life who show more love OP, and that you can find some peace too. It probably says more about them than you xx

I'd be hurt too. I think I would say,
Hi sibling,
Not really up for the postal thing, shall we hang on to the gifts til there's a better time for us to meet up in the new year?

And if you are up for digging a bit deeper you could add:
Unless you'd rather not meet up at all, in which case shall we just get that on the table and maybe not bother with gifts next year?

I find it very odd that they would initiate the gifting when they are leaving you out of the gathering.

So just a slap in the face to be asked for presents and on top of that have them delivered by another relative who they do want to see.

Send a jolly HNY text

Dear Bill and Joan* Cheeky grabby fuckers
Happy New Year!
Hope you had a lovely Christmas!?
Going forward we won't be doing presents this year as we are cutting down for environmental reasons , I'm sure you understand?!
All the best for 2025!!!! Northern

@Northerndownhere if you have zero relationship to speak of perhaps just respond with "I've stopped buying for adults this year".

Or you could say "my gift was going to pay for our meal out when we met up but it seems you don't want to do that anymore"

The shit will hit the fan but they aren't going to change are they?

Why is the post office known to be busy at Christmas time if it’s an odd thing to do?

I’ve received a hamper from an aunt just yesterday. Also received parcels of pressies from my sister and DH’s brother. 🤷‍♀️

I've not bought gifts this year for friends I haven't seen much. I really CBA anymore if people can't be bothered to make an effort to meet up during the year.

I think I would suggest leaving it OP in your shoes even if they are your siblings.

I would stop all together.

I thought it would be cousins/aunts/uncles, handing gifts for siblings to a go-between seems a lot worse.

You can go against your family history. There's something about becoming a parent that makes the scales fall from our eyes about some of our own family relationships, isn't there? Your own feelings matter.

Dealing with the exact same scenario and seriously considering telling them all I will not be buying for birthdays and Xmas moving forward. I enjoy buying for them all but would like to spend quality time with them. Rocking up in the car park to my flat and exchanging gifts out there is not it! I'm sorry you're dealing with this too.

Yes with an Aunt of Dhs .
We used to with his nieces and nephew but thankfully have knocked that on the head this year, as quite frankly its farcical.

Tell them you'll exchange presents the next time you meet, if that's what you want to do. They're not entitled to presents.

Sorry just RTFT - I think it’s extremely odd that you’re receiving requests for gifts from people you don’t see! DHs family all does a mutual gift exchange but it’s mostly token gifts. I would just say that you’re happy to do a gift exchange when you next see them, if they would like to arrange a time that suits. And if they don’t arrange then you return the presents and buy yourself something nice!

Have they got your child a present? Do you like the child for whom you have bought a present?

if so swap them this year and think about whether you want to participate next year - say it’s a bit materialistic and decided not to just do gifts, but would prefer a visit.

If no to either, make an excuse as to why intermediate can’t take on your behalf, get a refund and spend it on your child. Don’t bother next year.

Yes DH’s family do this, we live in the same city as a set of his cousins and I have met them once in 6 years but every year there is a present exchange via mail. It is actually quite sweet but I do find it a little odd seeing as there is no real relationship there but that’s just how they do it and DH does all the organising so I don’t mind. They are very nice and also include me in the present giving even though I’ve met them once and only tag on to DHs gift. Even our dog gets a gift and DH gets their cats gifts lol.

Everyone I know does this for all occasions. It's the perfect scenario, you can do the presents but don't have to actually be bothered to see the people. Win win situation

I think presents are totally pointless if you don’t meet - I mean, I understand it’s not always possible on the exact day, but there has to be an intention and effort to meet. Presents are part of the festive atmosphere. So definitely YANBU.

i think I would call and speak directly, to try and fix a meetup. If they are not forthcoming about meeting then I think I would give the presents but say it’s a pity not to see them opened or other heavy hint.

then turn your attention to other people who actually want to see you. I’d still leave the door open but not make any proactive effort until they take a first step towards you.

I don't see my nephew and his DW but we were really close in age growing up and have the same age DC. We send cards and a tin of biscuits in the post every year and that suits all of us.

However this year my eldest dsis, DB and DM have not been in touch to meet up. Dsis was with DB at DMs today and didn't tell me she was visiting, I found out by accident. I had left their gifts in DMs house last weekend as I knew this would happen, let myself in when they were out. My other dsis called up today, I made her lunch and we exchanged gifts like normal people.

For me I'd say YABU but I can appreciate it might be strange if you have never done this before. If it's not a new thing then maybe people just want a quiet Christmas without having to entertain or socialise?

It would be totally normal for me. Friends and family exchange presents earlier and then just call on the day. Even my best friend who lives one street from me does the same!
TBF though both my best friend and I are nurses so have a long history of working on Christmas and being unavailable.

This is sad. I'd stand firm - "I mentioned having a get together and exchanging presents then, let me know when would suit you".

And to the intermediary who I think you said requested the presents to pass on "Oh thanks but don't worry, I told X I'd give them to them when I see them, I'm just waiting to hear back about a date". If they push "don't worry, I've not wrapped them yet anyway, I'll just sort it with X directly, thanks" or something like that.

In fact, one relative passed me in the car on her drive one birthday. I was dropping a gift off, while they were on their way out to meet another family member for a day out that I wasn’t invited to.

So they’re off the list.

It happens in my family these days, and feels increasingly empty. I can scroll through my phone and find conversations with relatives going back years, which consist of ‘Thank you for the Christmas present’, ‘You’re welcome’’, Thank you for the birthday present’, ‘You’re welcome,’ etc etc etc.

I’m slowly scaling it back.