Exchanging presents but not meeting up

I think the hardest part can be accepting that you may never know why they are behaving towards you like this, and that trying to "have it out with them" won't gain you anything.

I got left with so many hurt feelings and questions that I've just had to sit on as any attempt I've made to (politely!) work out why my siblings were distancing themselves was shut down or responded to like I was crazy. I have sometimes wondered if it's all in my head, but 3 years of only seeing them when I've tied myself in knots (and still sometimes being cancelled on at the last minute!) surely speaks for itself. I've finally managed to mentally let go of responsibility for their behaviour and our relationship, but it has been hard. You have all my sympathy OP. Hopefully this is the final Christmas of feeling this way for you xx

DH's family used to be like this. DH and his brother had children at roughly same time...each Christmas MIL would be the go-between and pick up presents from DH's brother's house to give to our DC, and then MIL would then give presents from us to pass over to them (live 30 minutes drive BTW, not oceans apart). I found it bloody weird. Why not just visit and talk to your sibling? They didn't have a fall out or anything.

About five years ago, it was said that they no longer can afford to exchange Christmas or birthday gifts between the children so it all stopped. Yet when I first brought up what was the point of all this when the children aren't getting a chance to get to know each other I was told that it had to be done that way🤷‍♀️

I personally find it weird. Very weird.

I would not buy any gifts until there was a date to see them set first. I don't buy presents for people I don't see because it just ends up being transactional then. Set firm boundaries for Christmas 2025.

Respond as you would if you were trying to arrange a work meeting- no emotion or accusations, just "I'm afraid I'm not available on that date" then either offer (again) dates you are free or ask for more suggestions from them. Don't pursue them beyond this, and make sure the dates you suggest/agree to really work for you. Worst case scenario is presents aren't exchanged, but that won't be your fault and isn't the end of the world.

Give it a day and just say that day doesn't work.
Nothing further.
You cannot change them.
Do yourself a favour and drop the rope.
Giving presents in this situation serves no purpose so best to leave it.
I wouldn't drop them anywhere.
Put them away and say will give them the next time we meet.
The dnd. No futher discussion about it.
Just don't respond further.

Just say that date isn’t suitable, let me know other dates you are free and see what they come back with

It might be best for you to stop putting energy into this. If they’ve left presents at DPs, I would do the same so it’s settled.

You can then move forward the way you want, and not give it more headspace.
You are still chasing them now, and it’s keeping you busy. Leave the presents, repeat for yourself that your dcs are worth more than the crumbs of attention and focus on moving on.

Sometimes if I can’t go back for Christmas but always do in person if i’m up that way. Even if just half hour (people always busy christmas eve), it’s nice to catch up. I wouldn’t bother if I didn’t see these people who don’t want to meet up.

You absolutely should return the presents! Gifts are meant to be an enjoyable experience, given with love and appreciated by the recipient. They can barely be arsed to text you. Your present money would be better spent on a treat for yourself or on someone else very deserving.

Of course you should return the presents and spend the money on your decent friends, or your children, or yourself!

Set a date on which you will do that - 4 weeks or 8 or whatever feels right to you. If there are no arrangements for a proper catch up by that date, then do it, with no guilt.

Of course you can.
And if they come looking for them, have a cheap selection box for each of them ready.
Job done.

Refund the presents.
Have a great Christmas.
Reprocosity in all relationships only for 2025.
Anything else is a waste of your time.

This happens to us and makes me so sad. One family member hasn't seen my children for five years. Children do a lot of growing in five years.

If that’s all they ever want to meet you for, I’d stop the tradition on that basis. Why buy gifts for people who don’t really bother with you until it’s time for a present? Just buy gifts for people you’re close to / see. Tell them you’re buying for immediate family that you’re in close contact with only. They are adults - they can get used to it.

I try to focus on my DC and how happy he is, too. He doesn't know any different, so os perfectly happy with a quiet Christmas.

I've been so upset about it for so long. This year I tried talking to my mum about it and she seemed to start to see it's upsetting for me, but nothing has changed. I try to remind myself it's their different attitude to Christmas and family, not about me personally. But it still hurts. And it still is personal, in that it's me (and my DC) who's left out. I think they genuinely just don't think about it/see it.