Exchanging presents but not meeting up

Northerndownhere · 2024-12-20T19:12:48+00:00

Does anyone only exchange Christmas presents via parcel delivery or via other relatives picking up and dropping off presents at Christmas with no intention of meeting up? I am disappointed that I'm being asked to exchange presents but no actual arrangement of meeting up and socialising. This isn't abroad or even more than 10 miles away. No falling out or bad feeling, just total indifference and no relationship at all. It seems so uncaring and frankly dare I say grabby. I have no interest in presents themselves, I would rather the socialising and care to be shown to myself and DC (one has disabilities). No DH as I'm divorced. I don't think AIBU but growing up in a toxic family has been questioning myself well into my 50s.

Bollihobs · 31/12/2024 14:09

Northerndownhere · 30/12/2024 22:19

I really appreciate the words of encouragement here. No one to talk to in real life about this.

I messaged back asking them to let me know their availability. Obviously got a vague and dismissive response. It's so funny as I've literally not done anything to offend them. The other sibling (toxic narc who treats her DC terribly) hasn't contacted me at all either. Both siblings are so uncaring and frankly crap that they welcome to each other. I will place my efforts elsewhere they will never change. I just feel bad for my DC.

So now the real question is if I really now refund the presents. They were very specific requests so not generic items I can store for regifting to friends.

I say return the gifts for a refund - partly out of principle but also because you can use it as a "freeing gesture" a symbol of "that's the end of doing and being like that, no more"

Good luck OP and Happy New Year to you 💐

Ohnobackagain · 31/12/2024 13:45

@Northerndownhere if that happens, replace them (it won’t). Or, say you gave them to charity and have decided not to do gifts in future.

Disturbia81 · 31/12/2024 13:40

@Northerndownhere And life is far too short to feel like that
I don't have anyone in my life who brings negative vibes and it is so much better.

Original poster

Northerndownhere · 31/12/2024 13:05

Disturbia81 · 31/12/2024 12:19

Sorry you're going through this OP, I hope you can just let them go and get some peace.
Some siblings are great, but I see so many where blood really isn't thicker than water. They either don't care, or are horrible people. As soon as people stop trying to force relationships that aren't reciprocated, they are happier. Concentrate on your friends who do care.

Thank you for your reply. Definitely a mixture of not caring and being horrible in equal measure. I won't force it anymore. It is using up my energy and dragging me down I must admit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Northerndownhere · 31/12/2024 13:04

Ohnobackagain · 31/12/2024 12:42

@Northerndownhere yes, get a refund on the gifts. That will help with closure. Treat yourself to something instead.

Yes I'm tempted to but I can't live with the anxiety of then being asked to meet. Slim chance of that but that would be just my luck. It says it all doesn’t it, not knowing where the hell I stand.

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Ohnobackagain · 31/12/2024 12:42

@Northerndownhere yes, get a refund on the gifts. That will help with closure. Treat yourself to something instead.

Disturbia81 · 31/12/2024 12:19

Sorry you're going through this OP, I hope you can just let them go and get some peace.
Some siblings are great, but I see so many where blood really isn't thicker than water. They either don't care, or are horrible people. As soon as people stop trying to force relationships that aren't reciprocated, they are happier. Concentrate on your friends who do care.

PassingStranger · 31/12/2024 11:49

No.i wouldn't do this. Knock the presents on the head. It's a farce go and buy what you want yourselves and let them do the same.
Also if there is no passion, want and desire to meet up.let that go too.

Original poster

Northerndownhere · 31/12/2024 11:14

Qwerty111 · 31/12/2024 10:08

This is exactly what I wanted to say (but much more clearly expressed!)

Returning the gifts marks the moment you say to yourself that this relationship isn’t good enough for you and you’re not putting up with it any longer.

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Thanks. I know I need to ask myself what is good enough for me and my DC, and my own wellbeing and sense of worth.

Over this school holiday, me and DC met up with various friends and acquaintances. All of these people have shown more care and friendship than any family members. It has hit home what real relationships are meant to look like and how much energy I've wasted.

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RedDeadReflection · 31/12/2024 11:11

I post one present, to a cousin (well, to her parents on her behalf). They live around 2 hours away. I also give presents for nieces and nephews and one set of grandparents-in-law (poor mobility) to my PIL in mid December as they live closer to them than I do. They hand them out when they visit. We do get together, sometimes on Christmas day, sometimes in the week afterwards, but I prefer the kids to have their gifts for Christmas day and the grandparents don't get many gifts so also like for them to have it ready for Christmas morning too.

Original poster

Northerndownhere · 31/12/2024 11:05

Nodancingshoes · 31/12/2024 10:18

Like you OP, I have tried many times to initiate family days but to no avail so I gave up a couple years ago!

Sorry you're in the same position. I'm giving up now, it will be my resolution for 2025!

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Original poster

Northerndownhere · 31/12/2024 11:04

Sceptical123 · 31/12/2024 09:32

This is so bizarre. Do they have more in common? Do you know of a grudge one might bear against you? Is one worried you may be after her partner as you are single or that her partner may be attracted to you?

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Thank you. Yes it is bizarre. One of them has always been extremely difficult and manipulative and is very much the "golden child". I've tried to get on with them for the greater good and because I want DCs to have a relationship. I've forgiven many slights and passive aggressive weird behavior over the years. The other one is childless. I've always been left out growing up but thought as adults it would get better (not sure why). I suspect they like a gossip and a bitch about me, someone to commonly hate is quite a thing isn't it.

No more contact now about meeting up over the rest of the holiday period.

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Nodancingshoes · 31/12/2024 10:18

Like you OP, I have tried many times to initiate family days but to no avail so I gave up a couple years ago!

Nodancingshoes · 31/12/2024 10:16

Yep. My sister is not interested in spending any time together as families. It's been like that for years. We've have the odd Christmas together but not for a few years now. I buy for her and my nieces/nephews and she does the same for us. It makes me sad. DH can't stand them - because of how they are about family meetups - so I guess that's how it will stay!

Qwerty111 · 31/12/2024 10:08

Secondguess · 30/12/2024 23:11

Yes, you can return the gifts and should not feel guilty about it.
You're going through an adjustment, which will feel uncomfortable, but if you hand over the gifts then you'll feel uncomfortable too, because you've finally tried to stand up for yourself and then gone back to the old family roles of you just fitting in with whatever they want. The thing is that they'll not treat you with respect unless you change the old patterns.

You've got a lot going on in your own life, do whatever helps yourself and your child.

This is exactly what I wanted to say (but much more clearly expressed!)

Returning the gifts marks the moment you say to yourself that this relationship isn’t good enough for you and you’re not putting up with it any longer.

Sceptical123 · 31/12/2024 09:32

Northerndownhere · 31/12/2024 08:30

Yes but I am closer in age to one of them.

Show quote history

This is so bizarre. Do they have more in common? Do you know of a grudge one might bear against you? Is one worried you may be after her partner as you are single or that her partner may be attracted to you?

Original poster

Northerndownhere · 31/12/2024 08:30

Sceptical123 · 30/12/2024 22:59

Are your siblings both women and of a similar age to one another, OP?

Yes but I am closer in age to one of them.

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Secondguess · 30/12/2024 23:11

Yes, you can return the gifts and should not feel guilty about it.
You're going through an adjustment, which will feel uncomfortable, but if you hand over the gifts then you'll feel uncomfortable too, because you've finally tried to stand up for yourself and then gone back to the old family roles of you just fitting in with whatever they want. The thing is that they'll not treat you with respect unless you change the old patterns.

You've got a lot going on in your own life, do whatever helps yourself and your child.

Sceptical123 · 30/12/2024 22:59

Are your siblings both women and of a similar age to one another, OP?

Sceptical123 · 30/12/2024 22:52

TempuraCustard · 20/12/2024 19:24

I'll give them to you when I see you

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Brilliant 👍🏻

Original poster

Northerndownhere · 30/12/2024 22:47

Oldermillennial · 30/12/2024 22:30

If you want to return the gifts then do but is there a chance they bought gifts for you because you said you had gifts for them?

Could you just give them a day and text in the morning check if they're in so you can pop round with their gifts. Maybe then if you get a shitty response return them! Sorry I realise it's after Christmas now but obviously this is not settled.

No I don't really want to return the gifts I wanted to meet up with them but I've been knocked back enough times now. I'm fed up of the situation. They clearly do not want to see me and DC.

It started with asking me what DC would like, I made sure I asked for a small gift only then their request for presents came.

I would happily pop round to them (a train ride away) but I have no car and one disabled DC. Besides I've asked numerous times now to meet up and got knocked back. Please read my whole thread.

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Oldermillennial · 30/12/2024 22:30

If you want to return the gifts then do but is there a chance they bought gifts for you because you said you had gifts for them?

Could you just give them a day and text in the morning check if they're in so you can pop round with their gifts. Maybe then if you get a shitty response return them! Sorry I realise it's after Christmas now but obviously this is not settled.

Original poster

Northerndownhere · 30/12/2024 22:19

I really appreciate the words of encouragement here. No one to talk to in real life about this.

I messaged back asking them to let me know their availability. Obviously got a vague and dismissive response. It's so funny as I've literally not done anything to offend them. The other sibling (toxic narc who treats her DC terribly) hasn't contacted me at all either. Both siblings are so uncaring and frankly crap that they welcome to each other. I will place my efforts elsewhere they will never change. I just feel bad for my DC.

So now the real question is if I really now refund the presents. They were very specific requests so not generic items I can store for regifting to friends.

OP posts:

Qwerty111 · 28/12/2024 09:40

“Can’t do that date, no. What a shame. My availability is this” Attach copy of previous text.

The “what a shame” is so that you can’t be accused of having an attitude (also, it IS a shame that your sister is an arsehole).

I know you want them to be different, to behave better, to want to see your children. But they aren’t and never will be.Often when we’re dealing with hurtful people, we think if we explain how they make us feel, they’ll change. But why would they? They like themselves, they think they’re fine as they are. Honestly the only thing you can control is your reaction. Keep your responses factual and brief.

Oldermillennial · 28/12/2024 09:29

It's understandable if you live far apart but otherwise no I'd feel the same way as you. There are some family members I haven't seen for months but I stopped off to drop off gifts and sat for a while and I have friends I'll meet for lunch or dinner so we can exchange gifts.