About genetic testing?

Yes, exactly. My grandfather only discovered his long-dead parents weren’t married when he applied for his first passport in late middle age. To my generation, not a big deal. To him, enormous shame and trauma.

It’s perfectly possible this is a storm in a teacup that concerns your parents’ in law parents’ generation, and all concerned are long dead.

They may just think these things are best left alone. Seems a bit of an extreme reaction though. I find my in-laws are embarrassed about things my generation just see as normal. They pretend to some people that dh was born 3 months early weighing nearly 6lb to hide that mil was pregnant with him at their wedding. And FIL won't let me watch certain things on his tv, even when he is out, because he doesn't want the BBC thinking he watches certain programmes. I've told him the bbc won't care what he watches but he is insistent.

OP, some of the things DH and his siblings are speculating about might actually be worse than the truth.

After Christmas, I would suggest he (or another sibling) quietly mentions to his parents that they're planning to take DNA tests, so if there's something the parents think they will find out, it might be better coming from them.

Then the parents, who obviously know what the secret is, can mull it over and decide whether it's best coming from them or from the testing company.

Agree with PP recommend the podcast The Gift - is brilliant and covers a range of different issues that can result from gifting DNA tests. Really eye opening and some of the issues are not obvious at first thought. It’s also just a brilliant and interesting listen, I binged it

You could buy them a can of worms instead 🤔😃🪱🥫

I'd tread carefully you can't unknow stuff.

I can’t believe people actually suggest this as gifts in the first place! But in your shoes I’d now be very curious.

They definitely should’ve just politely declined, but evidently went into fight or flight mode.

In the op case they could have been deceitful about their ethnic heritage- as they claim to be so dramatic about stuff.

It does make me very glad that I told my eldest who her biological father was, do wonder if he has ever told his younger DC about her!

I would tread carefully, as others have said.

i decided a little while ago that it would be a great idea to do a test believing we had no secrets and wanting to find more about my ancestors.

it turns out my Grandfather was not my biological Grandfather. We had no idea. He had no idea. Father was conceived during the war. Grandmother obviously thought the secret would stay hidden. All deceased now so we will never know the whole story.

i had DNA matches with people I had never heard of, plus known cousins on my father’s maternal side, my Mother has a big family and lots of them popped up as matches. I joked to my husband that I might have uncovered a huge family secret. Turns out I have.

It doesn’t change anything, and I am glad I found out but I know other members of the family think it should have been left alone.

23and me does health and / or ancestry
If other relatives are on there and click yes to being contacted, you might find close or distant relatives. My daughter d8d a test we found two hitherto unknown close relatives who had been looking for relatives. All was good outcome.

@TiramisuCheesecake Few misconceptions though. Privacy - this doesn't particularly bother me to be honest. Quite what "they" could do with my Ancestry DNA results I'm not sure.

I feel the same way. I realise DNA data can be use for nefarious purposes, but whoever is using it for nefarious purposes isn't going to be interested in Graham in Hatfield unless he happens to be on some sort of 'spies most wanted' list. Genomic medicine is already happening, it's the future of healthcare and as we know, NHS systems are quite capable of being hacked. If you're particularly concerned you can ask for your DNA data to be deleted.

I also don't really care if companies profit from my data. Someone, somewhere is profiting from your data every time you use the internet. As far as things to worry about go, it's very low down on my list.

I am assuming you mean Ancestry DNA or similar rather than 23 and Me which is more about health testing. They have every right to not wish to test, they might just misunderstand what it's all about, they might just not be interested, they might suspect that there is something in their tree they do not wish to explore. You have every right though to do your own test or for DP to do his - they can't stop you.

Few misconceptions though. Privacy - this doesn't particularly bother me to be honest. Quite what "they" could do with my Ancestry DNA results I'm not sure. This is NOT the sort of testing which tells you that you are at greater risk of illness or anything like that.

Law enforcement - your DNA cannot be used to track criminals here in the UK. The law permits the British Police to only look for familial matches against their own database, not commercial databases. Your DNA will not be on the Police database unless you have been arrested and had it taken by the police. Now I suppose that if you have a relative who has committed a crime in the US then you could get caught up in a case but it's unlikely.

The genetic testing sites are providing a huge database of info and allowing decades old crimes to be solved

https://isogg.org/wiki/Lawenforcementtcasessolveddusinggeneticc_genealogy

This is obviously good news but for people including women trying to 'hide' from abusive families it can make them vulnerable.

I'm so against these genetic tests, they shouldn't be allowed. I had genetic testing on the NHS for one issue, the medical ones that you can find out about anything without warning or professional support are terrifying.

In your case OP the first reply has it - they shouldn't do it but there's no way I could ignore the curiosity.

I think recommend that they wait until after Christmas (so they can cool down as much as anything), and then that they all need to be in it together - some siblings may decide they don't want to know what comes up and that should be respected IMO.

Definitely not one to rush into, there's no going back.

As far as law enforcement is confirmed, they're not allowed to use most of the databases according to the Ts&Cs. The ones that do allow have an opt-in or opt-out option for testers.

But yes, think carefully. It's not a step to take lightly. Even if it's obvious in the results that something is amiss, the answers won't be presented on a plate and it could take a lot of work, and a lot of effort to understand the results, to figure out.

Don't do the tests.

My father was a sperm donor (back in the 80s when donors were assured of anonymity), and I know there are about 4 children he was used for. My sister and I have always agreed to never do those sorts of tests in case any of those kids don't know their dad isn't their dad, or in case they do and are looking for my dad. We don't want to implode any families, nor do we want to meet any siblings.

I did mine last year, I have very limited contact with my then parents I grew up in care. (dad passed away a few months ago) and my mum is in a care home with dementia.
I wanted to know my family history that I would never of got from my parents.

However if I had loving parents, I probably wouldn't feel the need to know.

But it should solely be in the hands of your DH and siblings.
And tbh the way his parents have reacted it would make me want to do it more.

Also, what came up in this radio programme, The Gift, is if you discovered there was strong genetic traits of a disease you could do nothing about. I realise that it's just probability, but say there was a strong history of Schizophrenia? In some other examples it was bowel cancer, which, at least, if you knew, you could get frequent screening, but it could severely affect someone's mental wellbeing to know they potentially had the "Sword of Damocles" over them.
It's quite an ethically difficult decision that not only affects oneself.
And, as a PP mentioned, I would worry about my information being on an international database.

23AndMe

I would be so curious

Don’t know why anyone would think this is good fun. Imagine finding out that you or someone in the family was the product of incest or of a notorious serial killer or paedophile/rapist. Can only imagine how that would potentially ruin lives!

Hmm well I've never had mine done despite being curious as my dad put it about quite a bit in his youth (and not in his youth) and I don't want to be the one to uncover half siblings.

They should have said, "Yeah, fine" and then thrown the tests away.

I'd never do it - too worried about my DNA being on a database I had no control over. One of the popular testing companies is going/has gone bust and being sold, I'm sure.

I think the best thing would be for your husbands parents to let your husband and his siblings know. As you say it may be much less than the offspring are now imagining. Or if it's not, then a dna test will provide some answers but it will open up a whole lot more. eg if it showed the dad wasn't the father for one sibling you would want to know was that because the person was conceived in a previous relationship, did the birth father die, did the birth father know, was it because of sexual assault, was it an affair, did the dad who brought him up know etc. There's a lot to think about as well as it bringing up difficult feelings and maybe changing the dynamics between the siblings.

I would be interested to find out where my ancestors came from and if there were any fun stories but my Mum is adopted and at this stage in her life she doesn't want to deal with any surprise relatives springing up so no DNA tests for me.