To be upset by MIL's comments

In all this I just want to say congratulations to you. You have acknowledged you have had disordered eating in the past, you are aware her comments could potentially make those problems resurface, and you have done something about it by talking openly on here and listening to advice on how best to handle this.

You most certainly are not being unreasonable, you are being flipping awesome!

And yes, it’s all about her and her issue, nothing whatsoever to do with what’s on your plate.

She has them all well trained - they all deny, dismiss, excuse, minimse because she holds the threat of volatity over them - the tears and trantrums - so no one calls her out was they dont want the conflict.

How everthings can change - you dont have to be her emotional punch bag - you dont have to cower or rage .... you can be calm and assertive each and everytime. She will back off - the others are probably sub consciously comfortable that you are the target and not them.

Dont get angry at her - thats a trap and is a behaviour she would love as its handing her the bullets to shoot you with.

When I calmly asked my MIL to 'drop it' (after 25 years!!!!) the Am Dram - panto performance was off the scale - she literally fell back against a wall raging that no one had ever spoken to her like that in her life (that was probably true) and then she declared that she was going to take her own life .... this was infront of my 6 year old .... so I just rolledmy eyes and calmly took my child home out of that situation ....the trick was being ready and protected from the emotional storm. She then called my DH the next day (he hadnt been there) to apologise (to him!) - she continued to give me the sneer and side-eye out of his eyeline but she stopped with the constant verbal pecking.

Just tell her that luckily dh makes sure you get plenty of exercise wink wink.. She won't ever mention it again I bet.

I think there's also a generational view of being fat and it being a sign of lax will-power. Both my dm and my late mil used to do performative undereating. Weirdly, my late mil would also cook way too much food and be offended if you didn't eat it. Her daughter, my sil has inherited the strange food attitudes and at a recent meal out tried to interrogate me in front of a large group of people as to why I hadn't eaten all the potatoes on my plate - erm, because I was full and had eaten enough 🤔

Some people just have very skewed attitudes to food. I'm sorry you have had issues in the past, I also did when younger (more binge eating bordering on bulimia) but am now happy eating what feels intuitively right.

This is code for, she's highly narcissistic and as her family, we've all learned to ignore her behaviour, accept, make excuses for, justify, minimise, etc, etc.
They're used to it, expect it and act like it doesn't exist.

You're just finding out now.

I wish you luck.

Please promise me something?

Don't mention your prior disordered eating issues, ask that your DH doesn't mention it to her either.
Ask him if he's said anything to her already?

If she is who I think she is, she'll subtly weaponise it and take digs at you just for entertainment. Is it possible she already knows??

Act like she's paid a complement - look delighted, say "thank you!", and finish your dinner.

It's the menopause I'm afraid, the loss of oestrogen leads to increased weight gain, doesn't matter what you eat or drink. It's nothing to do with food and exercise. You accumulate mainly visceral fat around the tummy area (and vital organs), which is the more dangerous fat accumulation and the least desirable!

Unfortunately as there's not nearly enough information on this, women believe that restrictive dieting and additional Zone 2 cardio will solve the problem.
It won't.

4.Tell her to stfu !!

I assume your husband is aware of your past food issues?

I would therefore say to him if HE wants you to attend any more functions with MIL where there is food involved then HE must talk to her and explain that she does not comment on your eating - ever. And if she cannot comply then HE must comment at the time that this is not OK - and be prepared to leave the event if she doesn't shut up.

The fact that you are considering restricting your intake again because of her comments you know is dangerous. Do not let it continue.

@HowF3stiveDon't go, OP. You don’t owe it to anyone and nothing warrants that level of abuse & bullying. And that’s exactly what it is - bullying

My MIL does competitive under eating to an extremely tedious level. “Oh gosh SO MUCH bread 😳” (when her bowl of soup was served with one slice of bread cut in half). It’s very performative, and completely rooted in the idea that thinness is innately morally superior. She’s extremely slim and to her that’s more important than anything. She’s passed it on to my SIL too which is sad. She comments on my appetite, how much I eat, doesn’t know how I manage it all blah blah blah. I ignored it for years but recently I’ve started hitting back because I don’t want this BS in front of my daughter. I’ve started saying things like “well we can’t all survive on half a portion of fresh air can we Brenda?” “I know you eat like a sparrow Brenda but some of us do need food” exaggerated wink. I’m a size 10, but in her eyes that’s probably fat. In my eyes she looks skeletal 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Only thing with did you mean to be so rude is that if she says yes then it's hard to avoid a massive row

Don't be ashamed OP. Turn it around. If she does it in front of everyone else then do a little twirl, fix a huge smile and say "doesn't look like it's doing me any harm, does it".

I think she's envious that you can eat well and you're petite. She may well stop if you respond each time with a comment of your own. The suggestion above to comment on her drinking is a good one too.

She's jealous of you and trying to make you feel insecure by projecting her own insecurities onto you.

I’m similar to you, and have a colleague like your MIL. It is intensely aggravating, to the point I change what I eat if I know she will be around because she cannot help but make comments.

'Yes Gertrude, I can eat what I like and still be lovely and slim! Aren't I lucky?!'

In my experience, as soon as you are armed with a stellar response to this sort of nonsense, the need to use it never arrives.

so arm yourself with one or two of the excellent suggestions here and enjoy the peace and quiet.

How old is your MIL? I only ask I've noticed quite a few ladies around my Mums age (65-75ish) on diets watching their weight etc, my mum can feel quite miserable about her weight despite looking pretty average.

It's perhaps generational thing (?) whilst younger women also stress about weight and body image it seems to be more about health and fitness now whereas my mum's cohort are more about achieving an arbitrary number on the bathroom scales. I see restriction occurring in her and my MILs eating quite a lot, while their husbands have happy plump bellies!

Yes thats the standard fluster and bluster of the bully - everyone knows the performance (also known as DARVO) - just hold your stance and silence calmly so she remains centre stage. Dont get in her way of showing herself up.

mines like this a bit, would always look at my plate or watch me if i took seconds (after everyone else did and she offered ). i’m not big at all but she definitely has issues around food. I just don’t go there much for dinner etc now and decline all biscuits etc. Her food is weird anyway so I don’t need much excuse to avoid. Think it annoys her when i don’t take ‘extra’ on offer but im not gonna fall for it if she’s gonna make comments. She did the same to my DD as a toddler, always highlighting her appetite. She was a good eater but once at a birthday party DD wanted pringles from the tub she was holding, she gave her only one then went on and on about how she’s always wanting to eat when she wanted unsurprisingly, another. She seems to have got over it a bit now but I avoid meals with her like the plaque

Or hint about a mysterious bearded figure that only comes by once a year. Hmm I wonder who that could possibly be??!!

@HowF3stive

"I'm so lucky I can maintain a healthy weight without watching every calorie" "And I certainly don't have a weird obsession with what anyone else is eating"

Not anything to be upset over. She said something clumsy and potentially rude to you but also potentially she was just comparing out loud what she eats.

Being upset and hurt by a comment like this isn’t healthy. ‘Resilience is important’.