No elbows on the table rule is arbitrary and not relevant in 2024

I’d rest my elbows, or one elbow, on the table if I was sitting opposite somebody, or eating by myself. Sitting at a long table, banquet-style, you get in the way of the people to the side of you if you lean forwards onto the table.

I very rarely have formal meals at a long table though, so not relevant day to day. Just weddings and work meals really.

Isn't elbows on table from the same genre of etiquette as talking with hands in pockets or with arms crossed or sitting slouched? Life is much more relaxed now than it was.

I was just about to add that one!

Im horrified by the table manners of friends children when I go to their houses, but I know that’s because of how it was drummed into me, growing up my dad was so strict about them and nasty when they weren’t followed. “I don’t want to see it going round like a cement mixer” if he was opposite you and you dared to open your mouth. Prob got followed by a “thick ear”. I now hate it when my husband eats gung ho mouth full open!! I go mad, I find it so rude. I guess it’s what you get used to.

I hate knives and forks not closed when you’re finished! They are all things that make things easier and are about communication. So I guess you need to analyse each one and throw it out if it doesn’t serve now.

really interested to hear how elbows off aids digestion. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water comes to mind!

I think it's only impolite if you are slouching across the table. Sometimes an elbow just on the table is the only way to get comfy or lean in to hear someone.

DHs family very musical - they always tell us about how their mum would say 'Don't sing at the table'. I remember my MIL issuing the command 'Get down!' when the cat used to slip up onto the dining chair behind her during meals. There was immediate response to this from the cat. Very effective bossiness 🤣

It's actually really awkward for me. I appreciate everyone is different, but for me the only way it would work is if my elbows basically stick out at right angles and I would have to hunch my body forward. I would probably take up 3x as much space and probably pull the tablecloth around as I tried to eat.

it feels far more natural just to rest my forearms on the edge of the table.

Elbows on the table while you're sitting and chatting? I don't have a problem with it.

Elbows on the table while you're putting food in your mouth? I don't like it and won't do it.

Does it make sense? Not really, not in this day and age.
Will I stop not liking it? Nope! I just wouldn't ever say anything!

We insist on elbows on the table at ours. No idea what people might be doing with their hands under that table!

I don't think I could actually sit at a table and eat while having elbows on.
Never thought about it.
Table is actually very hard for my bony elbows.

We don’t have it on our house and it’s a rule I teach my kids as well.

The knife and fork in the middle of the plate is an indicator that it can be taken, even if food is on the plate. It just helps lone diners to not get their plate taken if they've had to leave the table.
@GasPanic in the UK we tend to eat foods with K&Fs, when actually a big spoon makes more sense and was once what we would have eaten with.
Etiquette was a way to convince the oppressors that they were quite right to not share/keep slaves, because they were so much better than thise who wasn't like them.

I think the real reason has been lost in translation. Much like saying 'pardon?' to sound 'posh'. It's correct to say 'what?'.

I'm afraid I put my elbows on the table too. I have short arms and it feels easier, definitely not spreading out for me

Why is it so important for those who identify as middle-class, then?

I never had a flat large enough to fit a table in myself. Problem solved, I guess.

A lot of the etiquette rules are arbitrary.

But there is some point to me in setting some sort of common standard.

For example one person might be happy with having elbows on the table. Another eating with their mouth open.

Everyone conforms to generally acceptable standards to avoid upsetting other people and to agree some sort of acceptable basis for the group so that the shared experience can be enjoyed.

If everyone is allowed to do what they want and not care about anyone else the whole thing just becomes a free for all with people saying screw everyone else, it's what I want to do that's important. And that lowers the quality of the experience for everyone as the pleasant dining experience turns more into a pack of animals at feeding time with everyone doing stuff that may well piss everyone else off.

Of course some people may be up for that. And the boundaries that are set generally depend on the group and the setting.

Same here!

And some of these things will be perfectly appropriate and seen as respectful in many cultures of the world. So pretty much any cultural etiquette is largely pointless from that perspective.
I've been brought up with solid table manners but I very much ignore the elbow rule as an adult. I don't eat with elbows spread on the table but I am happy to rest my elbows on the table between courses.

I’m easy on elbows but can’t bear people who put their hand(s) over their mouth when they eat? Why?? I’ve just seen you put the food in your mouth so I’m hardly going to be surprised, let alone offended, that you’re now eating it? Made even worse by the uber-avoiders putting down their cutlery between every mouthful just to facilitate the wafty hand signalling.
Don’t you realise that you’re drawing more attention to the fact that you’re eating by constantly sticking your hand in front of your face?

I think it stems from Middle Ages where people sat at trestle tables where the top wasn’t secured to the legs. So, any pressure on the tops at the edges ( elbows) were likely to topple the table towards you.

It’s an out dated etiquette but one that’s instilled in me so would feel self conscious doing it.

There are far worse manners out there though like phones at the table, shovelling in food, talking with mouth full, loud eating.

The knife and fork is a message to the waiter.

Also saves the hostess starting to clear plates when one guest is about to help themselves to seconds.

Elbows on the table can convey a relaxed attitude but also forceful or demanding or even arrogant. So depends upon who you are dining with and what impression you want to make!! If you are eating with people who already know you, in an informal way, it matters less.

BUT if men do it, it does look like manspreading as they take up so much more room than women! So maybe not. Don’t want to be squeezed in at the table between two big bloke elbows. Women and children I don’t mind so much.

There are some other technical etiquette things that could be discussed that don't actually do anyone else any harm but could be taken as a negative :

i) Lifting up your plate to slurp/drink gravy directly off it at the end of the meal.

ii) Wiping your mouth with the back of your hand and letting out a loud belch after you finish.

iii) Scooping up your entire meal with a giant spoon because it is easier than a knife and fork, and leaves one hand free for the smartphone.

I think it looks a bit slovenly and ill-mannered. Doesn’t happen in this house.

It’s uncomfortable to not put your elbows on the table

Haha love this. But love having my elbows on the table more!

With my grandfather on this - I can still hear him saying " All joints on the table will be carved!"