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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can anyone shed light on this dynamic?

115 replies

DaphneLaurel · 19/12/2024 23:56

DP and I are having a lot of arguments lately. From my perspective he seems to get upset with what feels to me to be innocent comments from me. Is it me? An I bring irritating and unreasonable?

Example 1: DP went in to the hospital for medical test (a scan). I asked if the doctors were able to say what was wrong. He got really upset and angry with me because they never give out scan results on the day and 'everyone knows that'. He went on and on about how he was surprised that I asked that question. I said sorry I didn't know. He just wouldn't let it drop, for about an hour. I found it upsetting because I'm not really used to hospital tests and I didn't know that they definitely wouldn't be able to tell him anything on the day.

Example 2. DP and I live separately. He mentioned that he'd been to buy some compost on the way over. I said "Oh is that for your raised beds?". I knew he was planning to build some but i knew they weren't yet built, but he is very industrious, always doing stuff and likes to buy stuff in advance. He doesn't have a garden as such so I wasn't sure what else he would be using compost for. He got very upset and angry at me. Apparently he felt that I was completely unrealistic in asking if they were for the raised beds because they months away from being complete and he would need tonnes of compost, not just one bag. It was for planting a climber apparently. He said it showed how disconnected i am from his life. I said sorry, but again he didn't let it drop. It made me feel a bit stupid tbh.

Example 3: DP has been on the waiting list to be seen about a health condition. He's been on there for months, almost a year. He said that he's called them and he's heard absolutely nothing from them for ages. I said something like 'oh dear, are you sure you haven't dropped off the list somehow?'. He went ballistic at me basically saying that he felt like I didn't trust him to be chasing them and of course he would know whether or not he's on the list. Again he wouldn't let it drop and I felt like I couldn't escape the argument.

Example 4: DP was telling me about his decorator who has been promising to come and finish some work in his house. He was meant to finish it last Christmas and now it's this Christmas and he's still not done it. The decorator promises and then cancels again and again. I asked him gently where his boundaries were and asked if he'd considered finding someone else to finish the work. DP said he was never going to let this guy off the hook and he would hassle him until he came and did the work. I said something like "God you could be waiting another 3 years". DP then got angry with me. He seemed to think that I was making a judgement on him that he would let the situation go on for that long. He went on and on about how I don't trust him. That wasn't what I was saying at all, I just know that even when you hassle people if the guy doesn't want to do it then he'll find a way out. I wasn't saying that I didn't trust DP to make it happen. He said I'm always being pessimistic.

Example 5. Driving out of the train station after picking me up DP says he's going to take a different route back to mine. I said something like "Really? Are you sure this is right? I've never been this way before". He brought this up as an example of me not trusting him. I just honestly didn't know you could go that way.

He's made it clear that I should under no circumstances make any comments whatsoever during parking. He would hate it if I said "What about this one here?" or "That space looks a bit tight" as he thinks it shows I don't trust him. I basically learnt that I have to remain completely silent. I mean literally not a peep.

In summary, he said that I am always questioning him and his judgement and that I don't trust him and I don't trust that he's handling whatever situation he's in. I do trust him and know he is doing his best and does wonderfully most of the time. I don't feel like I'm being critical. It just feels like normal chat from my side. Can anyone give any insights into this dynamic? So confused about what's going on. Is his outrage justified? Maybe I'm a really irritating airhead to be around?

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 20/12/2024 02:32

prepareforthebacklash · 20/12/2024 01:34

How is saying ""Really? Are you sure this is right?" not questioning his thought processes. Don't get me wrong, all the replies so far are telling you to LTB, so you've got what you came for, I'm just asking you if you've any idea as to how the examples you've quoted may be interpreted by him.

Like I said, we really need to see the pair of you in action.

Show quote history

But it is odd to drive in the opposite direction to where you are going- anyone would question that! Op, you don’t have to live like this. The carparking one is the only reasonable take he has in that list and that’s irrelevant as even a stopped clock is right twice a day.

Jumpingthruhoops · 20/12/2024 02:20

DaphneLaurel · 19/12/2024 23:56

DP and I are having a lot of arguments lately. From my perspective he seems to get upset with what feels to me to be innocent comments from me. Is it me? An I bring irritating and unreasonable?

Example 1: DP went in to the hospital for medical test (a scan). I asked if the doctors were able to say what was wrong. He got really upset and angry with me because they never give out scan results on the day and 'everyone knows that'. He went on and on about how he was surprised that I asked that question. I said sorry I didn't know. He just wouldn't let it drop, for about an hour. I found it upsetting because I'm not really used to hospital tests and I didn't know that they definitely wouldn't be able to tell him anything on the day.

Example 2. DP and I live separately. He mentioned that he'd been to buy some compost on the way over. I said "Oh is that for your raised beds?". I knew he was planning to build some but i knew they weren't yet built, but he is very industrious, always doing stuff and likes to buy stuff in advance. He doesn't have a garden as such so I wasn't sure what else he would be using compost for. He got very upset and angry at me. Apparently he felt that I was completely unrealistic in asking if they were for the raised beds because they months away from being complete and he would need tonnes of compost, not just one bag. It was for planting a climber apparently. He said it showed how disconnected i am from his life. I said sorry, but again he didn't let it drop. It made me feel a bit stupid tbh.

Example 3: DP has been on the waiting list to be seen about a health condition. He's been on there for months, almost a year. He said that he's called them and he's heard absolutely nothing from them for ages. I said something like 'oh dear, are you sure you haven't dropped off the list somehow?'. He went ballistic at me basically saying that he felt like I didn't trust him to be chasing them and of course he would know whether or not he's on the list. Again he wouldn't let it drop and I felt like I couldn't escape the argument.

Example 4: DP was telling me about his decorator who has been promising to come and finish some work in his house. He was meant to finish it last Christmas and now it's this Christmas and he's still not done it. The decorator promises and then cancels again and again. I asked him gently where his boundaries were and asked if he'd considered finding someone else to finish the work. DP said he was never going to let this guy off the hook and he would hassle him until he came and did the work. I said something like "God you could be waiting another 3 years". DP then got angry with me. He seemed to think that I was making a judgement on him that he would let the situation go on for that long. He went on and on about how I don't trust him. That wasn't what I was saying at all, I just know that even when you hassle people if the guy doesn't want to do it then he'll find a way out. I wasn't saying that I didn't trust DP to make it happen. He said I'm always being pessimistic.

Example 5. Driving out of the train station after picking me up DP says he's going to take a different route back to mine. I said something like "Really? Are you sure this is right? I've never been this way before". He brought this up as an example of me not trusting him. I just honestly didn't know you could go that way.

He's made it clear that I should under no circumstances make any comments whatsoever during parking. He would hate it if I said "What about this one here?" or "That space looks a bit tight" as he thinks it shows I don't trust him. I basically learnt that I have to remain completely silent. I mean literally not a peep.

In summary, he said that I am always questioning him and his judgement and that I don't trust him and I don't trust that he's handling whatever situation he's in. I do trust him and know he is doing his best and does wonderfully most of the time. I don't feel like I'm being critical. It just feels like normal chat from my side. Can anyone give any insights into this dynamic? So confused about what's going on. Is his outrage justified? Maybe I'm a really irritating airhead to be around?

I mean... this is quite a range of subjects to argue about. Is there anything you can discuss without seemingly pissing him off?

You say you don't live together and, to be honest, he sounds like a guy who needs his own space and likes doing things his own way. It might be time to consider whether the two of you are truly compatible.

pincklop · 20/12/2024 01:56

Example 1 and 3. Is this health concern enough to stress him over situations to take it out on you without meaning too. If he's waiting for cancer results for example might make sense.

MarkingBad · 20/12/2024 01:55

He sounds stressed and going over the top with it to me. Waiting for a long time on a medical issue takes it's toll.

Even so if he's losing it like that he needs further medical help. You and he do not sound compatible though and he needn't treat you like that, he does because he can and that's not a good balance in your relationship.

As for the directions and parking thing. I would find that irritating and even low level controlling if it's frequent. I'm driving if I want directions or parking attendant I'd ask. I have a back seat driver in my life, it frequently grates. I tend to ignore it because I know anything I say won't stop it happening but it doesn't stop it being bloody annoying

NightHouse · 20/12/2024 01:46

I ended a relationship with a guy like this. Every time we met, I had to think about what I was saying and I came away from our dates just feeling a little bit shit.

Nope.

Bin him.

DreamTheMoors · 20/12/2024 01:42

I was with somebody like your guy.
At 88lbs and not sleeping, I decided my life was more important than his ever-increasing degradations.
I hope it doesn’t get to that point with you.
Be smarter than I was.
Please.

prepareforthebacklash · 20/12/2024 01:34

DaphneLaurel · 20/12/2024 01:28

I wasn't questioning his thought process. The route we took was in the opposite direction to my house and I haven't lived in the town for long. It felt like a spontaneous question/expression rather than me saying that he'd got it wrong. Like how you might say "Really?" when someone tells you an amazing fact.

Show quote history

How is saying ""Really? Are you sure this is right?" not questioning his thought processes. Don't get me wrong, all the replies so far are telling you to LTB, so you've got what you came for, I'm just asking you if you've any idea as to how the examples you've quoted may be interpreted by him.

Like I said, we really need to see the pair of you in action.

Original poster
DaphneLaurel · 20/12/2024 01:28

prepareforthebacklash · 20/12/2024 01:21

I dunno..."Really? Are you sure this is right? I've never been this way before" isn't something I'd be too happy to hear. I mean, if the OP has evidence to back up her concern that the route might not have been a correct one, then fair enough, but to justify it by saying "I've never been this way before" is pretty crap...none of us can possibly ever do all things once in this lifetime - not having done something is not evidence to question someone else's thought processes.

Show quote history

I wasn't questioning his thought process. The route we took was in the opposite direction to my house and I haven't lived in the town for long. It felt like a spontaneous question/expression rather than me saying that he'd got it wrong. Like how you might say "Really?" when someone tells you an amazing fact.

OP posts:
Lufannian · 20/12/2024 01:26

Runnn.

it’s not supposed to be this hard.

PerambulationFrustration · 20/12/2024 01:25

He has a lot of wonderful qualities. I mean, really wonderful. But every time we've met up lately I seem to say something that he doesn't like. I wonder if he's under a lot of stress (due to health issues) and that is making him extra sensitive.

Do not go down this route.
He acts like an arse because he is an arse.
There's a difference between a decent person being a bit stressed and snappy and someone who is constantly putting you down and making you feel you're walking on eggshells.
Stop making excuses for him or finding reasons for his awful behaviour.

lazyarse123 · 20/12/2024 01:24

You're already learning not to speak when he's driving soon you won't feel like you can have an opinion on anything. Please get rid nothing you have said is wrong, maybe the parking but that's mildly irritating and nothing to shout about.
He clearly has some major issues accusing you of not trusting him all the time, guilty conscience maybe.

prepareforthebacklash · 20/12/2024 01:21

MyBirthdayMonth · 20/12/2024 01:17

Maybe he wants out of the relationship but would prefer you to do the dumping. Or maybe he is just a bad-tempered sod.

I dunno..."Really? Are you sure this is right? I've never been this way before" isn't something I'd be too happy to hear. I mean, if the OP has evidence to back up her concern that the route might not have been a correct one, then fair enough, but to justify it by saying "I've never been this way before" is pretty crap...none of us can possibly ever do all things once in this lifetime - not having done something is not evidence to question someone else's thought processes.

JingleB · 20/12/2024 01:17

Dump him. No one should make you feel stupid and wrong, particularly not someone who is supposed to care about you.

On the plus side, if you do it now you can get a refund for any gifts you bought him, and buy yourself a treat for shedding such a negative person from your life.

MyBirthdayMonth · 20/12/2024 01:17

Maybe he wants out of the relationship but would prefer you to do the dumping. Or maybe he is just a bad-tempered sod.

Original poster
DaphneLaurel · 20/12/2024 01:13

Needanewname42 · 20/12/2024 00:42

Op how old are you and how long have you been together?
Just being curious as to what's making you stay with him.

He has a lot of wonderful qualities. I mean, really wonderful. But every time we've met up lately I seem to say something that he doesn't like. I wonder if he's under a lot of stress (due to health issues) and that is making him extra sensitive.

OP posts:
prepareforthebacklash · 20/12/2024 01:13

It's hard to say, I mean, on the surface he sounds unbearable, taking his role of alpha male very seriously & not wanting your input, but then there's something about your 5th post that makes me think "has he just had enough of her going on at him?". Without seeing the pair of you in action, it's hard to say.

GameofPhones · 20/12/2024 01:07

Reminds me of a lad I knew when we were about 12-13. He had learned to flummox people, whenever they asked him something, with 'how do I know?' with a sneering tone and a smug smile. This was to every single question, mind. I concluded he thought he was being clever, and that he was an irritating twat.

Biffbaff · 20/12/2024 00:53

He sounds horrible, taking his frustration out on you and perceiving things as criticism when they're just questions. He's insecure and nasty with it. He's literally making you afraid to speak!

Please, please bin him off. You deserve someone who will actually have a conversation with you and respect your point of view. In your examples everything you said was totally valid! It's weird that he found anything wrong with it at all, let alone made you feel bad for speaking.

Applepoop · 20/12/2024 00:52

And just to add of course the relationship doesn’t start out like this. This kind of character does his best behaviour at the start. Until he’s got you comfortable. Then he unleashes his real, shitty personality.

Applepoop · 20/12/2024 00:50

Get rid of this nasty turd. Don’t spend your life with someone who is just mean and rude to you. It’s no fun and it’ll never get better.

he wants to bring negativity / belittle you because he not a nice person

dump him now and save yourself the bother of his shitty behaviour over Christmas. Return anything you’ve bought him and be free.

miserable cunt

i don’t think he even deserves an explanation any more than: this isn’t working anymore. Can you elaborate? It isn’t fun. Why? I’m not feeling it.

PerambulationFrustration · 20/12/2024 00:44

You'll never be happy with him and always walking on eggshells.
Live a better life next year without him.

Needanewname42 · 20/12/2024 00:42

Op how old are you and how long have you been together?
Just being curious as to what's making you stay with him.

Endofyear · 20/12/2024 00:40

He sounds like an arse. In a healthy relationship you shouldn't be walking on eggshells all the time worrying he's going to go off on one over an innocuous comment. Dump this twat, you can do much better 💐

rayofsunshine86 · 20/12/2024 00:35

You don't live together, so that makes life easier. Pop a warning sticker on this man, say farewell, and live life free from judgement for such silly things.

Hairyesterdaygonetoday · 20/12/2024 00:35

YABU staying with this rude, aggressive, arrogant dickhead! Any one of his sharp answers would have annoyed me. Any two, and I would have told him to go to hell.