To need some sort of domestic coach?

If these things bother you I would after Xmas put littlest in nursery adhoc for a few days and just project manage it.
Get a car Hoover and bin that live in the car. Alternatively book an at home valet to deep clean all the cars then put a car Hoover and bin in each one. Set phone alarms for all the MOTs and taxes and get all the paperwork in one place and edit the alarm thar comes up so it shows where the paperwork is. That’s one day.
Ask housekeeper to start cleaning the fridge
another day sit down with Ocado/your preferred delivery app and add all your usuals to a shopping list - all the normal bread fruit milk etc and bits for kids dinners and your lunches. Every week set a phone alarm and just add the shopping list. All the apps have this function where you just click “add my usual list” or whatever
Sign up for gousto or hello fresh for you and DH dinners. That’s another day.
For socialising, spend an afternoon just sending WhatsApps to the relevant parties - would x like to come for a play date on Thursday etc, we need to meet for coffee how about the 14 th blah blah. Aim for one play date per half term per child and set them all up at the beginning of each half term.. Aim for one date set at some point in the further for each adult friend/group.
Once the event is passed, set up the next one. Put aside a couple of hours every first Sunday of the month to review your socials.
Beds/keeping things tidy - meh. Your house is clean. Just do your best.

Up the housekeeper. Honestly. I have someone in 5 days a week. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands. Life changing. Admittedly I have a full time job. But if you have the money why not?

A virtual PA could deal with dog scheduling, booking restaurants etc.

Sorry I didn't vote, because I don't think either of those things. I think you should get a job you're good at and stop trying to make your house your job, or just lower your standards. With a housekeeper at least the toilet and the kitchen won't become health hazards (that was always my mum's minimum aim).

I'm pretty terrible at housework, though I've got better as I get older and most of all as ds has grown up. So mostly I don't do it. I pay a cleaner, and otherwise we prioritise. And most of all I have a highly domestically competent partner.

Imo if you have a filthy car (so do i) it's because at least there's one place you can stop struggling and nobody tells you off. It's still better to have an organised car, but it won't kill you either.

What do you want to do with your life? What did you do before? What are you good at? What do you enjoy being good at?

I'm only really good at cleaning when I'm stressed. I'm never organised or on top of the house or the car, and when I had ample time, I actually achieved less than I currently do, working full time.

Lots of people can give you tips here. For example:

Keep a small roll of bin liners in your glove box, then when you suddenly realise your car is a tip (this 'suddenly realising my car is a tip' experience happens to me whenever I'm in it, but I'm usually unable to deal with it) you can sort it out.

Set timers. Count things. For example, my dishwasher holds at least 20 plates/pans and my airer can hold almost fifty garments, depending on who they belong to. Timers for 20 minutes are great. I think of them as that part of Moana where they need to go beyond the reef (I'm hoping you've seen it, apologies if not). Once you're beyond 'the reef' - whatever the reef is, the inertia, the complexities/perceived difficulties of the tasks ahead, the very real tiredness of having children - a rhythm settles into place and it should be possible to keep going for an hour. That could be a couple, several even, really tidy rooms.

But I'm really interested in what the plan is, long-term. Could you outsource even more and go to university, do something different? Volunteer?

Being organised is definitely a learned thing. My Mum was very organised so I learned from her.

Online calendar, Google works for me. Add everything; birthdays, anniversaries, insurance renewals, driving licence renewal, MOT, school activities, passport renewal, broadband contract end etc.

Stock take your cupboard, fridge and freezer to meal plan and create a shopping list.

Have spares of non perishables, light bulbs, batteries, bin bags, cleaning products etc.

With finances I have a spreadsheet with a cash flow with account balance, payments due out/ income due in and end balance at the bottom, this goes to savings.

Op reminds me of my mum when she stopped working (retired youngish at 60).

She went from being very capable of managing her home, very busy full time job, active social life... to dithering and pontificating about every tiny "dilemma" and becoming quite helpless, worrying about how to navigate public transport in London etc. She used to travel all round the world by herself, even as a single mum to young kids.

The less you do, the less you're capable of.

This is not a dig against SAHMs in general. It is a dig against SAHMs who have their kids in childcare and have housekeepers and gardeners and have little else to do. The little else they have starts to seem insurmountable.

Making to-do lists that include making the beds? I mean come on. Might as well add brushing your teeth and going to the toilet, op

Can you treat the ‘house’ like a job? If you were working, how would you organise your time and prioritise the tasks that needed to be done? And then apply this to the house. Work out how much time you actually have each day to do these tasks and plan accordingly. Get an A4 page a day diary and put tasks in for each day, with less scheduled in when your child is not in nursery. Anything that doesn’t get done and is still outstanding, gets allocated to another day. Write down a month ahead of time in the diary when car insurance/mot etc is due to give you some time to sort it out.

My suggestions might be a bit too methodical, but that’s how I tackle the shit I need to get done.

All the best OP and happy to provide mentoring services. 😀

I'd get a job you like, retrain or go to university. All would allow you to shake off the guilt about doing a substabdard job in the house or buying in even more help. Could your housekeeper be bad at her job perhaps?

I feel your pain op but I'm skint. I feel like the ability to adult has passed me by in life.

I think you need to write schedules. The dog stuff just but in next month diary what needs doing when an on that day, forward the list again for Feb so it'd a monthly task.

Car - grab five things each time you get out. Can't offer any more advise as I'm currently drowning myself.

These are basic things that most people do while working and with no staff. It is not that you can't. It is that you don't really want to. If you can afford get a housekeeper and a nanny. You can focus on socialising then.

Also, you need to enjoy your life and do what makes you happy. Stop stressing about the boring crap and pay someone to do it. Prioritise your happiness and wellbeing, that of your kids and your dh. This is when money comes in incredibly useful IME.

I stay at home and look after our two children (no.3 on the way) - the deal being that I have a pretty unlimited budget, but I need to manage the house

Do you actually want that 'deal'?

Would you be more content working outside the home? With you and DH working out what level of management the house needs and employing people to cover that?

Sometimes the lists themselves are overwhelming. In your situation, I'd start at the top and work down. Just go to the top floor of your house and choose a room to start in. If you come across the car documents in that room, set up your reminders for a month before they're due, etc.

You need to get on top of this before the new baby comes. It's not that hard once you have a system in place, especially because you outsource laundry, general cleaning and garden maintenance, which are the most time consuming jobs.

My husband has ADHD and reading your description sounds like him. So I will caveat the above comment and say, it's not that difficult, unless you have some neurodiversity that makes this kind of thing difficult to manage and organise.

PPs saying they couldn't manage all the things on theist either or saying this proves running a house is impossible must be taking the piss.

Running a household is easy if you keep on top of things.

Sorry but if you have one mid at school, one in nursery, don't work and have hired help I have no idea why you can't cook and do a bit of tidying while having quite a good social life.

I am excellent at throwing money at problems so this is what I’d do!

• Keeping the fridge clean and stocked HOUSEKEEPER / COOK
• keeping things basically tidy HOUSEKEEPER / COOK
• making sure the dog has everything he needs (annual check ups / insurance) SCHEDULED
• managing all the crap about the cars (mots, insurance etc) SCHEDULED
• keeping my car clean and tidy (it looks like I live in it full time. It’s embarrasing) HOUSEKEEPER / COOK
• paying all the bills etc ALL ON DD, I NEVER LOOK AT OURS
• making daily beds HOUSEKEEPER / COOK
• feeding myself sensibly (the children always have nutritionally sound meals at appropriately scheduled times HOUSEKEEPER / COOK
• Managing all the homework and reading FORGET IT FOR LITTLEST, DEAL WITH BOOK BAG IMMEDIATELY EVERY NIGHT
• scheduling play dates FORGET THESE
• hosting dinner parties occasionally so people keep inviting us TAKE THEM TO RESTAURANTS
• scheduling travel and holidays ENJOY THIS
• trying not to be a terrible friend BOOK IN TIME TO SEE PEOPLE
• occasionally schedule a date or two SCHEDULE IT
• working on house Reno projects FORGET IT OR HIRE EXPERTS

Op does not need more lists or systems or coaching. She just needs to look up from her navel and do. Sorry to be harsh but that's my opinion

and sometimes I’m totally paralysed by the list so I make more lists…
you have to make achievable lists- so I make my end game list of all the huge things I want done but that is not my daily list- and top of my daily list is the thing that I have to get done to feel like I’ve achieved that day best of luck op x

If money isn't a problem get somebody in for 3 hours every day. And maybe a professional organiser to set up systems.

Wow op. I consider myself really quite idle but I do all of that and work part time. You literally have three child free mornings a week, that is so so so much time, stop navel gazing and just do it.

Stop making lists. You are wasting your time. Just get up and do a thing, anything, that you see or remember that needs doing. Next time you sit comfortably to make a list, just don't, get up and do a thing.

Every time you find yourself upstairs, do a useful thing there. Before you go downstairs, take something with you that needs taking.

6h of housekeeper twice a week, for a 4 person household, honestly it's boggling.

A colleague once told me, talking about doing stuff is not doing stuff. I'd add, making lists about doing stuff is not doing stuff.

Get your dh to help and start making a plan, as someone said you have the template above. I will say you’re overthinking so much, eg the dog and the car. How dirty is your fridge? One clean and then wipe weekly? I’ll say it took me years to get everything under control but also you have to accept some mess- the houses you say in ads are not real!!!

You need a brilliant housekeeper who will sort most of this. If money is no object hire a chef or cook as well.

•Go through the fridge the night before the bins are due to be emptied, so the out of date food is hanging around for a week (or however frequently your binmen collect).
•use the calendar on your phone for reminders like MOT, vets.
•when you're paying for a haircut book the next appointment in.
•Never put things "down ", put them "away".
•put everything on dd.
•go paperless wherever possible.