To need some sort of domestic coach?

This is literally the first this o thought when I read you initial post.
I am the same and would be the same in your shoes.

Be kind to yourself, by the time you have got your little one to nursery and oldest to school you get home and have maybe 3 hours to try and sort things and eat.

I imagine you look around daily at all the things you need to do and get sorted, have a little panic, try to do it all but only half do each thing you need to then it's time to go get your little one from nursery and you've got lots of jobs unfinished and feel even worse?! Am I close?

I have started a little routine when I get home from school drop off which sets me up for the day. Could you look at doing one such as: boil kettle, bedroom 1, pour tea, bedroom 2 & 3, drink tea while doing 1 admin job, tidy kitchen. Then the beds are made and you at least have 1 job done, you've had a cup of tea and the kitchen is sorted. Everything else after is a bonus!

Another one who needs to read my posts.

I suggest you to read my posts again as I have at no point said OP does not have it.

You cannot lay down rules about what individuals with ADHD can and cannot do. There are 3 different types for a start. All you can say is what you can and cannot do.

There's nothing for it OP, get your arse into gear and be a adult dealing with boring adult stuff that never ends.
Or just get a PA, I don't understand why you wouldn't if you can afford one.
I'm not sure what you do with your time all day every day, but I hope you include activities that make you content or make your children content. The way I see it, if you can outsource all the daily/weekly/monthly shit to someone else, you might as well live a good life.
Also get a chef a couple of times a week for your own meals.

I didn't read the whole thread, but reading the OP I thought: do you want this job? Of being a stepford wife and running the house to a high standard? I'd much prefer your DH's job.

Perhaps you're drowning because it's the wrong job for you. And you're doing absolutely everything in the house.

"ADHD manifests very differently in different people."

@Mirabai

Yes it does which is why I'm surprised at you deciding that the OP doesn't have it when she is diagnoses and had very clear symptoms outlined in her post. In your first post this seems to be because you think she's not presenting like you. I would say that your presentation is unusual, and the OPs is much more typical.

ADHDers can't usually consistently force themselves to do anything. It's part of the disorder. As Russell Barkley says "it’s not a disorder of knowing what to do but rather a disorder of doing what you know"

If the children eat nutritious meals, why can't you just eat what they eat? And when they're at school just have a sandwich for lunch.

You know absolutely nothing about it. I have adhd and was diagnosed mid 50s some years ago. When I was 25 I set up a "small business" and I sold it last year for over £6m. Plus I had two DC.

ADHD is a fucking diagnosable disability. It DISABLES people. It isnt finding things hard or being scatty. It's that every part of one's life - and all one's life - is negatively affected.

Sure, we all get sore feet from time to time, or twist an ankle, or skin out shins. That does not mean we all experience what it's like to have no fucking working legs at all.

You don’t need a coach. Just get your mind in gear and work it out. 🤷‍♀️

In your situation I would consider buying more domestic help as part of my organisation. It sounds like you become overwhelmed and then mentally paralysed (it's not uncommon!). By organising to have other people do most of the basics, you'd have a shorter list and a more rested brain. Running a house isn't like coping with an interesting job. It's monotonous, tedious, endless and thankless. If you can afford to pay others to do those tasks then why torture yourself? Why not have some free time for yoga, pilates, creative pursuits and something intellectually challenging? You don't have to be a drudge so don't be!

Will start by saying I haven’t read other responses, so apologies if duplicating here. That list is a good start. Second stage is to break it down into things that must be done, things that are not such a priority.

Anything to do with sorting out children is a must do. But is a section all on its own, again break down into daily, weekly, etc….Play dates are not essential so just decide to host a couple a month, one a week🤷‍♀️

Bills can be set up on Direct Debit, as can Car Insurance, pet insurance, then once a year you tackle each as it comes up. Staggering the cars will help, assuming more than one or two.

Make yourself a list of fridge essentials, plus any extras, and set up a delivery either each week, or fortnight as you need. Get an extra freezer if required, so you have an emergency stock. Can your cleaner do out the fridge once a fortnight, extra pay?

Assuming 3/4 beds, that’s a 20 minute make, easy peasy.

Cleaning car? Not vital except to keep things safe, such as windows. Have a small rubbish bag somewhere and put rubbish, car park tickets etc.. in here. Tidy it once a week, clean it once a month or have it valeted.

House tidy? A quick put away each evening of toys (use storage boxes), other items, will help you keep on top of things and not seem so daunting when you get up.

I would say chill out about friends. Keep in touch, zoom, WhatsApp. With three young children and a house to organise, your time is going to be limited. Could Daddy not spend some time with his children one evening every so often so you can have a meet up? Likewise with holiday planning. Do it together.

Planning and diary reminders will be your friend, in terms of getting organised. But, whilst you are not in a career or employment at the moment, some of the household chores really ought to be shared with your husband, particularly in terms of interaction at times with your children. All the money in the world, all the paid help can’t compensate for having a bit of time for yourself as well, even if it it just to simply make yourself a nice lunch and sit and relax for a bit.

I have to be incredibly organised because of disordered attention. That’s how I manage the condition.

I have never said that systems fix ADHD, merely that they help manage it, they make life more manageable.

I make myself follow my systems otherwise I would be firefighting and I’ve learnt from experience I don’t want to live like that. I still feel regularly overwhelmed but then I do have a lot going on in my life right now.

ADHD manifests very differently in different people.

Since money is no object, get an (A) admin assistant to come in one day a week to handle all of it. If you have an estate, you might consider an (B) estate manager who will also supervise staff. Option A will be cheaper than B, but B is more comprehensive. And get private professional help for the adhd, which is why you're struggling.

Some good advice here. Google calendar is your friend and see a doctor for advice on how to manage ADHD. Whether you have it or not, it might give you some good ideas.

As an aside - do you really need to make beds? Do your own when you get up (not worthy of putting on a list, it'slike opening the curtains or putting your socks on) and the kids will be able to do their own at some point. Till then, does it matter?

I don't remember ever cleaning out the fridge. If there's a spill I wipe it up as soon as I see it. Any out of date food gets thrown out when the shop comes in so that I can fit everything else in!

I wonder if due to feeling overwhelmed, there are other things on your list that really do not need to be there as long as you do certain things as you go along?

You have diagnosed ADHD yet are incredibly organised? How did you met the criteria? Or do you have hyperactive/impulsive type?

What the OP describes sounds exactly like ADHD. "Having systems" does not fix ADHD. I have loads of systems and strategies, I am competent incapable of following them consistently and regularly feel overwhelmed and like I am fire fighting and can't cope/keep up. It's par for the course and a very very common story with ADHDers.

I wonder if you are perhaps wasting money
on the second cleaner visit?

I had this setup for a while - not my own choice but my DH wanted it as he thinks I am incompetent around the house. But I found that she was, to a certain extent, cleaning things that were already clean as she’d been only a few days before.

Why not make the second visit an organisation or tasks visit?

I love this list!

What a lovely thing to say to someone with a neurodevelopmental disorder.

Me too.

This book might help with ADHD friendly strategies (it's by far the best book on this I've seen) but I have given up thinking that anything will work consistently. It just doesn't.

amzn.eu/d/aCd4wqI

ADHD wait lists are horrendous in the U.K. and they would probably insist on rediagnosis.

As money is no object, you might as well go private for titration if you want to try medication. They may also require rediagnosis. Find somewhere reputable who have an NHS contract so you know anything they do meets that standard to future proof it.

Good luck.

Try reading my prior posts.

With respect @Mirabai it sounds like you don’t know a lot about ADHD. Being a deputy head isn’t anything like her current task. I agree her current task is like running a small business but it lacks the “stick” element of being necessary to pay the bills. Something needs to force executive function if you have ADHD. That’s the problem here.

I think OP’s right that ADHD is over-diagnosed. In the old days it was just the kids who couldn’t sit down without Ritalin. Now everyone who’s a bit scatty and finds it hard focus is ADHD (which covers significant proportion of the population).

I don’t think she needs medication, she needs support to set up systems so that she’s not writing long lists that run away with her. Instead her life should be subdivided into different areas, and regular days and times for certain tasks which breaks everything down into manageable portions.

If OP can deputy head a school she can run a home - it’s just like running a small business. But you can’t run a small business without organisation.

A housekeeper 2x week is not actually much at all. Why not ramp it up to every day or 4x week? I hate domestic drudgery and I have a very senior job but can’t do housework. I used to be excellent at it and all sorts of to do lists but old age crept in and I blame peri but I became utterly useless at admin. Potentially, ADHD as well. I also would be incapable of performing my job without excellent PA and admin support. I can’t schedule for shit. I can’t run from meeting to meeting on time unless my PA keeps tabs on this. There’s no shame in having issues with executive function. If you are actually diagnosed, why not embrace it, consider medication etc? In terms of tasks, if budget allows outsource everything you can. More housekeeping/cleaning, potentially part-time childcare for pick up/drop off, help with the baby, dinner parties - get a private chef/high-end catering, admin - automate as much as you can. Or get a part-time PA. Play to your strengths in terms of where you want to focus and spend time. Outsource everything else.

Diagnosed adhd here and had. A successful career, like OP.

It won't get better. At work you had people above you setting deadlines and tasks, people below you to do some of the repetitive tasks and to give a sense of "team" effort. Now? Neither of those.

Because ADHD is almost by definition the lack of the internal "head/boss/manager" which NTs have (and which they think are "normal").

You're experiencing a surge of attention towards your "job" and while the shame and guilt will continue, the urge to Do Something About It will not.

So act NOW! Implement all the advice thrown at you here - much of it excellent - and some of that will stick, some won't. But most important of all, get yourself an ADHD coach. Now. Today.

I was going to ask if you had ADHD. And then I saw that you do!
I have been a housewife for 20 years. I’ll give you my advice!

1. adhd medication. It’s changed my life for the better
2. Lists. Lots of lists. I also used apps like Bring - it’s a shopping list app and I used my phone diary to organise myself. Put reminders eg birthdays and repeating things like car service, winter tyres for cars, term dates. They can repeat yearly/monthly. Also kids securities.
3. for adhd it’s super important to schedule in things you enjoy. And not to many appointments in a day. My therapist told me a maximum of 3 eg dentist, coffee w friend and supermarket. As you will adhoc put other things in
4. Praise yourself. You are your own boss. Gives yourself credit for the things you do well.
5. There are executive functioning skills coaches for ppl with adhd/autism. Or adhd coaches. Maybe that would be helpful for you long term. To establish routines that don’t bore you.
6. I listen to podcasts and music - really helps me when doing full repetitive tasks like bathroom cleaning.
7. Robot Hoover and robot mop. Love them.