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Original poster

Husband Won't Correct My Name

545 replies

TheTingTings · 19/12/2024 19:51

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

OP posts:
Teenyweenytinytrees · 19/12/2024 20:53

I think it's a complete over reaction on your part.

MumWifeOther · 19/12/2024 20:53

TheTingTings · 19/12/2024 19:51

Husband and I got married a couple months ago. Before this we'd been together 14 years. It was important to me to keep my surname for various reasons - we spoke about it and he was understanding and very clear that he didn't mind. I asked if he wanted to share my surname, and he didn't - no issues from me. Incase it matters, we don't have kids and don't plan to.

We got a wedding invitation from a family member of his, addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname. No issue, but given their wedding stationery will likely be getting made up and to avoid any mixed messages, I asked if when he RSVPs for us could he text just to clarify my name so it can be right on seating plan, etc.

He said it's not a big deal and if I care that much I can text his family member myself. I replied that it mattered to me as it's my name, and he got really snarky about it, reiterating it wasn't a big deal and he wasn't doing it.

I welled up a bit as his reaction and the change in tone of our evening as it caught me by surprise, and to be honest I'm tired from a long day at work and this was just after getting in the door. He then flounced off and has closed the door over to the room he's gone off into.

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time anything like this happened, but it's really hurt me. Not the invitation, but his attitude towards my name not mattering and being unwilling to do a small task to support something important to me. I could of course reply to the family member myself but I'm peeved that I've managed the name situation with my family as well as his immediate family, can he not help out with his wider family I don't really know to message?

Am I massively overthinking this?

The reality is you’re being invited as his +1. I think YABU. It’s not that deep to message them.

wombat15 · 19/12/2024 20:53

I kept my surname when I got married but I don't really expect DH's wider family to remember. I'm only annoyed if my family call me mrs husbands surname.

batsandeggs · 19/12/2024 20:52

No one cares but you. I don’t mean that in a snarky way but just to say that this is a huge issue to you because it’s an identity thing - no one else cares. I think your husband lacks the balls to tell his family, but equally if he won’t do it and it’s important to you then just drop them a message. This isn’t an issue, really.

Mollzzie · 19/12/2024 20:52

WaitingforStrike · 19/12/2024 20:50

"Oh by the way, Lucy hasn't changed her name so it's still Lucy Smith" - hardly going to cause any aggro or embarrassment with the bride and groom!
I wonder how dismissive men (and mumsnetters) would be if he was the one being given the OP's surname on invites.

He prob wouldn't be arsed. Hardly an issue for OP to drop them a quick text is it.

MovingBird123 · 19/12/2024 20:51

For a start, I didn't realise that wedding stationery was a thing. Secondly, I don't think it's worth getting upset over someone else's wedding stationery.

This coming from someone who hasn't changed surname and it's a constant low-level battle. I often receive letters with the wrong surname, and occasionally I will use his surname for a bit of spice in my life. I'd just get used to it if I were you.

WaitingforStrike · 19/12/2024 20:50

"Oh by the way, Lucy hasn't changed her name so it's still Lucy Smith" - hardly going to cause any aggro or embarrassment with the bride and groom!
I wonder how dismissive men (and mumsnetters) would be if he was the one being given the OP's surname on invites.

Honeycrisp · 19/12/2024 20:49

Him being that dismissive is a problem. It's fine if he doesn't want to speak to the family member himself, though fwiw mine has always been happy to correct, but the lack of respect puts him all the way in the wrong.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 19/12/2024 20:49

OP there is nothing unreasonable in expecting that if place names are being used that yours shows your name. "Mrs His Surname" is not your name.

Hankunamatata · 19/12/2024 20:49

This is going to happen a lot. He doesn't want to make a fuss. If it is so important text them yourself.

Arlanymor · 19/12/2024 20:48

SlightDrip · 19/12/2024 20:48

Yes. Just do this. Your DH’s attitude is another matter, however.

Show quote history

Yes I agree with you on both counts.

SlightDrip · 19/12/2024 20:48

Arlanymor · 19/12/2024 20:15

Family made an inaccurate judgement - I think the RSVP should come from you and then you can clarify. Won’t that just fix the whole thing?

Yes. Just do this. Your DH’s attitude is another matter, however.

Mumof2girls2121 · 19/12/2024 20:47

Yep massively overthinking it

Rinkytoo · 19/12/2024 20:46

Family not knowing my surname and assuming it’s the same as DH’s does piss me off a bit, but what I HATE is being addressed as Mr and Mrs John Smith. Even if I did take my DH’s surname, I certainly didn’t take his forename!

Ontherocksthisyear · 19/12/2024 20:46

TheTingTings · 19/12/2024 20:39

To clarify on the "just a placecard" comments - if it was just a placecard it actually wouldn't bother me! It's than my name will visibly be incorrect to 120 odd people (as seating plans tend to be seen by everyone) and so it will reinforce my incorrect name to most of DH's wider family (who may then think they picked up that I was keeping my original name wrong!).

We've had a few Christmas cards through to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname and I've not bothered about that as it's only us seeing it.

Mainly above everything, it's that his (snarky) reaction was that that wasn't a big deal when Ive explained before why keeping my own name matters to me.

I highly doubt anyone is going to be remembering anything other than their own positions on the seating plan. Plus, why do you care so much if his family think you're called his surname? Are they important to you?

Yikesthathurt · 19/12/2024 20:46

We get Mr and Mrs Yikesthathurt and my DH is Mr Didntfeelathing, so it does go both ways. I think it used to bother him a bit, but not now.

Personally I'd correct the person myself.

Balhammom · 19/12/2024 20:46

TheTingTings · 19/12/2024 20:39

To clarify on the "just a placecard" comments - if it was just a placecard it actually wouldn't bother me! It's than my name will visibly be incorrect to 120 odd people (as seating plans tend to be seen by everyone) and so it will reinforce my incorrect name to most of DH's wider family (who may then think they picked up that I was keeping my original name wrong!).

We've had a few Christmas cards through to Mr & Mrs Husband Surname and I've not bothered about that as it's only us seeing it.

Mainly above everything, it's that his (snarky) reaction was that that wasn't a big deal when Ive explained before why keeping my own name matters to me.

I hate to break this to OP but few, if any, of those 150 people will care what her surname is, especially if she’s there by reason of her husband’s family.

This all comes across as rather petty. Call yourself whatever you want but to expect others to care, and to call them out, comes across as pretty tacky.

DuckBee · 19/12/2024 20:46

I’ve had 5 surnames since birth and I use a shortened version of my first name in everyday life. Being called the right name really is the least of my worries.

Mollzzie · 19/12/2024 20:44

You wanted to keep your name, it's your battle and no one else's. No one else will care, including your DH tbh.

Doggymummar · 19/12/2024 20:44

It's a fuss about nothing, just pop them a text and move on.

ByHardyAquaFox · 19/12/2024 20:44

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notwavingbutdrowning1 · 19/12/2024 20:44

I kept my name. People who know me but not my DH - not friends but, say, someone doing work on the house, or work colleagues - often refer to him by my surname. I get that there are different connotations when a woman get's called by her husband's name but I honestly don't think it's a big deal.

Nc546888 · 19/12/2024 20:43

I kept my own name but when we get post address to mr and Mrs husbands name I just let it go and get on with my day. Can’t be bothered to let it bother me.

BetterWithPockets · 19/12/2024 20:42

HeddaGarbled · 19/12/2024 20:22

He’ll feel like he’s criticising them. He’ll feel awkward.

You’re going to encounter this frequently. I know it’s annoying and sexist but I think this is a battle you have to wage yourself rather than expect him to enter the arena on your behalf.

This! I didn’t change my surname when I got married, but really couldn’t get worked up about getting a wedding invitation addressed to Mr & Mrs Husband’sName. Having said that, it clearly bothers you and I don’t think your DH has been very grown up about it; rather than flouncing off, he could have suggested (nicely) that you take it up with the relative concerned.

Einaldilastcup · 19/12/2024 20:42

I’d be absolutely cringing if I was your husband - no wonder he doesn’t want to mither them with it