Husband Won't Correct My Name

fair to be.

Addressing invitations to anything is a nightmare. Knowing who wants to be called what is often not obvious and there are no longer any rules to guide us. It’s hardly fairer to me hard on the sender in such cases. They’ve probably done the best they could when writing dozens of invitation. Just reply with the name you are known as.

How did you reply to the invitation? Surely a formal reply that said Mr John Brown and Ms Jane Smith are delighted to accept the invitation to your wedding would have put the family member straight without any drama.

My passport is still in my surname from when I officially divorced, which is about five years ago now. I am still able to travel on it, despite now having remarried (both hubby and I db'd). We will change our names on our passports when they are next due for renewal

While I agree, that husband would probably kick up a stink if it was Mr&Mrs Your Surname. Why not just take it upon yourself to have it corrected?

I didn't change my name when I got married, I was the bread winner, the homemaker and the decision maker... it didn't bother me when invites came to Mr & Mrs Married Name but it sure did rub him the wrong way when he was referred to as Mr My Surname 😂 The fragility of man's ego is a divine thing to watch

Normally I try to let it go but I'm wearing myself to the bone buying food and cleaning the house to prepare to host them at Christmas

Why are you doing that?

My MIL point blank refuses to acknowledge my dd has my surname, which I've kept. My dh is A-ok with her having it and has spelt it out to her on more than one occasion. At first she point blank refused and said 'well I'm just going to calll her Sarah MyName' DH did call her out but it's persisted. My PITA SiL addressed our Christmas card to 'The tottering family' (his surname) and a card just arrived for DD's birthday addressed to her first name, no surname. Normally I try to let it go but I'm wearing myself to the bone buying food and cleaning the house to prepare to host them at Christmas and I really feel like writing her a text telling her she can go elsewhere if she isn't prepared to acknowledge this. I wish I'd realize how much shit you take on when you get married!

So I very much hear you, op.

Oh I can absolutely believe there'd be problems. Women's surnames seem to be a magnet for it even when they're not doing anything complex!

No
I agree
Apart from that Deed Poll Office info
I can’t find it written down anywhere either

Just a few comments from solicitors I’ve just spotted online when queries, like this, have been made. They also note the money laundering problems, bills in different names and problems proving identity etc.

But yes, I agree, there doesn’t seem to be any official line. That doesn’t mean there could be problems though with the lack of joined up thought from the various official departments.

( from our buyers perspective, using various names means they are likely to loose their future home …. )

Yeah I know all this, and I can see that with a bank account that was opened after you got married where they wouldn't have a record of both names, you'd probably need to show the marriage certificate if you were going to have payments made into the account with a different name.

But I've never seen it written down anywhere that a bank account has to be in the same name as one's HMRC record, and we know people can use multiple names in official documentation. Whether it's a pain in the arse or not is a different question.

Since 2021 HMRC can access your bank accounts if they suspect fraud.
If HMRC have a different surname from the ones on your bank statement they can’t find you….that’s a red flag
The same goes for paying pension money as again HMRC can access your bank. If your national insurance payments are in a different name to your bank, will they even pay it in. I doubt it.

If you’re buying a house with any cash at all there are extensive fraud checks done on all the cash being used. So again if these are in different names how does that work. The buyers we have at the moment seem to be using a variety of names and struggling to prove they haven’t been defrauding the tax man ( six weeks it taken so far just checking their money and it usually takes two. Tbh I think we might pull out )

I posted the info from the Deed poll office.
That’s all I can find
The official line on this does seem woefully lacking
I dare say people find out it’s a problem, when it’s a problem. Like our house buyers

Is that rule about bank and tax names written down anywhere?

Because I've known women who used one name for work in a regulated role and then another one in their home life. I suspect payslips need to be in the same name as the one HMRC have for you, but that's not the same as banks.

Interesting article @Honeycrisp but that’s Home office stuff
It doesn’t relate to
tax matters, banks, finances and national insurance etc.
The pp noted her bank and tax names were different.
This could be a serious fraud issue and isn’t allowed. You have to have an official surname which is the same on both.

nb pronouns and titles ( sir etc ) can vary I believe.

Can't speakt to the practicalities, but I don't think it's true that legally you can only use one surname for official things. As an example, there's some gov.uk guidance here on use of recognised multiple names on a passport.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/change-of-name-guidance/use-and-change-of-names

And there must be any number of women in regulated professions who are using their own name for their official registration with the GMC, Bar Standards Board etc but then use their husband's in their private life for official matters such as driving licence and electoral roll.

This from Deed Poll Office
( Official place where you can change your name )

Yes. Quite normal. The connection is with his side of the family. They've invited him, and his wife.

Im thinking more tax account and bank.
Apreciate people wait to change their passports or chose to keep one name, unofficially, for work.

Legally you can only use one surname for official things.

People in the UK are allowed to use multiple names if they want to. I would guess that women using their own name for work and husband's for personal life is one of the more common permutations of this.

And a lot of women who change their names when they marry won't shell out for a new passport immediately. I wouldn't if that were me!

So legally what’s your name.
How can you have a different name on your tax account to your bank and passport

I really would not care! When I got married (decades ago) my husband considered taking my surname as I am an only child of two only children so our surname would die out! In the end I decided that it didnt matter that much but I have kept my name on my passport and bank statement but used my married name at work and for my tax account. I really wouldnt fall out with him over it. But we are all different.

This is what it fundamentally comes down to. Saying that a woman's name isn't hers because a man had it first is logic free. It's a whopping great double standard, especially given that most men have the same surname as their mother.

You are massively overthinking and make a drama out of this.

You want to keep your surname, and that's the only thing your DH has to accept. In reality, you can keep your surname professionally and in every other aspect of your everyday life, including keeping your surname as a mother when your kids go to school and in every form you fill for doctors, insurance etc.

Being an Anglo-Saxon country where women have traditionally taken their husband's surname often means that some friends, family are going to refer you as Mrs <husband's surname> because it's a cultural tradition.

Frankly, don't sweat it. As long as you keep identifying your self by your family surname, it'll be fine.

@TheTingTings
Christmas card arrived this morning and the first thing I thought of was you OP

Married 26 years and a relative of my dh still addresses cards to Mr and Mrs husbands surname !!

You could tell him you'll rsvp yes from Mrs and Mr ting ting and see how he likes that. If he says anything other than that's totally fine then he should see your point

Yes, I disagree with you. However I am able to have a discussion about different views - you clearly are not.

I didn’t call you thick, I said the faux puzzlement makes you look a bit thick I.e. you pretending not to understand what I was saying.

yes, I am aware of reductio ad adsurdum - I didn’t see it in your posts. There is no logic in saying a persons name is not their name.