Dreading step-daughter coming home

Well done OP for realising that the problem is bigger than you initially thought and taking on board other posters comments. You've been hyper focused on your kids needs since before meeting your DH with your useless ex and admitting this is a great step forward. I hope the talk goes well and you can all work together in making this first step towards a better future.

He's clearly unusual if he went from a wife with a very driven, academic daughter who excels at sports as well, AND is good looking, for a new woman with four hangers on.

Most blokes wouldn't be seen for dust- especially telling him his own daughter can't come and go as she pleases.

Brood parasites..that have ousted the true daughter.

It's not about 'compromise enough'. These issues are different ones. And it's no one's business but OP's and her family's how their finances work.

You sound completely jealous of SDs success given your own daughters' failure to thrive .

Op you sound awful.

I really feel for your SD. Her mother had died and some woman and her rude daughters are now in her family home trying to push her out to a hotel for Xmas. Saying she can't listen to music.

You sound like right spongers- your dh paying for you daughters rent, your bills and covering the expenses of your other daughter is absolutely not the same as him taking his actual daughter on holiday once a year.

Why don't you bugger off to you DD1s for Xmas and let you SD have a nice Christmas in her home and let her relax.

It’s 3/4 days
Its your DSDs house so obviously she can go home for Christmas

I think as she and your kids are all adults you all need to learn how to get on with life together
You forget OP, she is one and your kids are four so will obviously be closer to each other.
Your children need to learn how to cope with noise, other people and other people going out and coming home late. It really is about preparing for life without you…..you need to step back and let them grow up.

Except if you read the whole thread it seems the DSD was ‘friends with ‘ a bully rather than actually a bully.

I am glad you have adjusted your perspective a bit OP.

In the end I presume you want to keep your marriage intact. So you need to be far more supportive of your DH as a parent

Of course he isn’t going to consign his Dd to a hotel when she visits for Christmas. Had you suggested that to me I’d have told YOU to bog off to a hotel.

And in the long term, any serious relationship she has could become step Son In Law. Of course your DH wants to be welcoming.

Your DH has embraced your FOUR Dc as family, come what may, you need to do the same.

And of course you cannot stop her coming in late!

Embrace her as your DSD, de-escalate , show her you and your DDs are not colonising her Dad and his home and pushing her out.

I mean, you married the father of your daughter's bully. Did you think she would just never be around?

This. Reading this whole thread I can't believe OP's DH puts up with this and how they treat his daughter coming back to her family home (with OP SUGGESTING A HOTEL INSTEAD?!?!). Poor SDS

Hmmmmm… if it was my childhood home (one that I’d be inheriting one day), I’d make the assumption I had the right to be there and act as I chose, as per my dead mothers wishes. OP’s kids could always move out if they find the rare trips from the person who grew up in the house too distressing. What a load of territorial nonsense. There’s also no evidence you mention of her being a bully, talk about grasping at straws to discredit someone the OP clearly dislikes.

I’m glad to hear it. OP, if your daughters don’t get along with your stepdaughter due to past history, how about they visit friends or relatives when your stepdaughter visits…be gone part of the day? And, I say this gently…your daughters they are adults, and really should be flying the nest. At some point it really should just be you and your DH.

Obviously DSD will keep them in the standard to which they have become accustomed.

I don't think this is true, why would the DH bring a lot of difficult young adults into his house, and allow his DD to be excluded and bullied by a stepmother and the wicked weird sisters, with stepson guest starring as Buttons.

If it was true my advice would be, in addition to getting ear defenders for her kids, the OP should leave the kind widower and his overly accomplished daughter, and go build her own house of gingerbread in the forest.

I’m still laughing at 24 carat gold fanny.

If the DH in this tall tale is real he’s the fanny though.

This.

It's disgusting.

The Husbands Daughter deserves her home.
Her mother died, feathering the nest for a new wife and her adult children, whom her father pays for!
It’s her home that her mother’s death paid for.
It’s not her fault her father remarried a woman who has a tribe of adult children that depend on her father.(Apart from
the son) .

OP, what would happen to your daughters if -god forbid- something happened to you? They are in their mid 20s and seem to have no resources or resilience for existing in the actual world. What is the long term plan here?

I suspect the house is already hers. This is based on OP indicating they’d get a different house in DH’s death. OP really better tread carefully, she could end up out on her arse.

So the OP and her family should get to stay in a house they haven’t paid for and meanwhile the child of the dead woman and the man who did pay for said house should leave?

The DSD is staying for a few days at Christmas. Not only Op but 3 other adults stay there for free all year and on too the DH pays rent for another adult child who isn’t his,

With the new info that you and your daughters are living in the home that the death of stepdaughter's mother paid for, you got a lotta nerve telling your husband she should stay in a hotel. You guys have feathered her nest and made yourselves awfully comfortable at her dad's expense.

Your husband might be losing patience with walking on eggshells and you showing such obvious resentment of his daughter and trying to alienate him from her. You haven't been subtle here.

My advice would be for you to get a full time job and start contributing financially. Get that rental emptied and move your kids there. Get them into training programs for work. Get your funds a bit more liquid in case your marriage breaks down. Get your life and your kids lives ready for change. You can't keep stirring the home pot and thinking things are going to fall out the way you want.

Wow.

I’d love to know your secret OP. You must be one hell of a catch for your DH to put up with this shit.

@AquaAnsie I hate these threads where people say you may just suck it up, at the end of the day it's your home to and if you didn't want the boyfriend to come that should of been respected, her wants don't trump you every time, I would set serious boundaries tbh for the future if your husband insists on her bring her new shinny toy each time he can rent an air b&b for the 3 of them to stay, no way would I let a stranger in my home especially over Christmas to feel uncomfortable.

I can understand why your DD will find this difficult, are they able to visit a Grandparent or other family member for a few days to get some peace?

DSD has as much right to treat your house as her home as your DD does but it sounds like a melting pot of incompatible personalities.

You can't expect a 25yo to come home early with her bf in case they wake your 23yo DD. It's madness. Your23yo DD will have to either cope with a few nights of broken sleep or move into her older sisters place for a few days. I feel sorry for the SD