Dreading step-daughter coming home

I hope DSD turns out to be a shit hot divorce lawyer and helps her father see the light.

Wow. Just wow OP.

It's not exactly the same, is it? Presumably the SDD gets some benefit (i.e. derives some enjoyment) from playing her music, which, unless she was a complete sadist, she wouldn't get from stealing their wheelchair or locking them out of their bathroom or whatever!

The music might distress them but it doesn't incapacitate them.

Anyone, whether autistic or not, surely understands that you can't always exert complete control over your environment, even more so when you are living rent and bills free in someone else's home. If/when the DDs move out they will still have to deal with noisy neighbours, etc. If they have their own DC, they will have to cope when they are crying or shouting. Presumably they had to learn to deal with a high level of noise when they went to school, given they were apparently in the same mainstream school as the SDD.

Exactly the same as your physical disability analogy - millions of people are living in properties that aren't perfectly suitable for their needs, because a diagnosis doesn't magically override everything else and mean that money and space issues disappear and other people's rights and opinions are superseded.

I mean this kindly I really do, you have a duty to teach your dds and ds to manage these situations. You can’t micromanage things for them. At home is where we learn the skills to manage outside the home. You all need to suck it up. It can’t be easy for her to get her head round a whole new family in her family home.

I do wonder, can you personally just imagine the scenario @AquaAnsie

Irrespective of all the personalities involved,

Your husband's daughter was 17 years old, living in her childhood home, when yourself, your 19 year old son, and your 3 daughters 18,16 and 13 year's old descended.

It is not really surprising is it, that there may be resentment from her.

I would be amazed, quite frankly, if your husband didn't bend over backwards under that circumstance, to ensure that his daughter still felt at home, in her home.

You and your children are the interlopers here, can you not see that?

I think you would all, (you and your children) profit immensely, if you could look at the situation from the daughter's perspective.

If said wheelchair user is living in the home of the stepsister’s parent, who has no issue with his daughter doing what she’s doing and isn’t going to ask her to change her behavior or not visit, then they would be best advised to move elsewhere.

This, what were you thinking OP?

I expect part of your DDs' upset is that you invited the 'enemy' into their family.

You need to take responsibility for your part in this - I mean, it's too late to do anything about it now, but it's really shocking that you seem to be blaming everyone around you when you need to be looking in the mirror.

What a disgusting comment

The adults in the home can make some adaptation and wear noise cancelling headphones, white noise music and really should have built some coping strategies as a adults on the spectrum with the full time support of still living in a home with their parent who still seems to oversee their care.

And even your example of physical adaptation requirements can still at times have work around.

It's incredibly unhealthy and toxic for family units to only function around the needs of one child all of the time and in this situation adults.

And I say that as a parent with a child on the spectrum she doesn't live in a bubble she lives in a home with other people who for the most part accommodate her needs sometimes it doesn't happen because life happens and no one else living here will be demonised for it.

Maybe not relevant, but just wait and see how life will sort the snobbish person with a superiority complex. The higher they climb, the harder the fall. Speaking from personal experience, unfortunately. If you let your dc do what they want to do on Christmas day, that would be great - if they don't want to interact with her and her boyf, fine, if they want to sit in their rooms and read, etc. - fine. Just don't force them into socialising.

I’d expect the mother of the child with any disabilities not to put them in a position of living in a house that’s not suitable either in general or because of its occupants.

The op and her adult children all choose to live in this man’s house, because they want to and because it’s easier for them and let’s face it free.

If they don’t like the owners rules of the house they are free to leave. They are not being held hostage.

The ops daughter who cannot deal with loud noise could always wear noise cancelling headphones, rather than insisting someone else wear headphones for their music which happens so rarely. Use white noise in her bedroom if she is a light sleeper. There are multiple ways to help it’s entirely different to stopping someone use a wheelchair. The step daughter isn’t stopping ops daughter from doing anything. She’s a grown ass adult too who can mitigate and help her self she’s not a defenceless infant.

This is outrageous. You should be ashamed of this comment.

You’re also now going to get the whole thread deleted/derailed.

Where is SD mum?

I am confused why isn’t the 4 kids Dad paying their rent and funding them and housing them if they are so uncomfortable in another family’s home

If the autistic DDs can't cope with a bit of music, how about they wear the headphones? Why should his DD have to make all the compromises here?

Her mother has died by the sounds of things, her home has been taken over by what must feel like a whole gang of sullen ingrates with 'needs' that absolutely must trump hers, who resent the fact that she's prettier, more successful and more popular than they are. And their mother clearly expects her to dim her own light so that they can all feel a bit less shit about themselves. Well fuck that.

Your DDs struggle when she’s around, but I’m sure she struggles when they’re around too, albeit in different ways. I have a sibling with autism, and it’s bloody hard to be around him a lot of the time. And they’re not even her real sisters so she doesn’t have that underlying love for them that she might if they were related.

@Orphlids I was just trying to compose a post expressing something similar, but you expressed it better than I could. I also have a sibling with autism. Much as I adore them and have huge amounts of empathy for their challenges, it isn't always easy to be around them. Some people may think that's a terrible thing to say, but it is accurate. And the OP's DSD doesn't even have that close bond with her step-sisters. I can imagine she finds it stressful being around her step family in her own way.

I’m deducing from your answer that you do indeed view visible/physical disabilities as different from invisible disabilities. Presumably you wouldn’t tell a wheelchair user that they need to move to a rental if their step sister blocked access to their wheelchair?

Your niece isn't OP's stepdaughter. This is absolutely ridiculous projection.

Grow up. You sound about as mature as OP's DSD.

OP, YANBU as far as I am concerned. Your DSD is a grown woman who has bullied and is still purposely being awful to your DDs. I knew how this thread was going to go down as soon as I read the title (particularly as it was placed in AIBU) but not everyone on MN thinks stepparents and their children shouldn't exist or that stepchildren are all damaged flowers who can do no wrong. Your DH should be addressing the inconsiderate behaviour. To be frank I think your DSD sounds like a right cow.

HRTFT but my first reactions were that you moved in with the father of your DD's bully? WTF were you thinking? Also, you sound jealous of DSD

Maybe your dd’s need to think about moving out, there’s supported living etc if they would struggle to live independently, that way they would be able to control who came into their house and not be upset be dsd?

It’s up to her dad if he wants his adult daughter wanting a curfew or sound limit in the house that’s his and will be hers

He doesn’t so op has two options suck it up or move to the rental.

" I wouldn't say he funds them anymore than he does his DD (takes her snowboarding every year and pays for her summer holiday)."

Oh come on. He literally pays for the roof over their head and their bills. That is completely different to paying for his DD to go on holiday. One is essential and one is a luxury she could live without. If he didn't pay for your DC they wouldn't be able to fund themselves. If he didn't pay for his DC it sounds like she could afford to pay for herself, or, worst comes to the worst she'd miss out on one holiday. There is no comparison.

From your updates there's no actual proof your SDD actually did any bullying at all, and even if she did that was, what, nearly a decade ago? She might not be a lovely person but literally nothing you've described that she does when she comes home to visit (seeing her friends, playing music, coming home late but not disturbing anyone) is unreasonable at all for someone visiting her parent in the home she grew up in!

As others have said, while your DC live with you, you and your DH own the house. You have 2 of your DC with you 100% of the time, and another two visiting very regularly. He has 1 child visiting occasionally, of course he doesn't want her to be made to feel unwelcome. If she was actively and repeatedly bullying your DDs then of course you should say something but "playing music" isn't that!

As a previous poster said - this definitely has Cinderella vibes but from the POV of the stepmother.

I am team SD/Cinderella.

Poor DSD. She is a capable hard working young woman in a stressful job and you seem to have a strong dislike of her. Why is it ok for your DDs to find her annoying and not the other way around?

Good question. If they can't afford it they should be claiming housing benefit.