If you're a Christmas martyr why do you do it?

@Proteinbananas , that's it, what you said, I am starting to figure out that it is important for me to enjoy the time as well. And I don't want my kids to be influence - at their ages what's done is done more or less.. For so many years I felt like everyone has to have everything and be relaxing but if I'm sitting down, there's something wrong. I am going to try this year to treat myself, if not like a visitor or guest, at least as someone who deserves to enjoy the time as well, and not literally a skivvy. The awful thing is that if you do it all, you get quite efficient at it, but it still means working nearly the whole time. I think it's the problem of being brought up as a professional but with the guilt of a 1950s housewife.

I don't think it's the end of the world if your other half is crap at some aspects of Xmas but overall there needs to be a balance.

DH is crap at presents, loathes shopping and probably couldn't choose gifts anyone really wanted if his life depended on it. So I do the presents including my own. I'm fine with it. I used to make him buy me something but I never ended up with what I wanted so now I just spend his money buying exactly what I want. Sometimes he wraps them but more often than not I get the expensive shop to gift wrap it.

However, if he did nothing at all and was shit at gifts on top I'd be far less tolerant.

He writes and sends all the xmas cards because I hate it and won't do them. He also cooks the xmas dinner and makes everyone bacon butties in the morning. He also occupies everyone through the evening with board games I'm not a fan of whilst I slope off and watch Netflix with a G&T.

I put in most of the effort in the run up to xmas but by xmas eve I consider myself done for the most part and let him organise the day. Now my kids are adults they also pitch in with decorating the tree and house and washing up. So I think we've all found a compromise that works for us.

My DH declared this year that he hates Christmas and wishes it was a day like any other. No tree, no gifts, no family, nothing.

In his mind it's because all these things require some level of input from him. He just doesn't get enough out of it to warrant the effort. He doesn't derive meaningful pleasure from a big family lunch; having a decorated tree in the house; children excited about gifts; carol concerts and christmas telly.

He loves playing football with DS. He loves helping DD with her maths and science projects. Knowing he's providing a safe and comfortable home for his family makes his job worthwhile. Popping into lunch with his parents on a random Sunday can sometimes be just what he needs. He just doesn't get anything out of Christmas.

So he doesn't do it. And I can't fault the logic. I love all that tinselly shit so I do it all, and he 'suffers' through it. I'm martyring myself to my own fantasies and my children's Christmases. But it's all unilateral, I decide to do it and I execute it. The day I decide to stop, there will be no complaints from DH (probably will be from the DC, rod for my own back!).

I don't do anything unless I'm happy to do it myself. Sounds like a selfish way to live but it makes me happy so that's priority for me:
I have kids so I give a F who gets upset over whatever.
If something is not in my interest or my dc then I don't do it. I'm absolutely OK with not being liked.

Because no other fucker does it?

Honestly, now in a long term same sex relationship it’s so bloody nice sharing the load.

Theres no questions asked, it’s all just equal.
So much nicer/easier/less burdened/guilt free if I don’t do it (because it wouldn’t have been done otherwise).

I have been there and in my efforts to pull back I think I overshot the mark and just wanted to cancel Christmas - I still get a bit panicked thinking about the years I was in the thick of the martyrdom screaming inside with the stress. I think we probably have a good balance now but a few eggs got broken along the way. People don’t like it when you stop.

I've rejected Christmas matrydom.
I have two daughters and I don't want to model that behaviour to them.
So I don't host.
I don't buy presents for in-laws.
I don't write the Xmas cards for in-laws.
If DH forgets, it's all on him. I ain't picking up the pieces.
You'll just find me on Xmas day with a glass of wine doing F all.

For the kids

I buy for OH and he buys for me. I mainly do the kids but he gives me money towards, I buy for my family and he buys for his.
I don't stress about Xmas dinner because it's just a pimped up version of a roast which I do on a weekly basis, infection it's probably easier because we prep the day before.
If what we did stressed me out that much, I'd cut it back. That's the only advice I could give anyone, it's one day, lower your expectations and enjoy it.

I have a tiny kitchen. I don't want one else squeezing in prodding poking and fucking things up.

I don't do any of the clearing up.

I am not. I buy alongside my husband from my wages ....he buys what he buys. My mother in law is the martyr. She used to send me gifts even when I was NC with her

I do my own married family Christmas and visit occasionally the in laws now ...

I know few people who do this. I'm 62 and my DH cooked Christmas dinner. He was a tidy cook too. He also was in charge of his family's gifts and Xmas cards.
Most of my friends the same. If they did the cooking the husband did the washing up etc. I only know one friend who does everything and everyone considers her husband a selfish bully and her a bit of a fool for putting up with it.
I think a lot of women who do take it all on think no one can do it as well as they do.

This is me! 100%! Ditto birthday presents when I'm still asked why his family sometimes don't get them - not my responsibility!!

DP does the cooking and food ordering. He is also in charge of DC’s Christmas list after one year totally screwing up the perfect system I had in place by going rogue and DC ending up with duplicates.

I do the majority of organising (and for DC’s December. Birthday too) and present buying and we share the load for cleaning the house and general admin stuff.

If he didn’t pull his weight we wouldn’t be together. I like to make a bit of an effort with Christmas and he does too now - after being a bit of an Ebenezer for years before we met.

If the load isn’t shared fairly, then only do what suits you.

DP has given up his career to be a carer for my son to allow me to take a promotion last year. I couldn’t have done it if he continued working full time and voluntary redundancy came up at his work so it worked out perfectly. He wasn’t career oriented and I am.

He has a small income from renting out a property and gets carers allowance. I earn more than enough to cover mortgage, bills and fun money. So I have covered the costs of Christmas which has involved throwing a few things in my Amazon basket for his family because it’s not too much of an ask.

The rest - food shopping, decorations etc - I care about and he doesn’t. He would genuinely be fine going without and would make a bit of effort for the sake of my son but nowhere near the experience I want to create for him.

But then, compared to many of the women I see on here, I still do the bare minimum. So maybe that’s why it doesn’t bother me!

Said better than I could but this pretty much sums it up

It really irritates me that Christmas and birthday cards always come from my sister-in-law like my brother has forgotten how to use a pen.

Some people love it. And some people love to burden themselves so then they can moan about it.

It’s only on here I see women doing this. Every couple I know shares the load, but they both work full time. We both work full time in similar jobs and share the load at Christmas and throughout the year. It makes for happy, stress free parents and children. So I’m not going to change anything!

At least my DF knew what I was given for gifts, as he usually bought them himself. As he did a lot of traveling around the UK, popped into a Toys R Us en route somewhere.

She's happy to crack on. DF and myself wash up as have the posh stuff which doesn't go in the dishwasher and saucepans which have wooden handles.

When my kids were little I was very desperate for everything to be like out of a storybook and perfect, so I busted a gut to achieve that. Ex DH did help, but not the main brunt. We separated 6 years ago, kids are 50/50 with each parent, but every year it's alway me still hosting Christmas day at my place, to which ex DH comes. I have always found it super stressful and the guilt of us not having been able to keep the marriage together and the family life makes me feel even worse at Christmas for this one day when we're kind of fakely together as a family (ex DH's partner only 'allows' us to meet as a family on kids' birthdays, and ex DH enables that). I also always have my elderly, not uncomplicated Mum visiting from abroad and I feel obliged to invite neighbours over and bake things. I genuinely dread Christmas for months ahead and feel tearful at the thought of it. This year weirdly it feels a bit different, maybe as I'm getting into the perimenopause and so give less of a fuck generally, and my DP of nearly 5 years will be with us this year and it's really nice to think of him being there (although also guilt etc), and I've sort of decided to not kill myself making home made mince pies etc (live abroad also so hard to get stuff like that), and decided to at least try to enjoy it and get the kids to help more (they are 18 and 16). I think it's so easy to become a martyr though because all the insidious feelings about what is to be a wife and or mother seem to be crystallised around Christmas, that for me it's always felt like overwhelming pressure to be perfect. So hopefully - not this year!