Dh meeting female colleague for a drink

Some of you would have a field day with me regularly going off to another country to stay with a male friend. OP, you've said you've got confidence issues - please work on this for you, so your light shines again. Before your confidence issues (understandable by the way) would this have been an issue for you?

Would he be ok with you meeting a male single friend for a drink? If you trust he wouldn't cheat then to ban him from doing so could seem a bit controlling. It does make it sound like you feel he can't be trusted. With no evidence he'd ever cheat it's not a good feeling to give someone.
Maybe she'll turn out to be someone you can be friends with also? If you met her you might get on really well.
I honestly think if he's ok with you having male friends, in principle, then it should work both ways.

You said "He’d be fine with me doing the same". Let's see if he will really be fine with that.

It depends on the industry. This would be very normal in my industry, and not a sign of cheating. I go for drinks and lunches with people of all ages and genders. It used to be a male dominated industry though, and it has changed a bit in recent years, perhaps due to increasing numbers of women in the profession - more coffee daytime meetings, less drinks in the evening meetings.

Is it a lunchtime drink on a working day? or at the weekend of after work?

where I am from, it's quite old school, if your in a couple and a bit older, you wouldn't really do this.

Has he been friendly with this woman for a long time OP or is it only recently they have become close enough for him to give her lifts and meet up for lunch?

If she is a long term friend then OK. But otherwise if this is a new friendship it sounds rather as though they are having a date together.

I wouldn't be happy with his reaction to your concerns either. You are his life partner and he should be reassuring you and taking your feelings into account.

I think work is a circumstance where you can form proper friendships with people of the opposite sex without any kind of dating related undertones, as there’s no expectation whatsoever.

I wouldn’t say anything about this, and work on your own self esteem instead. He’s never given you a reason to doubt him, so why start now? Plus it’s a lunchtime drink not a wild night out.

I'm going to my works Christmas do tomorrow, staying over in the city and it's mostly men my age. I'll be drinking but there's not a single one I would ever think of in that way. And if they ever thought of me in that way, I'm confident enough to clearly turn them down.

I am biased but I've yet to meet a guy who wants to be a friend and who has zero ulterior motive ever. My twenties were littered with "friends" who were only biding their time before making a move and then blaming me for being stupid enough to think being a friend was enough for them. So I'm well able for any bloke who thinks that because I'm friendly I must somehow be giving him secret telepathic signals.

I mean, men's new friends at work are never Marge in her late 50s in accounts are they? It's always someone younger, and I really do believe that even if they have zero intention of cheating, they enjoy the attention and any flirting from someone they find attractive. And therein lies the line for me. I've no interest in being with a man who would do that, and DH feels likewise.

I do know guys who have a bunch of female friends and who make female friendships that remain female friendships, but they are few and far between.

This! Invite yourself along and see his reaction 😅

Hmmm, I’m on the fence.

Dh was out with some of his team last night, they were all women. Only 5 went, none of the guys could make it.

He said eveyone went home at 10, bar one woman and she and dh stayed until 11 and then he gave her a lift home as he doesn’t drink. I don’t know how old she is or anything about her. I’ve never asked.

A decade ago, I’d have been seething with jealousy. All these years on, I couldn’t give a shit, I didn’t even ask about his evening and wouldn’t have unless he was chatting about it today.

I don’t think I’d care if he went out with a female colleague for lunch. To be fair, I wouldn’t know.

Please don’t do this. It would be so embarrassing.

I completely agree with you!

I'm glad we have mn to help challenge thinking. Women don't want to sleep with every guy they meet, however much the men might think we do and that they're the ones showing restraint.

I can struggle with insecurity and my DP will always do anything to reassure me but I couldn’t imagine asking him to drop a friend. What did the friend do to deserve that!? It’s a very slippery slope of control that’ll only lead to secrets IMO.

My partner recently did an overnight with work where a female colleague went with. They had hotel rooms on separate floors but went out to dinner together (on company dime) and had a few drinks after a long day. When he came home I fully admit I was anxious and he helped me through it with transparency and patience. Your partner is just that. Work through it together, but you shouldn’t be restricting and policing his interactions.

Women are more than sex objects and we need to really see each other that way. Women, as people, have just as much to offer platonically or to a colleague at work, as another man.

@Bookish01 despite my post below lovely though I would say 'yep, no problem' and keep an eye on things, as nothing becomes more appealing than 'forbidden'

Can I ask why a year, and what will you do to help yourself get better?

as I think if you say you’re going for therapy etc, booked in, socialising yourself more, whatever it takes for you to fix your issues, I might be open to support.

but if I got I might feel different in a year, not doing anything about it, I’d feel I was being emotionally maniplated, and be very pissed off. Obvs I’d go.

I disagree with many on here- I think many here are thinking from a 'woman's' viewpoint and I do find women can genuinely be simply friends and colleagues and drinks genuinely mean drinks with all kinds of men, old, young, colleagues etc- just basically folk you get on with.

I have rarely met a man of any age who goes out his way to ask new female colleagues or acquaintances on 'one on one 'drinks unless they were attractive ( to them) , there was a spark or they were very potentially useful to them career/networking wise.

I'm sure others will say otherwise but at 63 having worked in lots of industry's , I'm being honest about what I have found to be the score more often than not

Wow, I'd never do this. If my partner was feeling anxious about our relationship, I'd look to reassure them in other ways. But I'd never send the message to a friend that "I'm dumping you because of my partner's insecurities ". That's a shitty way to treat someone.

OP, would you have any concerns if she was 10 years older?

My DH has a couple of female ex colleagues he meets very occasionally for a coffee/catch up. I have no issue with this.

Don't ask to go along, don't arrange to go for drinks with another man.

Is the lunchtime drink on a work day? Or is it on a weekend when he would have been spending time with you?

I had a 'work husband' years ago, we were thick as thieves at work but because we had so much in common, similar interests and got on really well. He is married to a lovely woman and they have 3 children. I was on and off single. The friendship was completely platonic. He was such a lovely bloke, and funny and he was a confidant, gave great advice. We still keep in touch even 18 years later through social media and every now and again meet up for cake and a coffee, or a cheeky pint and put the world to rights.

I would try not to worry and it's probably completely innocent. You will be able to see if he starts acting differently or shifty or if it starts to become a regular thing, that's when you need to worry.

Mm, one drink and then lunchtime drinks. Did she go for lunchtime drinks with the other lift giver?

I meet with male friends now and again and DP has quite few female friends. Neither of us would think twice about the other meeting up for a drink with a colleague of the opposite sex. If my DP was telling me who I could and couldn't go for a drink with, we wouldn't be together any more.

I guess it depends on the specific circumstances doesn’t it. He’s given this younger, single woman a lift and they’ve obviously clicked, which is why they want to go for a drink. Why? Is it bc she needs his advice for work? Bc he is introducing her to a friend of his he thinks she’d be interested in or could help her in some way? To discuss the topics of conversation they had in the car on their way to work? If it’s the latter, then this is a date. Fine if they’re both single - not if he’s partnered up, which he is. He should also be sensitive enough to his wife’s feelings to think - I can chat to x at work during a break, I don’t NEED to go out specifically to do this - just the two of us with alcohol etc.

Many women on here are citing their male friends that they’ve known before they got with their partner, or have known for years. Thats a completely different situation! It doesn’t sound like he’s known this colleague long, or if he has, hasn’t got to know her before. There’s getting on with a colleague and forming a close relationship with them which involves meetings and extensive social communication outside of work. It’s totally disrespectful and unreasonable for him to expect his wife to be ok with this. If he would be then he’s obviously checked out of the relationship and doesn’t care if it fails bc he’s got his eye elsewhere.

Sorry, OP, he’s a shit.