Dh meeting female colleague for a drink

Great, that's one example. But have you never encountered two people who had lunch together and DIDN'T end up having sex?

Also, I find him outrageously gorgeous, but I don't imagine every single woman in the world does. And even if they do, well that's for him to deal with.

Personally I assume most women and indeed a lot of men find DP as gorgeous as I do - it's objectively true! - and so have simply had to accept that if I allow him to set foot outside the house, he will have to fend off hordes of people attracted to him.

I assume he thinks the same about me tbh.

The weirdest aspect of MN's sex-obsession is that most posters seem to think that finding someone else attractive will inevitably lead to acting on that. Have they never heard of self-control? Are they only friends with ugly people? I think most of my friends, male and female, are good-looking and well-groomed. Doesn't mean I want to jump their bones.

I remember thinking like that when people whispered about a couple of directors in our organisation who often had lunch together . I thought the whispers were mean and paranoid. Why can't they just be good friends.

Maybe they did just start out as friends but eventually both their marriages ended, and they are now a couple.

It's eroded a lot of respect people had for them as well. So it impacted them professionally too

The amount of paranoia on here is astonishing. Surely that’s not reflective of real life. Men and women mix day in day out and manage to control any sexual urges.

I work in a male dominated industry. Plenty of 1:1 coffees, lunches, dinners, business trips. I’m married and so are my male colleagues in the main. Some on 2nd or 3rd wives admittedly. Never thought about shitting on my own doorstep by sleeping with any of them!! It would be beyond batshit crazy if a wife either forbade a catch up or insisted on coming too. I’d feel really sad that her self-esteem was so low.

I don't care what anybody says, it's not normal or acceptable for a married man to be going out with a woman on his own, or a fairly regular basis

There are a few exceptions of course

Yes. I suppose one of the exceptions might be relationships where it is normal and acceptable.

@NoIdeaWhatsHappeningHere the fact that a husband has respect for his partner's feelings does not mean she has him on a leash - quite the opposite.

You don't have to believe me, but it is true.

I'm not my husband's keeper. He's his own man with friends of all kinds, and varying depths of closeness.

He makes the choice each day to be with me and I wouldn't settle for anything less. I'm not going to keep him on a leash just to 'keep my man'. Yuck.

Also, I find him outrageously gorgeous, but I don't imagine every single woman in the world does. And even if they do, well that's for him to deal with.

I genuinely would be fine with it. Because I wouldn't be with someone if I had to feel like I couldn't trust them alone with someone of the opposite sex. I don't see the point in a relationship if that's how it has to be.

Yeah, this. ^ People can go on and on as much as they like about how they would be 'absolutely fine' with their husband having a meeting alone (coffee/drinks out/a meal together etc) with a young, attractive female, (or any female actually - even the same age as them.) But I don't believe them.

For instance, I'm in my late 50s - and if my husband was going out and meeting up with a woman from work, or a hobby group - just him and her, whether she was the same age, or younger, I wouldn't be happy with it. And I know for a fact he wouldn't be happy with me going out with a man on my own. The vast majority of people - men AND women would not be happy with this.

I don't care what anybody says, it's not normal or acceptable for a married man to be going out with a woman on his own, or a fairly regular basis. A bunch of women from a hobby group or from work, yeah, but not one woman and him on their own ... It's just weird, and it's unacceptable to do this when you're married.

There are a few exceptions of course, like my (adult) DC, both around 30 y.o. meet friends of the opposite sex occasionally, that they knew from school, and they go to the cinema together, or do a certain hobby together that they enjoy. But they've been mates since they were children, and they knew them WAY before they met their current partner. AND they know their partners well, and they all go out in groups occasionally.

However, if (for example,) a married man has a female friend who he sees on his own socially, and he met her after he met his wife, and she doesn't know his wife, (and has no intention of getting to know her) then that is a red flag. In many cases, they don't know his wife, they don't WANT to, and see her as a hinderance, getting in the way of the 'friendship' with this particular man. It's a bad sign when the married man's female friend has zero interest in getting to know his wife, and has no interest in even talking to her... Very telling, and very suspicious...

And why, WHY is the married man not wanting or letting his wife meet his 'female friend.' ???

@Bookish01 YANBU to be pissed off and concerned. Bet your DH is loving it though that you're insecure and worried. As a pp said, maybe you should get a new male friend and start going out with him - just the two of you!

I would be wary OP,
Your husband has no interest in a one to one drink with 70 year old Maureen or Bert - only the ten years younger single mum.

People saying they go for drinks with colleagues - in the plural no problem - but where are the rest of the colleagues?

Going out with a bunch of work colleagues is one thing, but going out for drinks, alone, is different.

How did ‘Giving a lift’ change’ to a discussion into ‘we must go out for a drink’. Who suggested it?

Also, why does this person need a lift? Why can’t she find her own way home, on the one- off occasion the regular lift-giver is unable to do it?

Exactly.

If what it takes to keep my DH faithful is for me to constantly monitor him and make sure he never has the chance to cheat, which is impossible anyway, then I don't want him. If he's gonna cheat without CONSTANT VIGILANCE, he can cheat and fuck off. Either he stays faithful of his own accord because he wants to, or he's not worth my time anyway and can GTF.

In any case I'm bisexual and could meet zero people one on one ever if that were the standard. I have older male friends that are former coworkers that I've met for lunch for years. It's always been an enjoyable, satisfying, entirely nonsexual friendship.

Strong disagree.

I can't believe the level of insecurity, control and jealousy you would need to feel to react like this. It's absolutely insane to me and I could never ever be in a relationship with someone who responded this way.

If DH or I started dictating who the other was friends with or who they met for lunch it would be game over. We are whole people with friends, interests, hobbies, careers and (platonic) relationships that go far beyond our marriage. We're also married and trust one another and value the other person completely.

Controlling much?
OP needs to work with her dh on the issues that are worrying her within the marriage.

I have too much self respect to ask to tag along! Yuck.

Totally agree, I wouldn’t be happy with it at all.

Well yes. But I think if your expectation is that your partner never finds anyone else attractive or notices their looks, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship at all. The point of someone committing to you is that they don't act on that attraction, not that they don't feel it. And for most people there's a huge distance between finding someone attractive and wanting to do anything about it.

My point was also that "it's never Barry in IT or Janet in accounts" crops up like a demented clockwork cliche on all of these threads and I just want to shout YES IT IS every time. I think there are some women whose "spidey senses" get set off by the mere presence of a younger, attractive woman and they are exhausting to deal with (christ knows what they're like to be married to).

The difference is, though, is that sexual attraction is never likely to develop with some bloke in the office.

It's naive to pretend that a man won't have noticed an attractive woman or even had 'would I?" sexual thoughts about a young attractive female colleague.

Even if he never acts on those thoughts, a heterosexual male is never going to have those thoughts about a male colleague or the office 'fabulously grumpy' Greek grandmother.

You're right, it is nonsense when people say men never want to go for a drink with older female colleagues or men (I meet up for weekly after work drinks with a male colleague 17 years younger than me). But it's naive to pretend that men don't see them differently too.

Are you worried about it because it’s something he doesn’t usually do or is it because you feel there’s something different about this situation

It's a very difficult one.

Because, in theory, we should be able to trust our partners and we should all be free to go out for a drink with whoever we like.
My exhusband and I never placed restrictions on each other and we both had a couple of opposite sex friends we met up with occasionally. Other than that, we were always at work or at home with a young family.

Before my ex husband drove, he had a hobby on the other side of town. He told me that one of the divorced women at work (a friend of his I was aware of but had never met) told him that he could crash at hers after the hobby rather than navigate the limited public transport home. I was ok with it but his mum gave me a very stern talking to about 'giving my husband away'. Anyway, he never took this woman up on her offer.

The following year, he had an affair with a different woman at work whose name he'd never even mentioned but, who it turned out, he'd been meeting up with for lunch. I still don't think he'd have cheated with the first colleague because, if he were going to, he would have.

And that the crux of it.

If someone wants to cheat, they will. No amount of 'always at home', 'doesn’t have the opportunity', or weekly lunch 'dates' will make any difference.

But, at the same time, affairs often start in the same way as primary relationships. They don't start in the bedroom. They start with conversations, developing a bond and spending time together. The only thing ever stopping a person from cheating is opportunity (ie mutual attraction) and personal integrity.

I'd never stop a partner from meeting up with an opposite sex friend but would also be aware that it could turn into an affair and that i have no control over that. But, then, they could have an affair with someone they'd never even mentioned. Or have someone throw themselves at them and still never stray.

Only they can make that decision. All we can do is choose someone we don't think/believe would cheat in the first place but, even then, there are no guarantees.

Someone always says something along these lines and it's so disconnected to reality. Yes, men go for one-on-one drinks with male colleagues. Literally all the fucking time. And yes, with older female colleagues too. DP's best work friend is a Greek grandmother who does "fabulously grumpy" like no one else I've ever met.

I have been out for one-on-one drinks with male colleagues both as a young and now less-young woman and in the majority of cases there was never a hint of anything unprofessional.

Insinuating that there's inherently something sexual about two colleagues going for a drink is wildly insulting to women trying to build their careers. It's called networking. It's called building contacts. Our male peers do the same thing with older, senior colleagues every day of the year and never have to run the gauntlet of insanely jealous wives.

I’m truly flummoxed at many of these responses. My husband has plans to meet up with one of his female colleagues over Christmas and it hasn’t occurred to me once that either of them want a shag. I trust him and while I love my husband and enjoy sleeping with him I don’t automatically expect every other woman, single or otherwise. Nor do I plan to tag along and be an awkward 3rd wheel. Far less effort to just piss on him as he goes out the door to mark my territory 🙄

Doubt it I think anyone’s reaction would be off if they were going to meet someone and they turned up with there partner unexpectedly
nothing to do with having an affair just plain awkward

if my other half insisted on coming I’d cancel so no doubt by MN rules I’d be oblivious having an affair but the reality is it would be awkward , uncomfortable and embarrassing
that I had to be escorted or I’d be shagging the person I was meeting

Go. Her reaction will tell you what you need to know