Dh meeting female colleague for a drink

My DH has four sisters and is very close to his mum. He's not blokey or a man's man. Ever since I've known him he's had female friends, most of whom he's met through uni/work. I have to say I love this about him. It shows me that he sees women as human beings he respects, not simply people to potentially have sex with. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't have female friends when married to me because, you know, he might be tempted to shag them.
He's often gone out for dinner or drinks with colleagues, male and female. Last week he went on a hike with a female colleague.
I've always had male friends too and DH has no problem with this. He often drops me at the pub to meet an old male friend of mine.
If DH was starting to fall in love with with a colleague I don't see what difference it would make if i said "I forbid you to have a drink with her." He'd see her at work every day anyway and if he wanted to, he could sneak around behind my back.
How he behaves in our marriage is entirely his responsibility. It's not for me to police his behaviour. If he wants to fuck up his life by shagging around then that's on him. He'd lose his wife, kids and happy home. This is completely his choice. Either he values our marriage or he doesn't. I'm not going to waste my energy trying to control him.

It’s a difficult one. I think if it really upsets you then your partner maybe should have a rethink.,your feelings matter x

The workplace is the most common place for an affair.

I totally agree.
Im guessing he’s in his 40’s or 50’s.
If he’s sociable and likeable I doubt he has a shortage of existing friends to go out with at lunchtime or any other time.
During my 40’s and now 50’s, there weren’t / aren’t enough days in the week for me to meet with all the existing wonderful friends I already have. I’ve no time of interest in seeking out new friendships or connections.
I trusted my husband with my life for the last 28 years.
He isn’t the type / not capable of cheating.
I recently found out that he’s been having a full on affair with a work colleague for 5 years.
Started off with the occasional lunch at work.
After a works event, they would be the ones at the end of the night “staying on and chatting.”
In no time at all they were confiding in each other and their “connection” grew very quickly.
How do you know about the lift and lunch drinks ?
I Understanding you are not in a great place atm.

Do you meet with your husband at lunchtimes or go out in the evening together ?
Put in effort to have some special and fun times with your husband to keep your spark.
Please don’t blindly ignore.
I genuinely wish you all the best and hope it’s nothing more.

One colleague I was friends with for 5 years, the minute he split with his fiancée, asked me out and said he'd wanted to do it for years but didn't want to betray his then partner. Well, he betrayed my friendship and his fiancé wasted years on someone who fancied another woman!!

I don't understand this attitude. Surely, we all feel attraction for other people, even if we are in a relationship. The important thing is if we act on it.

This guy didn't until he was single. I don't understand how this is a betrayal of your friendship.

Years ago then I was younger this would have bothered me, but after 18 years of faithfulness I know my husband wouldn't do anything, he has met women collegues outside of work, it's fine, if there is trust.

You can't tell him not to go, you either trust him or you don't.....

I must admit it was always other women I didn't trust, didn't trust them not to try it on etc, but you just have to trust dh to do the right thing if that should happen, hopefully not and it is just friendship

The thing that strikes me the most about some of these responses is the belief that if the husband was going to start an affair, not meeting for a drink would somehow prevent it.

It might be totally innocent. He might be trying to start an affair. We have no idea, and OP's paranoia and low self-esteem make me wonder if there's more to this that we don't know about.

But he's going to try for an affair with his colleague, he's going to do it whether he goes for a drink with her or not. OP either trusts him or she doesn't. You can't prevent someone having an affair, and this is the reason women on here are constantly reminded to maintain financial and emotional independence.

I'm also laughing at the idea that single mothers, (I'm one) are all just waiting to pounce on married men, apparently.

Or sometimes their spider senses are tingling for a damn good reason, but they’ll convince themselves they’re just being insecure because of their low self-esteem. It can work both ways.

My late mother was of the opinion that a man and a woman cannot have any sort of relationship without sexual tension being included somewhere. It would not surprise me if many other women thought like this as well. Heaven knows what they would think of me playing bridge with a woman 20 years older then going for a meal with her after which happened once, funnily enough no-one in the bridge club questioned me or her about that. You wouldn't believe the orgies I get involved with on my canasta evening with three men and three women. 🙄

OP please ignore those who claim they would be cool with it. Yet they wouldn’t be so cool if it happened to them. Why would he want to meet her for a drink or lunch if he sees this woman in work or when he gives a lift to her. He can talk to her then. Why do it outside if work? I’ve asked my husband his opinion and he said the OP has every right to be concerned as it sounded like a date to him. And it sounds like a date to me. Your husband should be putting your mind at rest by not going because you should be his priority and not his work colleague.

The key point that came out of the OP's post is "low self esteem". This can influence people into believing that any meeting of their partner with someone of the opposite sex must constitute a risk that person will steal their partner from them. Ironically, in some cases the reaction caused by the low self esteem can result in the thing they are frightened of, i.e. their partner does go off with someone else because they are sick of the drama and suspicion. Yet another example of where logic needs to be used to override emotion.

Your opinion that those who feel the op is well within her rights to feel concerned are all
paranoid is incredibly insulting. Affairs DO start this way. Just because this in not your experience does not mean it doesn’t happen. The op is well within her rights to feel concerned about it. Maybe you are just naive?

It is clearly a date. You are not the man here so you have none what is going through his head

I just can’t get my head around this. My DH is a nurse ergo a larger proportion of his colleagues are female. I trust him implicitly and would dream of banning him or suggesting I go along. He’s had breakfast a few times with a couple. He’s asked if I want to meet them and come along. Some people are untrustworthy but the this comes down to whether you trust him or not.

Why not?

I believe it's totally valid to request your OH not go onto a 1:1 date with a new female friend, especially a younger single one.
A group work thing - yeah totally fine.
A pre existing, longstanding female friendship 1:1 - yeah totally fine.
But brand new friendship with single young women - nope.
Total recipe for disaster.
Anyone that thinks otherwise is being naive. It could be innocent but often it's how affairs start so why risk it.
He should respect you enough to not go if you ask him. Simple as that.
We all make compromises to make our relationships strong including actively resisting temptation. He doesn't NEED this new friendship with his colleague if it puts strain on the most important relationship in his life. If he feels he does, then something is already wrong.
I hope he can see this and honor his vows to make you feel loved, respected and protected.

A tricky one with the rocky patch you've had. Book yourself a meal with a male friend, i find men are more interested in women who are interested in themselves rather than women who are healthy in ways that need to feel safe and loved.
To all those women who say you can ck tell him, sure you can't but you absolutely should be able to communicate deep things and set boundaries if the period is rought atm. It's your relationship, you decide it. 20 year are a decent amount of time to be able how someone functions beyond words. Your gut is everything

How would that work, considering shes already played her hand and told him she feels uncomfortable with him going

Yea, all male colleagues, not one single male colleague on your own, totally different

Your husband has always been faithful and trustworthy. He has a sociable personality and has also told you you have nothing to worry about.
From what I've read, I think you should keep trusting him on this one and I hope he will continue to be reassuring. But equally don't ignore your instincts if they tell you somethings up. The only thing that is a little odd I would say is that this friendship seems quite sudden but that's not a reason to assume it's anything more than platonic. Keep an ear out for any mentionitis and above all keep communication open and insist on transparency.

Your feelings are important and he should not dismiss them. Tell him you are happy for him to meet her for a drink and you would be happier still if you went along, too, and perhaps you could all have lunch together.
His reaction to this suggestion should guide your response.

My husband went out for dinner and drinks with four women from his gym the other night. Probably looked like a pimp, but I trust him. It’s nice that other women feel safe and unthreatened around him. I used to regularly go for lunch with male colleagues before I became a SAHM, no biggie. He’s very sociable and basically a golden retriever and will befriend anyone.

You mentioned you’ve been feeling insecure a weird place lately, your reaction is probably down to that if you’ve had no reason to doubt your husband before.

Yes!

Obviously cheating. Divorce him immediately

There was a long thread last year very similar to this one, where the OP (woman, attached) was about to go out to dinner with an old friend (male, newly single, she didn't fancy him). One poster was adamant that it would be morally wrong and shameful, because they were bound to end up sliding under the tablecloth for a quick shag 😁