To distance myself from my best friend who is just as lovely and caring as ever?

Op, I would be careful about making hasty decisions. I am childfree. A few of my friends who have children become so wrapped up in motherhood that it became their whole identity, to the point that they were no longer even interested in their childfree friends because they just wanted to hang out with women they could talk to about mothering and kids. But there is a price to be paid for this because kids grow up and leave home. And it happens in the blink of an eye. From what I have observed this is a very traumatic experience for mothers because they virtually lose themselves in one fell swoop. Your friend seems to bring something valuable into your life and I would encourage you to nurture that, even if you don't see her as much as you used to. She is a way of holding onto a part of yourself. Being a mother can seem very grown up, but you still have a carefree young woman inside of you and I would urge you to bring her out to play sometimes.

Not read full thread but could you possibly tell her you’re going to be super-busy over Xmas and New Year with kid and family stuff so not to get offended if you don’t reply or respond promptly (or much)…then stop replying as much (or at all) and actually enjoy a mini-break from it. Hopefully she might get out of the habit of contacting you quite so much, but if not, at least, you can take the pressure off having to be constantly available. Happy Xmas xx

I think you're cutting off your nose to spite your face here! My best friend and I have very different lives - she never married or had kids (I have adult children now), but we've kept up the friendship from our mid-teens. Yes, she annoys me sometimes and I am sure I also piss her off sometimes - it's more like a familial relationship really as I know her family so well and she's like an aunt to my DC.
If we are in a bit of a funk with each other, then we'll just cut back on contact for a bit. I did have a weekend away with her and it was quite full on, so we didn't meet for a few weeks (we messaged) and we're back to normal again now.
I know my friend never likes the 'I'm so tired cos I'm a parent' trope (from me and others) - but it's still true. There's no exhaustion like being a parent of a baby or child that doesn't sleep for whatever reason - but I'd still brush it off as her being a bit put out you didn't meet up and her not really understanding the reason. You've been friends for too long to throw that away!

You don't have to maintain a friendship with anyone. And tbh, your friend deserves a genuine friendship, so if you can't give that any more, you're probably right to distance yourself from it. It might seem a bizarre choice to anyone outside of the relationship but ultimately you feel what you feel.

In the longer term, think it will probably be more of a loss to you than it will be to her.

I would also add that you are coming across slightly like you think your life is more important and your life choices are superior because you have a child and by default the things your friend cares about are pointless. I adore my children and I am very happy with my life decisions but I also know that my child free friends are just as important and their lives are just as meaningful! It might not be your intention but that is how it reads..

It sounds like you aren’t over the ‘classic parent’ dig about cancelling etc. and still hold a grudge/feel hurt by her. And now she has moved on and back to usual (lighthearted) business and you’re still not at peace with it.

Did you both air your issues and apologise to each other?

It feels as though she may be quite demanding, or that she’s constantly in touch because you always were and she doesn’t want that to change. It’s hard becoming a mum, there is a time when this small human is your world and you become a one-track person. I’d say she’s gone to huge effort to stay connected to you, but I can understand that you’re in totally different places. FWIW, I would have taken her message as a dig and I suspect it comes from a place of hurt that she’s lower priority to you than she once was.

I had a falling out with my best uni friend over email. We were not in regular contact like you but one particular email said something about ‘not being ready to ruin my life by having kids haha’ and I just didn’t reply. It’s a shame and I feel sad about it now because so much time has passed.

In a totally different vein, I had a friend I saw fairly regularly before kids and that dropped off completely after kids (she never had/wanted them). Some years later we became cycling buddies and just picked up where we left off.

so I think it’s fine to cool it off, but don’t be cruel about it as she’s clearly making an effort. If you do, I think you have to be ok with the fact that you might be sad about it in the future. If that’s not something you can cope with then try and keep it going somehow.

Maybe have a discussion with her about the messaging in a few weeks. Don’t act in haste and do anything to spoil or end the friendship - you might regret it.

Children don’t remain all-consuming for very long, and I bet your feelings won’t either. My children are mid teenage now, and as they’re finding their independence and planning their future, I’m regretting a few friendships that I let slide because I was so consumed with my children. I wish I’d made more of an effort because now I really miss them.

By your description, your friend is lovely, and you’ve been friends for a long time. Don’t throw it away because you’re feeling a bit meh.

Friendships come and go. But, i will say, the older you get the harder it gets to meet people and build meaningful friendships that go beyond whatever brings you together, hobby, school run etc.
I’d be cautious of throwing a good mate away without good reason.

I agree with many others - don't lose a good friend over minor irritations. Yes, her messaging is too much but you admit she's a lovely, kind person.
It seems that your only real problem with her now is the annoying messaging. The argument and issue with the other friend seem to be no big deal. So deal with the messages rather than throwing away a good friend. I have a couple of friends who message all day and I just respond every couple of days (but I respond warmly so they know I still love them!). They understand I'm busy and they don't expect immediate responses. You just need to explain that your life's hectic and your child needs a lot of attention so you'll respond less frequently. She'll get used to it in no time.
I see so many people on Mumsnet who are lonely and don't have friends. It seems mad to throw away a long-term friendship over this.
Now your life is 100% your child, trips to the park and soft play etc. However, in the blink of an eye you'll have a pre-teen who finds you annoying and boring and doesn't want to hang out with you! I've recently been through this and it's tough! I'm so grateful I have maintained my friendships otherwise I'd be pretty lonely now my kids have their own lives.

^^Having said all that, there's nothing wrong with taking a step back. But it sounds like you'd rather she just wasn't contacting you at all, which is sad.

I think you’re just in a different place right now. I am similar- have kids, my friends who don’t I still live, but worrying about what they are wearing or nail polish when I have little lives to be responsible for has changed everything. I love them dearly but I’ve no time for filler conversations anymore - unless I’m out with them and no kids!

How did the argument get resolved? Because to me it sounds like you are still a bit resentful? Did youproperly get past it?

I also think it's perfectly reasonable to remain really good friends with her but to step back slightly from non-stop contact. So if she texts you whie you're at the park with your DC, you don't actually have to respond. Then text her later saying, "sorry, was at the park - I like the red nails better!"

God, I was thinking the exact opposite.

I love being a mum, but I'm not just a mum. I still like food, and doing my nails, and having "frivolous" conversations about new dresses and cocktails and what have you.

Your life doesn't have more meaning than hers because you now have a child. I would actually say, you're running the risk of becoming a complete mummy-bore, with no outside interests or friends as your child gets older and you have more free time.

She came over yesterday, brought a present for my toddler, and we had pizzas. It was fun (on paper, anyway). We talked non-stop, nothing awkward or strained, but I just didn’t enjoy it the way I used to. I wasn’t that interested in the conversation, even though it flowed fine.

It sounds like a foregone conclusion. I think you need to have a serious think about what you weren't enjoying, or if you've just got yourself into a rut of thinking that any time not focused on your kid is time wasted.

Of course I could be wrong, but you don't mention your husband or any other friends other than "I'm married", everything is about your kid.

I'm not a total introvert but I'd find that level of communication exhausting, especially over very mundane things. If it's daily multiple times she's texting you pointless information many people would find that excessive. Would it be possible for you to tell your friend, politely, that due to having children and a busy tiring life you don't have time to talk as frequently as you used to? Maybe it's not your friend herself, just the sheer volume of communication. Tell her your trying to spend less time on your phone to focus on your kids? Something like that

I think it's one of those things you're on different paths even more so now your child is growing up. You're really not interested in her, tbf, inane chatter but she makes the effort with your child. She has more time than you now so nothing is really changing for her. It's life, it happens a lot.

You just don't like her very much. You're friends because you feel you ought to be, not because you have anything in common or enjoy each other's company. Everything you've said about her makes it very obvious that you find her irritating and grating and are very different people. You've clearly grown apart.

Ultimately, you've changed. She hasn't. That isn't your fault or her fault, it's just how it is. Nobody is right or wrong.

That level of contact sounds suffocating especially because its mostly mundane

You sound quite condescending to be honest. Now that you’ve had a child, you understand what’s really important in life and she’s just some silly girl who talks about trifling things.

She may waste your precious time talking about things that are beneath you but it sounds like she also makes effort to connect with your and your child. You’d be equally annoyed if she wasn’t doing that.

The staying in contact with someone you don’t like is you looking for a reason to place your new dislike of her.

If you don’t want to waste your time with her, set boundaries and don’t leave her chasing you.
But equally don’t expect her to be ready and waiting to swoop back in when you find other people don’t have time for you because their time is too important to waste on you or because you’ve made no effort to keep any other friendships up.

It sounds to me like you’re currently getting all the fulfilment you need from being a mother to your toddler.

I felt so content in those years when my son was a toddler. Honestly nothing was as important - my world revolved around him. I felt that this is what I’m here for.

Here is the word of warning … it’s very easy when your children are little to allow your world to get smaller and smaller. You may initially feel happy with this, because you are already full on an emotional level. There’s nothing quite like that overwhelming outpouring of love for your child.

I was reasonably young when I had my boy. For the first 8-10 years, it was heavenly. Never felt love like it. I was his world, and I was so happy with that.

Now he’s growing up. He’s a teenager with his own concerns and goals in life. He’s looking more like a man every single day. I’m no longer his world. He expresses love for me, and he is thoughtful and caring and unbelievably wonderful (bar the occasional teenage grump), but I’m not the centre of his universe, and that’s how it should be.

This sounds sad, but it isn’t. I look back on the days of my boy being small, and feel warm and nostalgic, but I don’t mourn the fact those days are gone, because he’s now this wonderful new person. It’s just my world now is so, so different to what it was even just a few years ago. I don’t think I had really anticipated what it would be like. The teenage years felt so far off in the future, yet they arrived in a flash.

I think the fact you’re feeling this way about your friend is entirely normal; instinctive even. It’s a natural response of a mother who wants to remove what feels unnecessary and shallow so that you can focus your emotional energy where it really matters, right now.

But I do think you might deeply regret letting go of this friendship in the future. Those sorts of silly, frivolous, idle chit-chats/messages you don’t have time for right now will come into their own again. I can tell you it’s those messages from my friend that keep me feeling cheerful and connected, knowing I can turn to her for anything. I have a partner, but for me at least, there’s nothing that matches the support of a close female friend.

I think you are just emotionally at capacity right now, hence the fact you’re feeling this way (I really do recognise this feeling you’re talking about), but my recommendation would be to keep that friendship going. It’s precious.

Can she be my friend? She sounds lovely. Especially as you said , she doesn’t want children herself but is making a massive effort with yours anyway…

@useran you obviously think the life she’s living & enjoying is pointless while yours now has meaning & purpose. Let her go so she can find genuine, caring friends.

I’d be very careful about losing a friendship this precious. So many people would really love to have it.

Having said that, I’ve felt like you about friends who on paper are caring but I don’t really feel they give a proper stuff about me. So I let it drift. I felt the same as you do. its happened to me recently that an old and very dear friend just didn’t make me feel she cared as much about me as I did about her. And I was gently letting it go - felt myself detaching - but she’s shown some interest in me again and I feel my bond towards her warming up again…. So clearly friendships are complicated and you can’t WILL a feeling into being.

Maybe you just need to dial it back a bit and she'll take the hint? You're both still important to each other but you have a lot more plates to juggle and once you become a mum time is so precious you don't want to waste it on trivial things like seeking a friend's nails or help decide what to eat from the fridge