Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

Oh and dp was working 12 hour night shifts 5 or 6 days a week and on his day(s) off would help me clean the house!
Making up for how he was after DC1 tbf

He's a fucking prick. At 4 weeks pp ebf with newborn and toddler my house was a TIP and the only person I made any effort to clean it up for was the health visitor (my children were clean, fed and had clean clothes btw!!!!!)

If he isn't happy he needs to do it himself

It’s probably a good thing I’m not married as I would very quickly become very bored with the idea that I existed only to clean the house 😕

We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

Wow. To his wife who just gave birth 4 weeks ago? What a nasty twat.

He is massively resentful of you. For comparison my dh has never in 20 years of marriage made such comments and I'm a SAHM who's dc's are teenagers and 20-somethings now, so plenty of spare time. He doesn't give a rats arse if the house is tidy as long as I'm happy.

Coz he's a nice person.

How rude of him . . .

I had about an easy a recovery from c section as you can get, an easy breastfeeding journey etc - was up about about going out daily with baby and toddler, all great.

I say this because despite having a relatively 'easy ride', I STILL think he's being a complete and utter inconsiderate selfish dick. That's how much of a dick he's being.

It's maternity leave not housekeeper leave.

I'm glad you went to the market, that's the sort of fun thing which you should do during maternity leave, not scrubbing toilets.

I'd be so raging at 'have a productive day'.

Bet you he’ll be expecting sex the minute that 6 weeks is up if not before as well….

absolutely disgusting misogynist waste of space of a man. I’m so sorry OP he sounds despicable.

He had made comments about the baby not liking him

Even more of a twat than I first thought.
4 WEEKS in from major abdominal surgery? FFS.

Also, DH's getting praised for doing a bit of adhoc manly DIY? with a new baby and 4 year old in the house? - as if that is so much more important than regularly loading the dishwasher or putting stuff away.

Perish the thought that you should enjoy a Christmassy day out with your 4 year old, giving them a bit of much needed attention.. No! you should be spraying the oven with Mr Muscle and wiping down the skirting boards so that your DH can have the immaculate dream house to do DIY in.

Sorry for being so sarcastic about your DH, but his attitude stinks and he needs to pull his socks up. It sounds like the kind of crap my MIL used to say to me with newborns. Any effort never enough and said in front of DH to try to influence him. I wish, looking back, I'd stood up for myself better instead of trying to keep the peace.
It sounds like you are sensibly doing a very good job putting your baby and 4 year old needs first and foremost.

100% this. I have a 6 month and 4 year old.

Husband came home on Tuesday to house an absolute tip. He never said a word, just got stuck into cleaning. He always does. Your husband is being abusive to you. And what's with him not wanting you to have fun?!

I share the anger 🤬 with posters here, however,
my Grandmother was physically working hard after giving birth, after returning from hospital being cured from hepatitis.. promptly to be taken back.
She survived and lived until ripe age of 94. Also kicked my Grandad out eventually.
Feel shitty now, because it took me 45 years to realise I should have told her how much I admired her.
Ugh, good old times.
OP, honestly, tell him to clean up himself to his standard and fuck the hell off.

He needs to fuck right off.

I think we are both exhausted and the transition of 1-2 has been hard on us both but possibly more so on him if he is struggling to bond with our newest family member.

He's not having it harder than you. He's not lugging a hoover round shortly after major abdominal surgery, risking his recovery and also sustaining a newborn baby. He's just sulking about the baby not liking him (none of us like him either, maybe baby is a good judge of character) and criticising you for not working hard enough when you should be resting.

If my husband came home from work and the house was in a state he was happy cause he knew my main focus had been the kids. I remember the health visitor also pointing out that they rather see a messy house at home visits as it means the kids are being cared for

Utter arsehole but you know that

Enjoy your baby! You know what’s best for you and how much you can do. Repeat: “I’m doing what I’m able to, but I just had a baby, and I will be caring for us both ahead of doing any cleaning.”

@LaurenOX yes, you love your dh and he does his share in the home etc.

My dsis said the same as I sat and watched her dh belittle her with words.
She worshipped her dh.
He shopped, he cleaned and he worked a stressful job.
However he really thought that if he could do it then she should too. My dsis is a very disorganised person and eventually living with some one who was disappointed with her every single day became too much, after 15 years she left.

Your dh sounds just like my ex bil.
Tell him that you’re a team and your role atm is to keep 2 dc alive and safe.
Anything else is a bonus.

He’s main concern should be that you have enough energy to care for your children and yourself. My husband didn’t expect me to do any housework when I was at home with two little once and breastfeeding on demand. He doesn’t have a clue how much energy that takes. Drop your standards at home and enjoy your kids

28 days after major surgery, breast feeding a baby, another child to care for and he expects a tidy house!! I’m raging on your behalf and if he were my son I’d be wiping the floor with him.
He wants tidiness, he tidies.

What a prick. Don’t even dignify that shit with a response.

He cares more about the state of the house than he does about you. That's not ok.

I’m 9 months postpartum and only have one child and I’m completely outraged on your behalf. He is being SO unreasonable.

My husband is similar to yours in that he hates clutter. I know having toys/baby equipment etc around the house all the time has been an adjustment for him, and I also like a tidy house so I try to tidy things as I go but this is not always possible. My husband has NEVER ONCE told me to tidy up or that I should be doing more when he’s at work, even when he’s walked into a bombsite.

If he’s overwhelmed by clutter he puts stuff away when he gets in from work without complaint, because he knows it’s there because the baby’s been playing, or I’ve been using it and haven’t had a chance to put it away. Your husband should do the same!

You have had major abdominal surgery and shouldn't be lifting anything heavier than you baby for up to 6 weeks! I know people minimise c sections as the 'easy' way out but if you see how many layers they cut through and what those layers consist of ...........
Your husband is an inconsiderate arsehole and YANBU!

No man who leaves his 4 week post c-section wife with the words "have a productive day" is amazing. That man is just pissed off that his domestic machine seems to be malfunctioning from his carefully programmed routine.

My friend's husband was a bit like this until she went away for a weekend for a friend's wedding leaving him with a 5 month old. That shut him up big time as he suddenly realised there was no real down time being on your own with a little one. Looking after two is at least double the trouble.

Oh and like everyone else says, you shouldn't be hoovering and washing that soon after a c section.

Mine would be getting a fridge/freezer full of expressed milk to see how productive he can be while I went and rested at a spa for the weekend.

This. Looking after babies.toddlers is full on, let alone 4 weeks after cs. Your husband is being extremely unfair and I hope you are able to have a frank discussion . What is worrying is that he seems to lack any insight into the full on, exhausting schedule that you have. You absolutely should not feel any pressure to be engaging in housework to keep him happy, that will put you under enormous pressure. When I was at home with a baby, I was lucky to get a cup of hot tea, let alone anything else

I'd be so angry, I think I'd go on strike apart from looking after the kids! You're still recovering from the birth 4 weeks PP! Tell him if he doesn't like the mess, he can bloody tidy it up!