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Original poster

Is husband expecting too much 4 months PP or AIBU

264 replies

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

OP posts:
oatmilk4breakfast · 19/12/2024 11:24

And you have every right to go out and get fresh air and take your toddler to fun places. That's the point! You're doing what a good mother does. I'm so angry on your behalf. Don't tolerate it. "You seem angry with me for doing what it takes to keep our baby and myself alive and healthy"

pointythings · 19/12/2024 11:24

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

It doesn't matter that he does things. You are 4 weeks pp, so he needs to either drop his standards, pay for a cleaner, or do it himself. Time to lay down the law.

CowGirl19 · 19/12/2024 11:24

You had major abdominal surgery 4 WEEKS ago. Let alone the demands of a newborn baby.
Be kind to yourself OP
Your husband needs to seriously adjust his expectations.

climb12sides · 19/12/2024 11:23

It doesn't matter if he does a fair amount around the house, you are recovering from abdominal surgery and are not even allowed to drive - why the hell does he think that housework is an acceptable activity to be doing? You should be doing less than you are, you're risking doing yourself permanent damage

Maray1967 · 19/12/2024 11:22

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/12/2024 11:14

Your husband is being an arsehole.

Yes, this sums it up well. I can’t imagine my DH saying ‘have a productive day’. But if he did, I’d spend some time while bf baby considering our future. As a practical step, he would find his laundry left in the basket. And he would be told that if he ever says anything like that to me again, it will go in the bin. You need to find your voice now and give him hell.

Marblesbackagain · 19/12/2024 11:22

In Irish law there's a period of time where murder isn't possible because you are deemed as 'unbalanced' just saying.....

TheSmallAssassin · 19/12/2024 11:22

The "fair share" when you are four weeks post partum should be tipped much further in his direction!

FrenchandSaunders · 19/12/2024 11:21

I'd be very hurt OP. Have a proper conversation with him this evening. It may be that you're both tired and stressed with a newborn, if it's out of character.

oatmilk4breakfast · 19/12/2024 11:21

He's jealous of you. He thinks your place is to make his home life easier. He is resentful of the fact that you 'get to go to the fair' (Christmas market). He seems to have no appreciation of what it feels like to give birth and have a huge surgical wound to recover from. In short, he's being a dickhead. I would take my kids and go and stay with my mum if my husband started being this nasty. Sorry.

WinterPine · 19/12/2024 11:21

Irrelevant 4 weeks or 4 months he's being awful to you! Was he like this with your first?!

FrenchandSaunders · 19/12/2024 11:20

Have a productive day 😡
Wow! I'd love to see how much he gets done with a newborn attached to him and a toddler. Sweet FA.

Original poster
LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:20

I worry I’ve made him out to sound like he doesn’t do anything which is far from the case!

He does his fair share of house work, he does all DIY he does have a stressful job which takes up some evenings of his time but he is still very much a hands on dad who is idolised by our eldest. This wasn’t to shame him for not doing anything because that is far from the truth, it was to find out if I was being unreasonable to be hurt by his behaviour.

OP posts:
pointythings · 19/12/2024 11:20

Rip him a new one. He is a complete arsehole.

PoppyFleur · 19/12/2024 11:20

Your husband is a bloody disgrace. Shame on him, he needs to give his head a firm wobble.

You are just 4 weeks pp, you are doing magnificently. Your job is to keep baby thriving and recover from birth. A conversation is needed to set expectations going forward, don’t let this carry on unaddressed otherwise it could cast a dark shadow over your first months with your baby that you may struggle to forgive and move on from.

Nothatgingerpirate · 19/12/2024 11:19

Apart from his attitude in given circumstances being appalling, I would actually prefer if my husband was like this.
OCD speaking, probably.
Not on in the OP's situation.

TheSmallAssassin · 19/12/2024 11:18

Tell him you are not prepared to do any more than you are doing at the moment (you should be doing less!) because you are recovering from an operation and have a tiny baby to look after. It's not a debate, what's he going to do if you say you "no more"?

Wordau · 19/12/2024 11:17

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 11:07

Sorry, I typed moths instead of weeks 🙈

I am 4 weeks PP.

4 months would still be outrageous, FYI

But 4 weeks... I'm speechless

Wordau · 19/12/2024 11:16

Your husband is a misogynistic twat

Who did the housework when you were both working pre kids?

StrawberryWater · 19/12/2024 11:15

He's a bell end.

If it bothers him so much he can do it in the evenings or on the weekend.

Frogsparkler · 19/12/2024 11:15

LaurenOX · 19/12/2024 10:59

Gave birth to our second son 4 weeks ago via c section. First son has just turned 4. Husband is back in work (wfh 1 day a week).

Last night husband took off on me for the house being “untidy”. To give context, husband hates clutter and his definition of untidy is things being left around the house (shoes by the door, parcels being left on the island, a chopping board in the sink and eldest son’s toys left out). Despite the clutter, the bathrooms had been cleaned and the floors hoovered/mopped and a duster had been thrown around. A wash load had been dried and put away with another wash just finished. I explained that the only time I had to do any housework was 2 hours in the afternoon due to taking my son to a play group he attends weekly and having to get the bus due to not being able to drive. Husband still accused me of not doing enough around the house.

I am EBF and son feeds every 2-3 hours all day/night. Of an evening he cluster feeds from about 8 until 12. Husband has been sleeping in with my eldest son who can still wake in the night but certainly not to the extent of our newborn. He may wake 1 or 2 times and will fall straight back asleep after some reassurance. Husband has taken on responsibilities for eldest son, he does bath time of an evening and gets him ready of a morning for pre-school (jobs which I used to do before baby’s arrival) I told my husband I appreciate he is doing more, but I am exhausted I have a baby on my boob constantly and he is being unreasonable to expect any more from me this early on. He suggested that I’m never too exhausted to do any of the fun things (I went the Christmas market with my son and my friend and her son one afternoon this week). We went to bed on an argument and this morning the last thing he said before leaving for work was “have a productive day”.

So question is, is he being an inconsiderate A* AIBU to think he is being wholly unreasonable?

I don’t even know where to start with this. Your husband is an arse.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 19/12/2024 11:14

Your husband is being an arsehole.

DaringLion · 19/12/2024 11:13

Tell him to do it himself if it bothers him so much .

PonyPatter44 · 19/12/2024 11:11

What an appalling man. Seriously, who on earth does he think he is? Is he always so horrible or has he recently had a bang on the head or something? Because this is a disgusting way to behave towards your wife who is 4 weeks PP.

Notthebeard · 19/12/2024 11:11

He sounds awful. His attitude stinks. You are doing far more than I did at 4 weeks postpartum!!

Viviennemary · 19/12/2024 11:10

Hes being awful. Of course it's difficult with a new baby. Tell him to pay for a cleaner if he isn't pleased or roll up his sleeves and do it himself.

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