Is my husband disrespecting me?

This guy is living in the 1920s

Yes it is an over simplification but my point was it they are married assets and income are joint regardless of his attitude. But as I said I think she needs to get a job so she can plan an exit out for herself her child as he is an arsehole.

Yeah, this.

Deep down he feels inferior to you and he gets kicks out of controlling you.

Get back to work OP. Don’t ask for his permission, just do it and tell him he has to pay 50/50 for a child minder. Paying for childcare should not be your responsibility alone.
His career and pension are advancing because he has you looking after his kids.
Aim to dump him and claim half his asserts. He sounds awful and it won’t get any better.

He is a gold digger - using your unpaid labour to enable him to get paid.

I don’t think I would be wanting to buy a home with him. In my situation, I am the ‘breadwinner’ and the one with far better finances as my other half is terrible with money so we also don’t have any joint finances. My name is the only one on the mortgage at the moment and other finance agreements for the house, however we jointly agreed what house to buy and what to do in regards to renovating and decorating it because it’s his home too. His opinions don’t overrule mine even though I’m more willing to compromise than him but that’s just my nature but he does think over things and doesn’t make me have things his way just because he’s the man.

Is he Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen or something?

Yes he is disrespecting you and IMO the women usually get the final say about decor etc. Because most men just do not care about those things.

He's an arse love.

Do you walk 5 paces behind him as well?

You need to get a job and start looking to LTB.

She has HER taste, not his. Who's to say HIS taste is good?

However a PhD clearly means she doesn't make good choices in partner (imo)

You knew all this BEFORE you moved in with him and yet you moved in with him and NOW you're surprised he's a total cunt?

I’m a sahm but there is absolutely no way I would do this if my dh treated me like this. Mutual respect is absolutely crucial. It can work brilliantly but it needs to be a partnership of equals.

Obviously all relationships should ideally be a partnership of equals. But life isn’t always ideal. In the 21st century you have the opportunity to safeguard yourself, earn independently and keep your options open. Being a sahm puts your financial future at risk, and that of your dc. Think very carefully op.

A thousand upvotes.

Having a PhD doesn't necessarily mean you have good taste or any common sense. Just saying......

JFC. Marriage is one pot. You're a team. He's bringing in the money and you carried, birthed, and are raising the children. Present him with an itemised bill with exactly what it would have cost him to do IVF with a surrogate times the number of children you have, and how much it would cost for 24-hour childcare, a chef, a cleaning service, and an admin assistant. Absolute arsehole. Who are these men who think that the money they earn when they have a SAHM and kids ISN'T all in the marital pot??

At best, he's not a team with you. At worst, he has the same mindset as an abusive man, which is that women are inferior to him.

I'm a sahm too...also with far more education than my husband. We made this decision as we earned similar and tbh I have far greater patience with the kids and ability domestically, in terms of organising & managing finances etc. We have equal access to finances, I spend what I like (not a spend thrift), make most of the family decisions and just run it by my hubby for consensus. He thanks me frequently for being the glue that holds everything together allowing him the freedom to grow his career (a couple of years from management); whilst having a happy and nurtured well run home home.

Without this sharing, complete trust, appreciation for the sacrifices I have made for the greater family good in terms of my own career; I would be deeply unhappy and it would be over between us. Your husband sounds very controlling and demeaning; your career is gone for now (and any development you may of benefitted from in this time) and he is deriding your choices in even the most basic of things. When you compare who you were before being a sahm I suspect you don't recognise yourself...and I think a lot of that is the probably the way hubby treats you. Whilst I feel a big part of me has diminished to support hubby and kids in the years I am a sahm; I am appreciated and elevated at every turn and know as my kids grow...I will grow into my independence and Career again; as the old me is still there; just prioritising others currently in all things. I wonder if you feel that way? And if you don't you are not getting what you need.

I have a couple of friends that are in similar set ups to you and are talking separation. I think you need to tell your husband how it is and your not willing to accept it any longer. Without addressing this you will over time loose parts of yourself or leave him...or both. If you want to save both you need to be honest with him and tell him he has to change and set boundaries. Good luck OP 🍀 ❤️

HRTFT but he's a disrespectful prick. Show him this thread, then leave.

I don’t know how old your children are, but if there’s any way possible, then go back to work asap. I’m not suggesting you LTB now, but one day you might find yourself in that position, and you will need your ducks in a row.
Trust me, I wish that I had taken note of similar incidents.

He sounds controlling and dismissive. I wouldn't expect him to have your best interests in the relationship or out of it.

If you havnt already I'd be looking at ways of making and saving your own money in case you need it when you decide you want to walk away from this.

He's putting you down because secretly he knows he's inferior to you, so he's trying to diminish you and make you doubt yourself. Lots of men do this to smart women. I left my ex husband for being like this. I would think seriously about whether you want a relationship with a man who constantly belittles you.

Urgh. Presumably you’ve agreed together that you should be a stay at home mum? Remind him on a regular basis of how much you are saving the family on childcare. This isn’t a partnership and unless he has a major attitude adjustment I’d be out the door.

Just re read your opening post. You had red flags waving madly before you even moved in.

My H has some fairly (in my opinion) awful bits of furniture but there's no way I would have made him chuck them out when we moved in together as he liked them a lot

Half of what?
There's no guarantee of anyone being awarded half of anything. That's a huge oversimplification.
Women shouldn't assume this is how it will work.

I just find it so sad that we are nearly in 2025, and there are still so many men, who seem to think that their wives, girlfriends, mothers and sisters are somehow lesser beings, not worthy of their respect or even politeness.
That old word chattel seems to sum up how these men perceive the women in their lives, and it does make me angry. For some it is almost as if their mindset is set way back in Victorian times, when women counted for very little.
Apologies, rant over.

I'd start looking for a job. This doesn't sound like a healthy person to be reliant on.

Find a job and start planning your route out of there.

If hes like that about his money now it will be worsr when you split

Unfortunately hugely imbalanced earnings can create these power dynamics. And they are made worse if the person with the cash /power exploits their position

Sexist, misogynist prick. Dump him, he won't change.

He sounds narcissistic.