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AIBU?

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Original poster

It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

268 replies

Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 09:07

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

OP posts:
Kitkat1523 · 19/12/2024 10:14

Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 10:03

I don't want to break off contact as that would affect my contact with the rest of the family on that side, and, she is still my mother.
I just wanted to reconcile my feelings. I was feeling guilty for upsetting her yesterday and feeling selfish for saying anything. It was stupid of me to have reacted to her (unrelated) comment, but here we are and I now have a lot of fall out to deal with.
But genuinely, thank you all for taking the time to comment, it is really helpful to hear that I'm not alone in feeling hurt by the emotional implications of something like this.

But, for the people going off on one because I used the term "step" instead of "half". I'm tired. I haven't slept. I'm upset. There's a hell of a lot else going on in my life right now. We just refer to each other as sisters or brothers, never step, or half, or anything else. I was thinking about the relationship of my father to his step children and my step father to me, and honestly, does it matter? Your comments don't bother me, but in future, to someone else, that sort of dig really might matter to someone vulnerable. Be kind.

You mother sounds like a cunt….I would walk away now…..and if other family members are off with you because of this…then fuck them too….what are you teaching your child here? You gotta start respecting yourself

Lemonadeand · 19/12/2024 10:14

Let me guess, it’s your mother who has told you you’re over sensitive?

Petrasings · 19/12/2024 10:13

Why would you imagine you are over sensitive? If anything you are under reacting. It is so deeply hurtful and abusive to treat you effectively like a second class citizen in your own family. Why did she allow your half siblings to other you in your own home? Honestly it’s horrible and damaging.

Did she run out of money and couldn’t afford private school for your siblings? Or did they have to live in poverty? Not that it makes a difference as that is not your fault as a child, but she might be transferring guilt.

Don’t go at Christmas- choose something else. It’s going to be awful and your dc deserve better. YOU deserve much better
Book something special and tell them there is a change of plan.

Wheresthebeach · 19/12/2024 10:12

Sorry OP your Mum sounds terribly emotionally abusive.

Time to rethink the level of contact you have. If I were you I'd be going out and getting everything needed for a lovely Christmas dinner, and ignore your mother.

Sceptical123 · 19/12/2024 10:12

Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 09:20

The step siblings are my mother's children also, to clarify

But are they your dads step children? (Your mums from a previous relationship) And if so how are you the firstborn?

thepariscrimefiles · 19/12/2024 10:10

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People mix up step and half siblings on here all the time. It doesn't matter. I assume that you are saying that OP deserves this awful treatment from her own mum because, in your opinion, she doesn't recognise her mum's children with her step-dad as her siblings.

Yalta · 19/12/2024 10:08

Wish I lived in Scotland

My mother was never going to leave me anything, learned that at an early age. Her sisters meant more to her than me as she had known them longer and their children always got preferential treatment. My father who I found out had died 10 years ago left no will but his brother said he didn’t have any children and took what ever his estate was worth.
The issue was that despite having a very distinctive colour hair ( the same colour as my gm on my fathers side) I was always told I was not part of their family

I have watched on as people have taken so much from me and there isn’t anything I can do about it

thepariscrimefiles · 19/12/2024 10:06

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Yeah, that's the point of the thread. What an unnecessary and unhelpful comment.

LindorDoubleChoc · 19/12/2024 10:04

My father never said anything as hurtful to me as your mother has (she's clearly a very bitter and cruel woman) but when my father and step mother cut me out of their wills (so that all the estate will go to my half siblings) it absolutely destroyed any relationship I had with them. My step mother is still alive and I barely speak to her. So a big fat YANBU from me op Flowers.

Original poster
Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 10:03

I don't want to break off contact as that would affect my contact with the rest of the family on that side, and, she is still my mother.
I just wanted to reconcile my feelings. I was feeling guilty for upsetting her yesterday and feeling selfish for saying anything. It was stupid of me to have reacted to her (unrelated) comment, but here we are and I now have a lot of fall out to deal with.
But genuinely, thank you all for taking the time to comment, it is really helpful to hear that I'm not alone in feeling hurt by the emotional implications of something like this.

But, for the people going off on one because I used the term "step" instead of "half". I'm tired. I haven't slept. I'm upset. There's a hell of a lot else going on in my life right now. We just refer to each other as sisters or brothers, never step, or half, or anything else. I was thinking about the relationship of my father to his step children and my step father to me, and honestly, does it matter? Your comments don't bother me, but in future, to someone else, that sort of dig really might matter to someone vulnerable. Be kind.

OP posts:
Flossflower · 19/12/2024 10:01

YANBU.
Every parent should leave to all their children in equal shares. This is terrible of your mother. If she doesn’t consider you her child, you shouldn’t consider her your mother.

CiderJabs · 19/12/2024 10:00

Your mother is a bitch. Just like mine. The best advice I can give you is to cut contact. You can't argue with people like that. She will continue to hurt you and reject you for as long as you let her. If you don't need the money anyway, walk away and be happy. I've cut contact with mine 6 years ago and have never regretted it.
It sucks.

user1492757084 · 19/12/2024 09:58

kiwiane · 19/12/2024 09:44

Maybe your attitude to your siblings is off? They’re related to you through your mother - it would be complicated to inherit anyway with your step-dad in the picture.
She’s right you are in line to inherit from your father and you’ve said yourself that you’re independent so try to let it go. Build relationships now without a view as to what you’ll gain financially from them.

This.
Just get on with your life and don't waste any time dwelling on things you can never control.
Sad for you but it seems that you are not surprised about how your mother reacts. Hope you take after your father.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 19/12/2024 09:57

Deeply hurtful. Deeply.

Grammarnut · 19/12/2024 09:56

Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 09:07

Or am I being unreasonable for feeling a bit hurt?
I feel like it is saying you aren't my daughter anymore, though this is about the billionth way this has been said over the years.
According to my mother, my father "should have got nothing" when they divorced as he did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my mother went back to work, "and I paid your school fees", so why should I inherit anything from her?
I'm not bothered about the financial side of things and don't expect anything from my mother or anyone else and I never have, I'm fiercely independent, but I do get hurt by rejection.
I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.
I'm genuinely interested to know what is normally done in situations like this. Am I just being oversensitive? I know I am very sensitive to rejection and easily hurt by it.

I wouldn't expect anything in a will from a step-parent. Why does this affect what you inherit? Your mother is being obnoxious btw. What would be the reaction by MNetters if a man had said: she did "f-all" and stayed at home with me after I was born when my father went back to work, "? Bloody Hell.
To answer your question, I don't think there is a 'normal'. In the UK you can leave your estate to whomsoever you wish - children do not inherit as of right (unless parent is instestate) unless there is a trust or an entail set up to have that happen.
NB Not sure what you mean by step-siblings, now I read a second time? Are these your half-siblings or are they the DC of your DM's new partner (there is a difference)?

CatalinaLoo · 19/12/2024 09:56

Your mum and half sibling sound terrible. Be thankful you have an excuse to have Christmas away from them! Do you have your own family? If so, you have plenty of time to organise your own Christmas. Head to M&S today and get your own turkey and all the treats you can buy, and enjoy Christmas in your own home with your loved ones, a nice Christmas movie and a glass of champs or three.

Heronwatcher · 19/12/2024 09:56

I can see a shred of logic here to be fair. Her logic is that you will be well provided for by your father, whose money she believes (rightly or wrongly) she contributed to, and therefore she’s making up for that by prioritising her other children in her own will. I have known this play out myself with friends. Obviously this is partly because she feels like she was screwed over in the divorce and you can’t completely understand what happened there. Perhaps if your father remarried and changed his will to include new children she’d change hers, but as that hasn’t happened it’s probably not worth speculating.

I think it sounds as though if you want any sort of relationship with your mum you need to avoid all discussions of money/ divorce and just focus on how you are as people, e.g is she supportive, interested, helpful in other areas. If she isn’t then take a step back but if your relationship is good otherwise I think I’d just try not to take it personally and move forward.

BarbaraHoward · 19/12/2024 09:54

I could understand it if your father's estate was worth millions and your mum's not much - in that case, a third of your mother's state would make little difference to you, but getting half rather than a third may make a difference to your younger siblings. I wouldn't do it, but I could understand the logic.

It doesn't sound like that's the case though. She sounds awful OP, time to back away and protect yourself a little. Flowers

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 19/12/2024 09:52

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Totally missing the point of the thread...OP has already addressed this!

OP I would honestly go no contact, your mother sounds awful and she is intentially trying to hurt your feelings because she feels bitter towards your father...strange!

SharpOpalNewt · 19/12/2024 09:52

BMW6 · 19/12/2024 09:42

Necessary????

Show quote history

Why does that remotely matter?

heldinadream · 19/12/2024 09:51

Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 09:45

We does include my kid yes, who is looking forward to it.

Show quote history

Tricky then. Do you have a DP coming too? How long is it for, if it's just a night maybe you can hack it. If it's longer could you reasonably plausibly cut it to a single night so your DC at least gets some expectations met?

But then after toss the lot of them. You don't need them, you really don't. Your mother is awful, for whatever twisted reason, you don't have to pander to her, her mental state is her own responsibility and yours is yours, end the chain of dysfunction as soon as you can.
Sending hugs and Flowers

Original poster
Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 09:50

SunshineOceanAndOranges · 19/12/2024 09:44

So sorry for you OP. It's much more than being disinherited; it's about being disowned. I cannot imagine my parents doing that to me or me doing that to any of my children. It seems she has focused all her bitterness and resentment on you. It's not on you. Perhaps you could write a short letter to her just stating that whether she likes it or not you are her daughter and that you are willing to keep the bond between you alive but will not be in contact until she has addressed her issues and apologised to you. What is your relationship like with your siblings? I'm guessing probably not that close considering your mum's behaviour...

Siblings are quite a bit younger. One was still very little when I left for uni. The other one has always been very against me. I spent half my time at my father's, but when I was at my mother's, the older one used to say "you shouldn't be here, this isn't your home, you aren't part of this family etc" and used to trash my stuff / school work etc if they could. They aren't particularly close still, but they are a typical family unit and I wasn't a part of that.

OP posts:
booisbooming · 19/12/2024 09:50

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state of this website sometimes ffs

venus7 · 19/12/2024 09:50

Eatcabbage · 19/12/2024 09:20

The step siblings are my mother's children also, to clarify

They are not step siblings then, but half siblings.

RadioCountdown · 19/12/2024 09:50

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Jesus Christ. This is an OP hurting from rejection by her mother. Go away!!! It’s easy to type the wrong thing. If you think this is a sign that the post isn’t real then report it but in the meantime let’s assume it’s someone hurting and provide support - or just find a different thread to post on.