It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

Yes, that makes sense and is what most people I know who have half siblings do. I’m not saying it’s not a mistake someone could make, just that it’s not a typo. It’s a mix-up of terms or a mistake etc, but a typo is when you make a typing error by pressing the wrong key, omitting a key or getting letters the wrong way around. Typing the wrong word is not a typing error ergo it’s not a typo. Thats all I was trying to say, although I admit I am probably focusing on the wrong thing on the thread, I have autism and find it difficult when people say something is something it’s not. Your error wasn’t a typo but I accept it’s probably not important in the context of the thread so sorry if it was upsetting, that wasn’t my intention.

Did your mother have these children after your mother and father split?

I'm sorry to hear this. What a difficult upsetting situation. It sounds like your mother and her subsequent children and family have crafted a scapegoat dynamic for you so that you don't belong in this new family and she is punishing you for being your father's child. It must really hurt.

My dc has a similar issue with stbxh whose family are doing the same.

Legally i don't know what to say to you but i appreciate right now and just before Christmas this leaves you in an unhappy position. It doesn't sound like your mother is very nice to you so it might be better to make a back up Christmas plan in case things don't calm down.

I hope things improve soon x

This is completely about the emotional currency of leaving you out of her estate. ‘Disinheriting ‘ people is an emotional / psychological act, otherwise why would she have included it in a conversation about an emotional battle of wills?

She has weaponised her money since she divorced your Dad, and she sounds cold, vengeful and not nice. You have been penalised emotionally because your Dad’s job was to care for you, and she has used her money in that battle.

I think being clear with her is not the same as ‘apologising’. I would say (or write / message) something like “Mum, please understand my point is not about money. I have no intention of ‘taking ‘ money from my beloved siblings. My point is that I find it hard to hear that not including someone in a will , I.e disinheriting, is seen by you as an emotional punishment, and in conversations like last night it can feel as if that is what it is. I have always been, and always will be grateful for all and any financial support, from everyone.”

The fact is, that she is toxic. It is completely understandable that you want to maintain a relationship with your half siblings. But take a step back and view her for what she is. Find ways to not let her unhealthy behaviour get under your skin.

It’s her, not you. You are not over -sensitive.

Would counselling help you get started with developing your strategies for protecting yourself?

There are self help books often recommended on MN. Lundy Bancroft, one about toxic parents, I think.

Hopefully other posters can identify which ones are the most relevant.

I didn’t say anywhere that the OP deserved the treatment? I was just pointing out that it’s not a typo to mix up step and half, a typo is when you press the wrong key and mis-type something. Maybe it was a Freudian slip or maybe it is reflective of how OP sees and refers to her younger siblings, but it’s not a typo. I don’t care why OP calls her half siblings her step siblings but if she does she should own it and not say it’s a typo, you don’t accidentally type step when you mean to say half the letters are nowhere near each other on a keyboard!

But if you read the OP's comment from 10:03 her own father has remarried:

"I was thinking about the relationship of my father to his step children and my step father to me"

where she explained why she got mixed up with the terms "step" and "half"

If all you want from this post is a rant and to be told that your feelings are justified then you have that. Your mother doesn't sound like much of a 'mother' to me but then people who grow up in less than pleasant circumstances always seem to try to cling on to a relationship that just isn't there. I don't think you are doing any favours to your own child by exposing them to this. You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions though so I wish you well.

Ive been thoroughly disinherited and it hurts. It's not even about the money. It's about being rejected as one of the family and most people want to belong to a loving caring family.

Family belonging goes very, very deep to the core of us.

It's her not you, @Eatcabbage. Really.

I'm finding your post confusing but suspect I am in a similar position as I have been disinherited by my father. I am actually still really close to him. His will gives everything to his adult step-child, who has had a tough life. However, his estate is considerable.

Nonetheless, although I was hurt at first, I have made peace with it and I am still close to my father.

The issue with your mother is that she just seems horrible. That's the bigger issue.

Presumably your mother's other children also have a father to inherit from so her argument is unfounded.
OP low contact with your mother is the way forward to protect your own sanity. You don't have to cut her out completely just accept she's a crap mum to you and let it go.

Your mother is behaving badly. You are allowed to say your piece. Horrible that she is still punishing you for the divorce so many years ago - that was never your “fault” in the first place.

The persons clearly saying if he married and split his inheritance between OP and HIS step child or future children with wife 2 not is ex wife's kids.

I still think its bizarrely wishful thinking though.

"Perhaps if your father remarried and changed his will to include new children she’d change hers"

I'm sorry but this makes no sense at all. Why would the OP's father leave anything to the children of his ex-wife and her new husband?

That makes no sense at all.

I'm on the opposite side of this.

My mam worked (really hard, all the time) and my dad was an (abusive) SAHP, until my mam got ill and couldn't work anymore and he bailed out and then was a deadbeat. My mam raised me, she was great and later on had my younger siblings.

EVERYONE is convinced as the only child of my father I will inherit everything, people are 100% convinced of this. He abandoned me and I haven't seen or heard from him in decades, he never met his grandkids and told me I was a mistake he wishes didn't exist. I somehow doubt I'm getting a single penny despite everyone insistence that its only logical because I'm his only child.

He would burn and smash everything before giving something to me, he burned all my childhood photos with my grandparents (his mam refused to disown me and would collect me for his visitation when he never showed up) when she died just to make sure I couldn't have them.

For a long time my mam said she planned to leave everything just to my siblings as I would inherit from him... eventually she realized hes not going to leave me anything and changed it but it did hurt at first. I guess I reject from him never hurt as its been my whole life (and I don't expect anything) but when it felt like rejection from her it hurt because shes my mam.

This happened with someone on DH's side of the family. A great nephew of his parents was estranged from his mum, and when she died he was to get part of the estate by law even though he didn't want anything to do with his mum. Same thing happened a few years later when the dad passed away. No one knows why they were estranged.

OP you need to learn to look at things differently. Your mother is behaving badly. If things erupt, they erupt because of her behaviour. You must not blame yourself for not sufficiently covering your emotions. Please think seriously about how this relationship is affecting your children’s perception of relationships. Please think seriously about buying yourself some counselling as a Christmas present, give yourself a chance to talk with someone unconnected about your relationship with your parents, straighten it all out in your mind and figure out how to protect yourself and your child.

My own experience is that my father eventually referred to me as an obligation, not family. I say eventually because it was like a lightbulb went off in my head, that was exactly how he had treated me for 20+ years, but it wasn’t until he said the words that I really understood. He sounds very like your mother. I have not spoken to him in ten years, and I and my children are much better off for it. I assume I’ve been disinherited in favour of his subsequent children.

OP, I am really sorry that you have this to deal with, and all around Christmas.
You spoke up, which I think was understandable and reasonable in the conversation context. But what is not reasonable, I'm afraid, to my mind, is anything your mother is saying or doing on this front.

You now regret saying anything and are scared and worried you won't be able to have a nice Christmas with family because you spoke up to your mum. That's also not good.

She is your mother, but she sounds rather tricky to deal with, especially as her child (this is an understatement, I don't want to inflame your feelings at all - best just calmly to look at what's happening).

As for the inheritance, I think that what your father gives you is his business, nothing to do with your mother, they are not together. She got a lot more money from the divorce than he did, as well, as I understand. It sounds like she feels the money in the marriage was more from her than from him, so she feels she had more right to it and has more right now.

In my mind, she should divide her estate equally between her three children. Presumably the half-siblings will inherit from their father also? Or is the inheritance she's giving them the shared inheritance from her and their father?

I'm sorry, OP. I'm afraid I think you should apologise in a simple way to her, and hope to have a happy Christmas. Apologise really only because you don't need more upset and to be cut off from the family you want to be with. And also just remember that sadly she's not reasonable, so you are a bit on a hiding to nothing trying to talk to her. x

@Eatcabbage I think your reaction was understandable, you're not the one who should be feeling guilty or like you need to make amends

Read the thread

Have you said that to her?

She sounds a piece of work OP, so sorry :(

Your mother sounds toxic - I would just cut her out. What is she actually adding to your life apart from pain. Here the title mother is just a word, it does not describe her in any way. Ignore anyone who doesn’t understand this. I’m so sorry