It's ok to disinherit a firstborn if remarried and have a new family, right?

I hate to say this it’s better not to expect anything that way never be disappointed.

Im close to my Dad and without a conversation I’m aware that most likely it will go to his second wife and son (half brother). And even if I don’t know what’s actually in his will it’s easier that way. (Even though the house was bought with his share of my parents marriage)

Same with my Mum half her share will go to her husband and that would then go to my Step-siblings.

I’m still very close to both parents and easier just to not expect anything and then when the time comes (which I hope is a very very long time away) not be sad.

This was my thought. It IS possible this has been explained as the primary reason, however the op is perceiving it otherwise?

My apologies OP if this doesn't apply. Perhaps I'm biased, and the terminology is just triggering for me, however I have a sibling who uses the term emotional rejection in reference to our parents. In reality, the emotional rejection is/has always been on their (my sibling's) part. They've caused me a great deal of heartache over the years by proclaiming to people that our parents treat me differently (when, in reality, the difference is actually how they treat our parents).

To the people determined to make this somehow OP's fault, it wouldn't be surprising if she did see her half-siblings as less connected to her than in a typical half-sibling relationship, given that her mother has apparently done a terrible job of parenting, drawing a sharp delineation between her firstborn and her subsequent children. The half-siblings don't sound great, either, tbh, though I suppose you can't be surprised, since their own mother has shown them how to act.

OP, I understand not wanting to sever the relationship with that entire half of your family, but please take measures to protect yourself and your children from further damage and never completely rule out the option to strictly limit contact with them. Sometimes having no family is actually better, and it sounds like your mother is horribly immature, selfish, and even intentionally cruel and perverse in her treatment of you. Your children don't deserve to be emotionally harmed by exposure to that.

This is called "sideways inheritance". It's so unfair on the bio child of the person who died

Sounds like it because they're younger than her.
I think she's completely confused about what family relations are called, but I suppose it doesn't matter.

Your mother’s children have no relationship to/with your father. They are his ex partner’s children. Just like my ex boyfriend has children, they are nothing to do with me.

Your mother is behaving awfully.

This is horrible to say, but one day you have to understand it to move on. You cannot make your mother love you and be kind to you like a mother should be. That is something which rests with her. The state of your relationship is entirely due to her. There is no apology you can give that will help because it is her behaviour that is the problem. One day you will realise this, and please trust me while it will hurt you will be free.

She says I'll inherit from my father so I don't need to inherit from her as well, but like I said, it's not about the money, it's about the emotional implications

Is the amount you are likely to receive from your father similar to what your half sibling might receive from your Mum and their Dad? If you are already potentially likely to receive a big inheritance then I can see why she might be thinking to give her estate to your half sibling. I don't agree with that but it is something that some people believe.

"I can see a shred of logic here to be fair. Her logic is that you will be well provided for by your father, whose money she believes (rightly or wrongly) she contributed to, and therefore she’s making up for that by prioritising her other children in her own will."

Yes, and as for the DM expecting the DF to provide for the half-siblings too, I can also see the logic from the DM's point of view that the DF's money comes from their divorce so is originally money from the half-sibling's DM or even grandparents.

Not saying I agree with it, but I can see the logic.

Your mother sounds like a narc.

@SantasBeardTrimmer apologies there is a typo in my previous post. The second para should have said "if she expects you to inherit from your father and her other children are unlikely to inherit from theirs"

I would not expect the OP's father to leave anything to anyone other than his own child/children.

@Badgersarethebiggestcarnivores I agree that the OP's mother is behaving appalling.

Your mum is horrible, sorry OP.

I totally understand how it feels to not be part of any family. My dad's estate went to my stepmum when he died, and will pass down to their kids (my half siblings). I won't get any. It'll be the same on my Mum's side. It's not the money though, who even knows with inheritance if anyone will get anything anyway, it's what you say about that sense of being the one on the outside looking in, while the new families are the 'real' families. It's why I simply don't believe blended families actually work in practice. Someone (usually the remarried mum) is deluding themselves that it's all great and in the best interests of all her kids, when in reality, it isn't.

Your mum is using inheritance as a weapon. She knows this is wrong and unfair, which is why she reacts so badly when the issue is raised.

Of course it isn't ok. Almost everyone here understands how unkind and hurtful this is for you, but is your mum going to change? It seems unlikely TBH.

I think you know that only you can reconcile yourself to the fact that this is how things are, and to learn to genuinely not care. Hard, very hard, but if she doesn't have that as an effective weapon to try to hurt your DF through you things may change then.

Sorry OP. Would sending her a 'Father's for Justice' membership application and t-shirt help her understand whether she's being reasonable, as well as give you a smile?

Good luck.

I don't get what you're saying.

Why would the OP's mother inherit anything from OP's father? They are divorced.

I have two step siblings, and my father not recognising them in his will is apparently another reason why I have been disinherited by my mother.

OP means half siblings.
Her mother has had younger children with another man.
Why should OP's father leave them anything? There is no connection.
They are his ex-wife's children from another man, since their divorce.

I don't really have any solution to offer but I can sympathise with what you're saying @Eatcabbage

DF remarried and had more kids when my and DB were small. We were brought up by DM, we'd have the odd night staying over with DF but it was never like there was room for us, typically it would be staying over on the sofa etc.

While they were welcoming it didn't feel like we were part of their family. Stuff like they'd get a big stack of stuff for Christmas and we'd get a single gift. They'd go away on holiday every year while we'd go away with grandparents every other year. While I understand now it was expected of DM to provide for us what DF provided for them, when you're a kid it's like looking in the window of a toy shop.

I do think DF realised this after he divorced and he spent some time living with DB. One year he came into a little bit of money and DB got a nice gift. I got nothing because I was already old enough to provide by myself by that point. No problem 🤷‍♂️

It's not a nice feeling to be left out unintentionally, or even by someone with good intentions, so to have it weaponised against you is a horrible thing for someone to do.

Your mother should be feeling guilty and selfish, not you. Hugs from a fellow sufferer with a toxic mother. You have done nothing wrong.

@Fifthtimelucky yes the logic is fine, but @Eatcabbage 's mother is not sitting her down and appealing to her to understand the reasoning behind not making a 3 way split. She is involving @Eatcabbage in her bitterness towards her ex, @Eatcabbage 's dad.

The OP bears no responsibility for the divorce or how her father came out of it financially. It is appalling that her mother even mentions it to her, let alone slamming the phone down, etc. She sounds horrendous.

You are not at all unreasonable to feel hurt but I can understand that your mother might want to try to even things up between her three children.

If she expects to inherit from your father and her other children are unlikely to inherit from theirs, she might decide that it is fairer to all three of you to leave you out of her will.

I don't think it would be unreasonable of her to make that choice (though I don't think I would do it) but if so I would expect her to explain her reasoning, making clear that she loved you very much but was leaving you out of her Will because you were already well provided for.

Yup. OP you have nothing to apologise for, really, you don't. I'd kind of limit interaction with your mother who is being very unkind.

I can think of a comparable situation. My brother was the father who earned the money. His partner (they never married) stayed at home, lived a lifestyle available to only the top 1%. They had a child.

They split, he generously gave his ex partner half of the assets. He had 2 more children.

There is nothing on God's earth that would persuade him (and rightly so) to leave to his children anything other than a 3 way split in his will, even though his first child will inherit significantly more than his younger two, because that child will also inherit from their mother, who did not earn the money. He realises that his first child would see it as an emotional statement even if he were to explain to her "I'm leaving you a bit less because you will inherit from your mother too, whereas your younger siblings will only inherit from me".

Arguably it could be galling for him because he has a special skill set and was able to earn significant sums of money, whereas his partner did not work at all: did not do any paid work in her life after the age of 28.

But he is not a bitter person and, as I said, he realises the emotional impact his trying to split the money evenly would have on his first child.

Your mother is bitter, emotionally unintelligent. Even if she perceives that her splitting her legacy 3 ways is unfair financially, she should have still done it, because of the emotional impact it would have on you.

It is not your fault @Eatcabbage. You've been dealt a rough hand by having her as your mother. Try to distance yourself and keep reaffirming to yourself that you have been unlucky. It is not you, it's her.

No, only pre-existing children become step-children of the new spouse
Your mother's children born after your mother and father divorced are not your father's step-children.
They are your half-siblings, and your mother's new husband is your step-father, but your half-siblings are nothing (relationship-wise) to your father.
If your mother divorced her new husband and remarried your father, they would then become his step-children.

This is about the fifth time this week I've seen someone on here claim to be "fiercely independent", it's so hackneyed. You're independent, we get it.

In all other ways YANBU.

Your mother thinks your father has already had money from her that in her opinion he shouldn't have had, and that he will leave it to you. She thinks her children from the new relationship are losing out because of the money your father 'took' from her, so in her mind she is equalising it by leaving them everything she has left, leaving you to inherit her other money that your father 'took'. Seems to me that you are collateral to her dispute with your father and in her head she is righting a wrong.

She’s a nasty cow OP. Would suggest ordering Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and putting it at the top of the Christmas reading list. It’s not you, it’s HER - she’s nasty, punitive, unkind.

I really don't think this is the point of the thread. Perhaps a little compassion and understanding would go a long way?