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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to kill unwell DH?

193 replies

meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 08:26

He’s been in bed since Tuesday morning. So I’ve had to do everything.

The thing is he normally is away Tuesday to Thursday night anyway. So no difference.

But having him here and doing nothing is ten times worse than not here at all.

I am sure I am BU.

OP posts:
jannier · 19/12/2024 10:07

meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:44

It absolutely does fall to me, not because I am a martyr but because well what else do you suggest? That I physically prevent him going to work? How? And if I do manage that how do I physically force him to do the things I do?

MN likes to squawk about women martyring themselves and doesn’t seem to consider the alternative is child abuse.

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So really there is a relationship problem...he leaves everything to you as your job and he just goes to work. How did this happen are you supposed to work 24/7

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 10:07

Sceptical123 · 19/12/2024 10:05

Why don’t you have the option? If you need to go to bed bc you are ill he needs to take the day off work to care for his kids

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In the real world people don’t take days off to care for unwell wives. They just don’t.

Luckily I can only think of once this has happened. I sent DS in for an extra day of preschool and so I at least only had one child to manage for a big portion of the day. Even so you have to do the drop offs and pick ups and bed time routine (my most passionately hated part of the day) so it’s not really perfect.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 19/12/2024 10:05

meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 08:43

I do believe he’s unwell. It’s just frustrating as he sort of has the option of going to bed when he’s ill which I don’t. Luckily neither of us are unwell much.

Why don’t you have the option? If you need to go to bed bc you are ill he needs to take the day off work to care for his kids

Stillherestillpraying · 19/12/2024 10:04

My mother did actually tell me, never marry/procreate with a man until you have seen what he is like when 'ill' (I mean a minor illness like a cold, obviously not something serious).
I would not tolerate this. I crack on myself so would expect him to.

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 10:04

jannier · 19/12/2024 10:02

Why don't you? Surely if your that I'll he would come home and take over?

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No, why would he? Unless I was literally about to die I would neither ask or expect this. It would be ridiculous, to be honest.

OP posts:
jannier · 19/12/2024 10:03

Bowietips · 19/12/2024 09:24

When he's better, maybe a conversation along the lines of: 'DH, this has really brought it home to me that I have not been able to take the same time to rest and recover as you have. We need to put plans in place so that when I'm ill, I can also go to bed and not still have to do my usual jobs.'

This

OneThousandFaces · 19/12/2024 10:03

Fraggeek · 19/12/2024 10:00

If he's anything like mine, YANBU and I will bee your alibi if you be mine.

Our boys 11&17 have both asked me how I cope with it. My mum keeps laughing because chose to marry him.

We both have chest infections. His is viral, he's been checked by the same Dr as me and all observations are perfect. Dr gave him antibiotics to be on the safe side but more because I think she felt sorry for what I was dealing with. He is very pathetic when ill.
Mine is bacterial. I have a temperature, I also have asthma so my sats were 88%. I've got a different inhaler, antibiotics, steroids and a finger probe to measure my oxygen levels. I feel like arse.

However I'm still doing everything. He's asleep on the sofa.
I love him to death but right now he could use some "pillow therapy".

Send help.

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I couldn't love someone who would make me do everything with sats of 88 (I assume they're higher now? I hope?) and a temperature, on steroids - jesus. There's nothing funny about that - you should be in bed. You shouldn't be doing anything, and with kids of 11 and 17 they can surely manage for themselves if you're both out of action?

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 10:03

Well yes and I do see that so what can you do? I have never and never would demand he took time off when I’m unwell but it does rather show you can manage usually, albeit not to one’s usual parenting standards.

OP posts:
jannier · 19/12/2024 10:02

meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:17

This is it I think - it really highlights the discrepancy! I’m not doubting he’s ill but he has the luxury of returning to bed where I don’t.

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Why don't you? Surely if your that I'll he would come home and take over?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/12/2024 10:02

If he is there he should be helping a little bit at least.
With work that is more difficult. I would expect him to take some time off if the kids were unwell but barring hospitalisation or something if people start taking time off when their partners are unwell as well as when their children are there is going to be àn awful lot of absence

TeenLifeMum · 19/12/2024 10:02

I’m a terrible nurse. I manage a day of sympathy but that’s my limit and after that I have to dig deep.

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 10:00

ChristmasPudd1990 · 19/12/2024 10:00

Why do men always act like this when women just suck it up when they're poorly? 🙄🤷‍♀️

Quite!

OP posts:
ChristmasPudd1990 · 19/12/2024 10:00

Why do men always act like this when women just suck it up when they're poorly? 🙄🤷‍♀️

Fraggeek · 19/12/2024 10:00

meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 08:26

He’s been in bed since Tuesday morning. So I’ve had to do everything.

The thing is he normally is away Tuesday to Thursday night anyway. So no difference.

But having him here and doing nothing is ten times worse than not here at all.

I am sure I am BU.

If he's anything like mine, YANBU and I will bee your alibi if you be mine.

Our boys 11&17 have both asked me how I cope with it. My mum keeps laughing because chose to marry him.

We both have chest infections. His is viral, he's been checked by the same Dr as me and all observations are perfect. Dr gave him antibiotics to be on the safe side but more because I think she felt sorry for what I was dealing with. He is very pathetic when ill.
Mine is bacterial. I have a temperature, I also have asthma so my sats were 88%. I've got a different inhaler, antibiotics, steroids and a finger probe to measure my oxygen levels. I feel like arse.

However I'm still doing everything. He's asleep on the sofa.
I love him to death but right now he could use some "pillow therapy".

Send help.

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:59

No idea!

OP posts:
Annabella92 · 19/12/2024 09:58

WiseLurker · 19/12/2024 08:46

There's some really nasty things going around at the moment. I know several normally well people who have been absolutely floored.

Perhaps, if he doesn't do this often, then a little empathy might be nice?

What are the symptoms? Is it the 'Edinburgh bug'?

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:57

KenAdams · 19/12/2024 09:55

Well in the example you've just given surely you'd just shout him to come and dress one of the kids?

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Yeah and? If he’s not there?

OP posts:
marmia1234 · 19/12/2024 09:56

Goodness, I took your title seriously at first and was going to type "well I guess it depends on the circumstances - which would have to be very very bad - but telling everyone on MN is definitely a not a good first move."

KenAdams · 19/12/2024 09:55

meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:44

It absolutely does fall to me, not because I am a martyr but because well what else do you suggest? That I physically prevent him going to work? How? And if I do manage that how do I physically force him to do the things I do?

MN likes to squawk about women martyring themselves and doesn’t seem to consider the alternative is child abuse.

Show quote history

Well in the example you've just given surely you'd just shout him to come and dress one of the kids?

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:52

Well yes but if they won’t then it is child abuse because if you say ‘well, I’m not feeding them / dressing them / doing the laundry / taking them to nursery/school that’s neglect which is child abuse.

OP posts:
NormanBateslonglosttwin · 19/12/2024 09:52

I'd do it in a heart beat. I hate lazy people who expect to be waited on hand and foot. Especially my exh who would do this when he was 'ill' but do sweet f a to help with his kids when I was very poorly with flu one christmas,

pizzaHeart · 19/12/2024 09:51

I know he is genuinely ill but in our house the one who is ill looks after themselves as much as possible and does little jobs for benefit of everyone when possible. So when DH was down with sciatica he was advised to keep moving ( he was very very slow from pain though) so he did breakfast in the morning - it took him ages but it’s still one thing minus my list at the very intense time. It’s worse if it’s contagious of course but still we try to find the ways. But I understand your frustration as however Im unwell I need to get up and help DD with washing (she has additional needs) it’s not a big help more supervision but still.

OneThousandFaces · 19/12/2024 09:51

That I physically prevent him going to work? How? And if I do manage that how do I physically force him to do the things I do?

This is why you're angry; not because of him being ill but because of his selfish ineptitude when well. I'm sure it would be much easier to cut him some slack on the bathtime fiasco if he was stepping up the rest of the time. I get that working away adds another level of complication, but ideally the alternative to martyrdom isn't child abuse, it's men pulling their weight as equal parents. With that context, I understand the thread a lot better.

NonPlayerCharacter · 19/12/2024 09:44

meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:42

For me it was last night when I’d got DD out of the bath and into her pyjamas and she was crying hysterically and shouting mama and was trying to get DS out but he was having a meltdown and so both kids were screaming and crying. And DH was lying there listening and not doing a thing. Now yes he is ill, but oh the luxury.

No, that really is unacceptable. Why does he think he can completely opt out like that? If all he wanted to do was work and please himself then he shouldn't have had children.

Original poster
meltingsnowwomen · 19/12/2024 09:44

KenAdams · 19/12/2024 09:41

If someone had posted this about their wife you'd all be going absolutely crazy and calling for a welfare check. The first post is about a dressing gown cord ffs.

People get ill. Unless he's physically not there, he has to take a day off when you're unwell. Have a backbone and stop being a martyr when you're ill and value your own career too. Stop assuming it all just falls to you because you're a woman.

It absolutely does fall to me, not because I am a martyr but because well what else do you suggest? That I physically prevent him going to work? How? And if I do manage that how do I physically force him to do the things I do?

MN likes to squawk about women martyring themselves and doesn’t seem to consider the alternative is child abuse.

OP posts: