Christmas is just additional wifework isn’t it?

It really is! And what a lot of work…

Yes, I used to do everything when the kids were little including buying the presents for his side of the family. I didn't work fulll time so didn't mind doing it, he worked a lot more often away from home so it felt fair. When I started upping my hours over time to full time it took a while to get him to see that I wasn't going to be able to do it all myself and he'd have to step up more. To be fair he does. He does all the presents for his side of the family including wrapping, will buy stuff for our two now (young adults), gets the decorations out of the loft and puts the lights out int he front, does some xmas food shopping, and actually last Christmas day when it was all my family here he ended up taking over hte cooking on the day (preprepared sides so not too bad).

No. But I don't buy into this wifework crap anyway. We each do things in my marriage. Sometimes one of us will do more depending on what's going on in life, and this flexes as needed.

If you're having to do all this extra shit it's because either you're a martyr and insist on doing it or because you're a doormat and won't enforce boundaries.

I don't find it's all on me, no. These days my sh is largely retired so does more when push comes to shove.

I do think a lot of men don't really care about creating some idea of a perfect Christmas, and they don't accept social pressure to do things they don't think are important.

This is an area a lot of women might be happier if they followed suit - Christmas can be pretty simple, it won't hurt your kids or family. Decide what's important, and what isn't important, don't do it.

I do the bits that I care about and if no-one else cares about the other bits enough to make them happen then they don't happen.

I bake a Christmas cake and mince pies because I like them. I will put up decorations because I want to. I will buy gifts for the people where I can think of good gifts. I will make sure there are roast potatoes and roast meat and the other bits of a roast that I want for Christmas Day.

The thing to let go of is other people's expectations for what you should do. I believe that if you put the effort into things you want to do then you will get a reward for that. But if you put your effort into things that other people want you to do maybe you won't get a reward.

Imagine being a man where Christmas is just something that happens to you....

I’ve reduced the mental load of this completely. We don’t buy presents for adults. I don’t get involved in presents for his family as he is a grown ass man. If anyone wants a present they have to submit a wish list. No list, no presents. This is how I remain sane and happy in December but appreciate it’s not for everyone. No drudgery wife work here! 🍷

It's only as much additional wife work as you choose to take on.

Last year dh did the kids presents and realised how much work it is.

So why are you doing it all this year?

You two need to work as a team.

Oh I love Christmas Day! I absolutely love cooking! It's all the crap in the run up to to it that is so stressful. The late night finicky research to identify the best brand of X or Y.

Sorry to disappoint but no, not here. I order the presents and wrap them, then that’s me done. He does the cooking and clearing, which is fine by me.

Holy moley YES!

the very thought of just going to work and then turning up to a festive break, all booked and packed….and presents ready wrapped….id be dead and in fecking heaven

that said he works more than me to pay for it all….circular shite of inequality patriarchy nonsense….and so it comes to pass - a spa day just for me when they all back at work n school etc

This. Do what you want and reduce expectations. Then sit back and sip wine - it’s a day off work!

Yep, this.

I wrap the presents and decorate the tree

He cooks

Fair division of labour and we both do what we enjoy/are good at

Yes, 95% me. All the presents bar his to me. All our cards, 80% of the wrapping, all Christmas cooking, elves, most tidying, decorations, and almost all the childcare over the holidays. He'll do some food shopping, some cooking outside the main days, and put outside lights up.

He does work full time whilst I work 3 days pw, but all the load falls on me. If I didn't step up it would all be a bit shit for the kids, so I do, but I'm getting more resentful. I don't think he appreciates the mental load as he's never done it (and isn't that fussed about Xmas so isn't motivated).

You need to delegate the small stuff. I do all the organising, cooking etc but my husband will do the extra bits; while I’m cooking the extra food he will wash up, he’ll peel potatoes, clean. All the things that don’t need to be perfect (I don’t care if the floors aren’t perfect as long as my food tastes good). I’m particular about my food and gifting so I prefer to do that but DH can lighten the load.

DH does far more than me. I'm usually on baking duty but DH does everything else.

YABU if it feels too much and like work, just simplify Christmas!
It is a family time. It is to be full of warmth and fond memories. You can have turkey ham from a package and have great Christmas. Simple is good.

Doesn’t that give you the ick? That you’re essentially his mother?

Genuine question but if your DH knows how much work it is, why don't you divide it equally?

DH and I always sort out our own parents, siblings etc so I only have mine to buy for. We share getting the kids' presents sorted. I do most of the wrapping because I'm neater (and quite enjoy it!), he does the majority of the cooking and me the washing up. It works well enough.

I also do more of the admin type stuff (remembering Christmas jumper days etc) as I'm on mat leave but we'll see how that works next year.

Unclench and let Christmas be , I'm sure people will enjoy it with you running yourself into the ground

He would do anything I asked him. But as previous poster said, not to my standards! He will be in the kitchen trenches with me on 24th and 25th. He just believes gifts should be "a wee token" whereas I think Christmas gifts should be really considered and as generous as possible. Never the twain shall meet!

I have a bad marriage and 99% of it falls to me.
I thought it was quite unusual in this so solidarity here. If it was down to my other half my daughter would have no Christmas presents.
Combined with a December birthday child I feel like I'm going crazy every year.

Relate to a lot of what @Caiti19 says.
I do online shopping in the evening and stay up late sorting everything out. Shattered.

Yanbu

I agree, though I quite like doing most of it.

Then his mum gets crap presents from her son. Say cheerfully and loudly at the start of December: ‘ I’m on the verge of a breakdown here and can’t face Christmas, Dh will be doing all presents for the extended family.’ Then you proceed to give no fucks. If its truly a crap present when she opens it you look a bit horrified and stare mortifiedly at dh and mmm sympathetically at mil, oh dear he’s always average wiht mine but I hoped he’d do better than that. We will have to work on him together (because hell will freeze over before you take over again)