Am I being silly re Christmas dinner/day.

Your posts about how and when everything was discussed are a little vague. Are you saying that in August you invited both DS and DD over and they both said yes. Then nearer the time (when?) your daughter got her work schedule and said she couldn't come any more and because you heard nothing from your son you assumed he was still coming? I think August is too early for definitive and final plans. I would expect to follow up in November with a conversation along the lines of are you still coming for Christmas? It's also not clear when and why another date was arranged. I think if I were your son or daughter I would assume that this was the family get together and not expect another date. If you communicate with everyone as vaguely as you communicate on this thread then that might be contributing to the breakdown in communication.

This.

Why OP can't make the most of the day with her husband I don't know. It's literally one day.

She probably is happy that he has found someone to spend his life and Christmases with.

However, as OP has been unable to celebrate the previous two Christmases due to her cancer treatment, it isn't unreasonable of her to invite her DS and DIL for Christmas once her treatment was over and to be disappointed that, having agreed to come, they are now going to spend the day with DIL's friend.

You're having the family celebration at the weekend though, when your daughter can make it? Your son could pop in on xmas day though, that is true.

I hate all this pressure around 'the day'. I live extremely far from my parents and other family (they moved, not me). It's expensive, crowded (on train), and difficult with my work schedule to get there for Christmas Day itself, yet they pressure me to do so. I don't, I go a few days before or after, and spend my Christmas Day alone (actually alone! No partner).

we were almost in this situation for the first time this year and it was the thought that both our kids didn’t think it was a problem for us to spend Xmas day alone that hurt us a bit, more than it actually happening ! as obviously we would have got on with it on the day - we’re in our 60s and no doubt a Xmas day just together is in our future 🎄

You are not alone.

You are with the person you love who you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with.

Have you not spoken about Christmas Day since August? When you arranged the weekend meal was Christmas Day mentioned then? Do you think your son then thought you had moved your celebrations to then because of his sibling working on Christmas Day.

It sounds like you discussed this last year and then you haven't mentioned it again until now which is too late as people may not remember last year's conversation

I think it's difficult to balance everything at Christmas. There are families to see and at least you are not home alone like many will be.

It's not nice that your ds sprung this on you yesterday.

Yanbu.

Did you say anything?

What does them being retired have to do with anything? And again, two people cannot be alone: they are together on Christmas Day.

YANBU. It’s understandable that your DD is unavailable because of work but if I was in her shoes I’d be very unimpressed that my brother didn’t step up. Between myself and my brothers, we’d never let my parents be alone on Christmas Day, same for my in-laws.

This sticks out to me OP. You "mentioned" that they "will" have dinner with you? You don't get to decide that I'm afraid, they are adults with their own lives and their own plans. And you and your DH can still have a full Christmas Day, you are just choosing not to.

You’re not on your own though, you have your husband?

I’m in my 40s, haven’t had Christmas dinner with my mum or Dad for over 20 years-before I was married. I see them in the Christmas period, but not actually at Christmas.

You won't be alone though OP.

It's a bit insulting to people who truly spend christmas alone.

That doesn't sound like an invite, it sounds like a summons!

Because Christmas has been moved to the weekend

We are attempting to establish this with our families. It's too much to rush around trying to please everyone in one day. Sounds like your son is a rubbish communicator but just thinks your Christmas is the following weekend.

Sounds like your son has (understandably) thought that Christmas would be celebrated once as a family and it would be on the day everyone could make it. The problem here is the lack of communication about it between you all. I can sympathise with your disappointment, especially after your illness, but I don't think it sounds malicious. Try to make the most of a lovely peaceful day and enjoy your family day when it comes.

Would you not talk about it at some point between August and now to say “what time do you want to come over” or similar?

I'm sorry your feeling this way especially after being through treatment. I hope you are fully recovered. It can be really hard trying to get the whole family together once there is children and work commitments to consider. Try and enjoy the day with your husband. You will all be together a few days later.

Did you not discuss since August? That surprises me. Did you never mention it since?

Yes but I don’t think OP has been very clear with DS on plans. Perhaps understandable as she has been through a lot.

But I agree with you, I’d be happy that he was having a good life.

Ah yeah sorry missed that bit.

In that case yeah that's a bit off especially leaving it so late to let you know but they're adults so I'd just be happy he's found someone he wants to spend his Christmases and life with