How long after death of partner before dating?

Why wouldn’t someone who’s been through the sadness of losing a longtime partner to illness be just as entitled to a bit of jolly, no-strings-attached sex as anyone else? Are you imagining the OP chastely gliding around in black, like the Scottish Widow ads?

I would agree and also say be very careful. The 50+ dating pool isn’t that great OP and there’s a lot of men in that age range who aren’t very honest.

I how much I'd judge depends on the approach to dating.

If one of my friends was widowed and happened to meet someone through a shared hobby, or became closer to someone who was already known to them, I'd think "good for you, but hope you take it slowly as it's quite soon and you're still grieving". If they announced to me that they'd joined tinder, I'd probably be a bit 😳

I wouldn't judge but would be a bit worried that you were vulnerable and consequently perhaps not as wary as you might be.

I wouldn't judge, it's up to the individual.

I would say though to be very aware of what you want, and what you are 'offering', for want of a better word. If you would just like to go out on dates and have non-serious fun, make that plain to the man in question, so he doesn't fall in love with you and be devastated that you didn't want any kind of committed relationship. And mind your own heart, too.

It's not callous ffs. Literally a 50/50 split on peoples opinions. Of course I have sympathy it's awful what OP has gone through and I know the grief only too well. Which is what makes me say I would think 8 months feels too soon.

I read this once; '1 month for each year'. So for a 20 year relationship, 20 months is a reasonable amount of time to start a new relationship. This appeals to me as I think you are very vulnerable after losing your spouse and it may be best to take it slow.

What a callous and unsympathetic thing to think, though. Have some empathy!

GallyGaff · Yesterday 19:03
**
Thank you for your replies.
No children.
A very happy marriage with no baggage/ unresolved issuse.
He was very ill for 10 months. He died in a hospice in my arms. I said what I wanted to say in the minutes before he died.
He was 58. I'm 55.

Do whatever you need to do sweetheart. Lots of love X

I wouldn't judge anything (in reason) that you did whilst coming to terms with a major bereavement. But you might find dating after 8 months a bit soon, with the partner you lost too much in your thoughts and being more vulnerable than usual. Unless there's an old trusted friend you are interested in dating, it might be better to wait.

What an astonishingly bitchy response. Peiole less nasty-minded will probably think that it’s because of their happiness and the fact that the OP was able to tell him how much he meant to her before he died that means she’s able to look for a new relationship relatively soon. She’s had a very happy marriage to a good person. She’s knows they exist.

The thing I always think is everyone just assumes the marriage was amazing the partnership was strong.

One of my great friends lost her husband, but they were already separated emotionally and physically years prior and for her she did hold back to respect her family and children but was having quiet relationships fairly soon after he passed away.

It’s supposedly true. People want to experience what they had again.

I think, fundamentally people muddy “moving forward” with “replacing”.

my children are not anywhere the age of being in this situation but in the same way I would be happy for my son to meet and marry someone who would make him happy and find a fulfilling relationship with, so to would I be if my DIL were widowed and met someone else who made her happy. I would view it as my son wanting his wife to be truly happy and moving on is not the same as replacing someone.

you do what feels right for YOU. No one else is having to walk in your shoes and bear the grief and loneliness and we are a people are not built to do life alone

My lovely friend lost her DH suddenly when she was just 34.

Within months she was doing all sorts of things most people would raise their eyebrows at. She was lonely though, she wanted to recreate the feeling of someone being there, with her.

She calmed and met and married someone new 3 years later.

At the time she did what she needed to, to get herself through the horror.

OP, people who judge you don’t understand you. Do what’s right for you xxx

There's no right or wrong here op. I agree with others that I'd probably keep it discrete initially but more so that you have time to sit with it all and see how you feel about it before you have to listen to any one else's opinion. This is a time where you need to do what's right for you.

My only concern would be that you are in a good and consistent enough place in yourself that you wouldn't be a bit more vulnerable to people with bad intentions or just that dating can be a very mixed bag. But only you know that. Do you have an idea of what you want to get out of it - just to dip your toe back in the pool/ meet new people/ fill your time/ open the door to a new relationship?

In the Victorian times there was a rule book for all this, quite literally.

It no longer exists. So do what you feel you want to do, and if anyone make negative comments, tell them to mind their own business and stop being judgemental.

My opinion is valid just like yours.

Here is the thing... If you separate from your partner, people often encourage you to move on and date again as soon as you feel ready. But when your partner dies there are all those unspoken rules. Truly, the grief process is probably not very different but death is such a taboo subject that it raises irrational emotions.
You are the one who is alive and you know when the time is right for you. Let people judge, it's none of their business.

I wouldn't judge you, we all deal with widowhood differently, I would just wish you happiness.

I've been widowed for almost six years, and although I would like a male companion for meals or days out, I wouldn't want a partner.

Some people will.always judge
but it's up to you you have suffered tremendous loss if you feel ready to move on its no one else's business

I know someone who took her new boyfriend to her late DH's funeral! Now that did get people talking. It's really personal I guess.

I was widowed 11 years ago at 37, my children weee 4 and 6. My husband was ill for 5 years before he died so I went through a lot of anticipatory grief. I started dating again after a year. When I met my new partner I spent a long time explaining to my children that I still loved daddy, but he wasn’t here for me to give the love too. I have been with my partner for 10 years. Only one friend wasn’t accepting. You have to do you, nothing is right or wrong and there should be no judgement x

WTF have I just read?! Nobody except awful, gossipy, absolute roasters would think that, let alone say it out loud.

How dare you tell a bereaved woman how she 'should' grieve?