Page 2 | How long after death of partner before dating?

GallyGaff · 2024-12-18T18:24:50+00:00

I know you will say "it's different for everybody" and "when you're ready" but too soon seems disrespectful. We were together for 20 years. He died 8 months ago. Would you judge a relative/ friend who was looking to date after 8 months or should it be at least a year? YABU - Wait at least a year. YANBU - 8 months is fine

ClaraThePigeon · 20/12/2024 08:49

No I think they should be reproached because the husband was an abusive asshole so sue me if I don’t give a flying fuck about how he feels about my friend’s death considering that he abused her when she was alive and that he didn’t and doesn’t give a shit about his children either. (They’re now living with grandparents)

Likewise the other person may not have been abusive just a cheat but she had absolutely no regard for her children and she’s totally fucked up their relationship, not helped by her new partner being a piece of shit who wanted them out of the house asap including her 17 year old.

You may think that the widow or widower is the only person who matters but if they have children then they are not. Grieving or not, as a parent you have a responsibility to your children and that means considering their needs and feelings as well as your own. It doesn’t mean that you can never find another partner but it means being considerate because you may be able to move on with another partner but they cannot replace their parent and they deserve consideration too. It’s also basic safeguarding for you and them just as you shouldn’t move a partner in 3 months after a breakup. But no heaven forbid that anyone gives their grieving children any thought.

blobby10 · 20/12/2024 08:30

Has anyone else noticed that men seem able to 'move on' more quickly after a bereavement than women do? Maybe its a massive generalisation but I noticed on here that it seems the same after divorce - men move on more quickly.

jasjas3008 · 20/12/2024 08:17

ClaraThePigeon · 19/12/2024 19:03

Its rubbish because its none of your business.

OP asked for opinions so she’s getting them so no need to foam at the mouth and play the almighty keyboard warrior defending OP from the horror of alternate opinions though actually I wasn’t talking about OP.

And I do know in examples that I mentioned that their children’s grief was made even harder by their Mother and Father callously disregarding their feelings and rushing into things, and their relationship has never recovered. In the first case I mentioned she had an affair so it’d be hard to argue that she had much regard for her partner to begin with, let alone for her children’s feelings. Her “grief” was not the only one that mattered.

And in the second I know that he was an abusive asshole who never really cared for his partner or he wouldn’t have treated her as he did when she was alive so I’ve no sympathy for him now that she’s dead or patience for his callous disregard for his children’s wellbeing or attempts to pretend that he was ever the virtuous loving husband that he likes to paint himself as to make him seem like a good guy.

Unpleasant and selfish people lose their partners too. You don’t become a paragon of virtue who is beyond reproach just because you lose someone.

My pov is based on experience of loss & counselling.

I wont rise to your quite nasty post about me & two people who you really have no idea about how they felt about losing a partner, which can bring out feelings quite different to perhaps ones they had in life.

You think that because someone starts seeing someone before, in your opinion, they should, they should be "reproached"

My God.

Chocolateteapot12 · 20/12/2024 01:23

speedling · 19/12/2024 10:53

This is a very interesting thread to me.
I lost DH four months ago so the grief is still raw. I'm young (ish for a widow I guess, late30s). DH had been ill for four years and in the last few months we had the discussion where he said he knew I would be okay and he would want me to find someone else. I can't imagine being intimate with anyone ever again but what I really miss is conversation, banter, flirting, a hug from a big 6ft 4 guy with strong arms and soft skin. That's what I miss.
I love going out for nice dinners and when I eventually find myself doing that with a male friend anyone that judges me can go fuck themselves quite truthfully. And if they dared being vocal about it they would get a barrage of that pent up grief-anger that I've been storing for years ❤️

Me too. I’m also 4 months into widowhood and early 40s. Sending love and solidarity

stichguru · 19/12/2024 21:23

Whenever you are ready. I guess you need to feel ready. Like if you throw yourself at someone else because you are desperate to have a partner again, it's too soon. But if you are actually just attracted to someone and want to date - nothing is too soon, and if you never have another relationship that's fine too.

Babadookinthewardrobe · 19/12/2024 21:22

Msmoonpie · 18/12/2024 19:10

In circumstances where there has been a long illness I think part of the grieving has been while the person was still alive.

I also once read an article written by a woman whose partner had died. She said that in some ways it was easier for her than for her friends who had divorced. The reason being that the relationship itself was never in question.

There was no acrimony or hate. Just love and an utter certainly that the person they loved had gone.

I wouldn’t judge anyone who has lost a partner.

Show quote history

Thank you. I lost my darling husband 8 months ago at age 49. You are right, there was no acrimony just the utter certainty of love and such a terrible loss. He was my soulmate and I don’t think I will ever move on.

BUT I would not judge anybody, particularly OP who will have already been grieving through the time of the illness and in the hospice. My lovely DH passed away within 2 months of first feeling ill.

Whatever makes you happy and gives you a chink of hope in these times is OK OP. Go for it. Sod the judgement of others, they know nothing. We all handle this in our own way. Good luck to you X

Firstposternailsityetagain · 19/12/2024 21:13

Tandora · 18/12/2024 18:28

You should do whatever feels for right for your happiness OP ❤️

Yup!

There are SO many factors, and it's so personal. Don't let anyones opinion tell you how to be happy...except for this opinion obvs :P

MyrtleStrumpet · 19/12/2024 21:12

Life is too short to give a single fuck about what anyone else thinks.

Don't worry.

Be happy.

TravelInsuranceQ · 19/12/2024 21:09

I've never been in your situation so don't know....
What I would say though is that in a way you've probably been grieving in a way for your husband for longer than 8 months, probably from the time you thought that it was possible he might not make it.

So don't worry about what other people think.
It is completely up to you.
And you might not even know the answer for you until you try it.
You might arrange a date then realise that, for you, it's still too soon - if that's the case, just cancel it and try another time.
You've been through something really tough so it's ok to just think of yourself.

Good luck!

itsalwaysthesame · 19/12/2024 19:52

I don't no t think there is time limit as such but I'd be upset if my dad started dating someone 8 months after my mum died, I think 8 months is quite a short time but that is me

Fridgemanageress · 19/12/2024 19:23

8 months is a fair bit of time.

just date and enjoy. If u don’t enjoy, look around again.

i wish u all the luck and love in the world, because there will always be someone who thinks you should wear black longer than Queen Victoria did

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 19/12/2024 19:22

For your own mental health wait. You may think you are ready but bereavement is a journey and you could very quickly change your mind. Speaking from experience I didn’t have sex for two years and even that was too soon. Makes me feel 🤢 whenever I think of it despite it being fun at the time.

Itsabummer · 19/12/2024 19:10

My love and I got together when I was 38 and he 48. Our first marriages had gone wrong. We had already been friends for almost 20 years. We were soulmates.

I lost him after a very short illness. I could never replace him, however for those that wish to have companionship, friendship and maybe love there is no right or wrong. Life is so short and if you can find love again then that has to be wonderful. Not for me but we all have different needs and outlooks on life. Good luck.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/12/2024 19:04

Thing is with your partner dying , yes it may be someone's mum dad brother sister friend

But it's the love of your life

And suddenly you are home alone. No one to see or talk or cuddle

But the others go home and see their loved ones /family etx and their lives carry on as such

They forget that you are on your own

A poster said about dates are sometimes harder for others. They R.E.M. the birthdays , anniversaries etx and seem more harder to them

Where to us we live with the loss every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every month year after year

ClaraThePigeon · 19/12/2024 19:03

Its rubbish because its none of your business.

OP asked for opinions so she’s getting them so no need to foam at the mouth and play the almighty keyboard warrior defending OP from the horror of alternate opinions though actually I wasn’t talking about OP.

And I do know in examples that I mentioned that their children’s grief was made even harder by their Mother and Father callously disregarding their feelings and rushing into things, and their relationship has never recovered. In the first case I mentioned she had an affair so it’d be hard to argue that she had much regard for her partner to begin with, let alone for her children’s feelings. Her “grief” was not the only one that mattered.

And in the second I know that he was an abusive asshole who never really cared for his partner or he wouldn’t have treated her as he did when she was alive so I’ve no sympathy for him now that she’s dead or patience for his callous disregard for his children’s wellbeing or attempts to pretend that he was ever the virtuous loving husband that he likes to paint himself as to make him seem like a good guy.

Unpleasant and selfish people lose their partners too. You don’t become a paragon of virtue who is beyond reproach just because you lose someone.

HowMuchOfYourHeart · 19/12/2024 18:50

OP I am sorry for your loss.

I’ll give you one from the other perspective. I was in ICU on life support, and my DP’s manager urged him to move on as soon as possible. Said that hopefully within six months he would be in a happy settled relationship. And I wasn’t dead yet 😱.

I think that in all reality nobody actually can tell anyone else what they should do. I remember watching an article on good morning Britain or similar, and they said that a survey had shown that a really high proportion of people (I think it might even been as high as 20%) believed that people should never move on after the loss of a partner and to do so is unacceptable.

I’ve also seen posts on here from posters saying that they absolutely would expect their own partner to never move on if they died.

Conversely many people would want their partner to move on and find happiness after they’ve gone. Myself included. Although I think that we’ll wait until I’m actually dead before he moves on 😂

XenoBitch · 19/12/2024 18:46

It is an individual thing. I know someone who lost his wife of 20 years, and was married within 18 months.
There is no right timeline for grieving and moving on/

jasjas3008 · 19/12/2024 18:45

ClaraThePigeon · 19/12/2024 12:52

The "respectful" time rubbish, it is just to please people who haven't a fucking clue how awful losing a loved partner is.

I don’t think it’s rubbish. There are other people to consider especially children. A relative moved in a her new partner less than 2 months after the death of her partner(And it turned out that she’d been having an affair with him) and announced the relationship 2 weeks after his death. She completely alienated her grieving(Barely adult) children. I’ve given more thought to replacing a handbag than that.

I think they were owed more respect and consideration than that.

Likewise a friend died and her husband had treated like her dirt(What I’d consider abuse) then tried to play the grieving widow afterwards but still moved someone to their family home in 4 months after her death though he still regularly reminds people of how devastated he was though he didn’t love her enough to treat her with basic decency while she was alive and replaced her quickly so I don’t buy that all widows/widowers should be beyond criticism or genuinely loved their partners.

Its rubbish because its none of your business.

You don't know what these people felt, you ve no idea and the chances are children will never accept a new partner, all they want is their mum or dad back.

I suffered a very sudden bereavement, in the morning planning our wedding, the next a funeral but i would never dare to judge anyone, whatever they did relationship wise.

If they met that person a week later, so what? might be the only thing stopping themselves tipping over the edge.

We all deal with things in our way and its fucking hard enough without a bunch of so called do gooders having their say.

JingleB · 19/12/2024 18:43

I would think under a year is a bit soon, but that's based on my own experience of bereavement. I was basically slightly insane for the first year of loss.

It took a bit more than a year for me to find my 'new normal' and I wouldn't have been capapble of having a stable and healthy new relationship before I reached that point.

Whatever the outcome, I wish you a happy future, OP.

Heatherjayne1972 · 19/12/2024 18:33

I know some one who married her husbands best friend 18m after he died
raised a few eyebrows apparently but they’re happy
there’s no set limit. You do whatever feels right to you

Zanatdy · 19/12/2024 18:20

I guess a year seems like a reasonable time frame for most, but i’m sure some will have a problem with that so do what feels right.

DoAWheelie · 19/12/2024 18:19

My partner of 15 years died 9 months ago. I 100% do not feel ready to date but that's just how I feel. My family are trying to push me into it.

There is no universal accepted amount of time so ignore what everyone else wants and do what works for you. As we've both learned - life is too short to waste.

Original poster

GallyGaff · 19/12/2024 18:16

Just to say thank you for all your comments. Some of you have taken the time to write quite in-depth ones and I very much appreciate the wonderful advice I have had. I would also like to thank everyone for their very kind comments about the grief I'm currently feeling.

OP posts:

opaltimer · 19/12/2024 16:48

It was 3 months for my dad to move on after my mum died. But it was a very very unhappy marriage and I suspect he was having an emotional affair for some time. It was too much to process after still grieving my mum and I wish he'd kept quiet for longer tbh. The whole thing brings up a lot of complex emotions but it's his life. I've met his partner once and have no intention of forming a relationship with her.

Hannaahhhh · 19/12/2024 16:42

burntheleaves · 19/12/2024 16:39

@Hannaahhhh YOU weren't ready at 8 months. That's fine.

Judging someone else you don't know for wanting to seek companionship is just not decent behaviour

If I would think to myself it's too soon but I wouldn't say it out loud, that's totally my perogative. The decent behaviour is not saying it. What's not decent behaviour is arguing with a widow on the Internet about her "behaviour" because she thinks 8 months is too soon. You're boring me now, just grow up. Unless you've been in the situation you won't understand.