Husband issued ultimatum over party invite

Tell FIL it was a Poopyhead False Alarm and make sure he understands which cousins are off the Naughty List and back on Nice. But if he still says no givesies no backsies, you're gonna have to have two separate parties - or none. Your husband isn't being unreasonable, for once.

So happy this isn't my family. Sounds super fucking tiresome.

God these clannish family feuds.

You should not have involved your ILs , but now they should maybe think ‘thank goodness we can just get on and be civil again’

Although were your ILs expected to freeze out people they were formerly close to? And now expected to smile and nod and make peace in public? They might feel you have made them look like twats.

Maybe you should have introduced the reconciliation more gradually, and not just expected them to come up against people you asked them to blank at your party.

Are the ILs involved in the original cause of the rift?

But you did. So now you have to deal with it.

If your in-laws aren't going to get along with your cousins, you need to uninvite the cousins and tell them why - that you embarked on a smear campaign against them with your husband and his family. Hopefully they'll be understanding. After the holidays, you need to address it with your in-laws.

This.

I’ve been in their shoes. It’s horrendous.

I went away to uni and in my first year away my childhood best friend fell out with a big group of our mutual good friends. It was a horrible fall out and I had no option but to chose to continue being friends with my best friend or all the others. I chose my best friend. I didn’t have a row with the others but we just didn’t speak again.

Two years later (in my third year at uni, I was still living away) she made up with them all and they all became best pals again, hanging out together all the time. However since I was living away I wasn’t part of the make up.

I then moved back home and I was put in the most awkward position. I had to apologise to all these people that Id never had a problem with, never fallen out with, but who I’d cut contact with to side with my best friend. It was never the same, they all went on to be great friends and yet I was the one left feeling awkward, like I’d done something wrong. So I can totally understand how awkward and annoyed your DH and parents are feeling.

I think you need to give it much more time to heal before you try to bring them together at a big social party, in front of lots of people.

If you're not prepared to come clean with your FIL about the mistakes you've made, you'll either have to cancel the party or host a second one.

Respect your husband's wishes. It's more important to have his parents present and for them to be comfortable at the party than for you to have your cousins there, who half the time you don't even like and have told everyone else to stay away from. Just because you've changed your mind doesn't mean everyone else has.

It’s very tedious when any dissent against a poster is blown up into a “pile-on”.

He is still bitter at me for involving him and his parents in my dispute. In hindsight it was foolish but we are speaking now and I don't know what he or his parents expect me to do.

Well, that’s not true, is it? You know exactly what they expect you to do - you just don’t want to do it.

As others have said, there’s a fairly massive piece of context missing here. I don’t even remember if my BIL even has cousins, let alone have any interest in being involved in disputes with them. As such, I’m sure there must be more to the relationship between your in-laws and your cousins, otherwise this wouldn’t be such a big issue. It’s very difficult to offer useful advice without it.

All I can say is that if your husband is seriously angry about the idea of your cousins coming to this party, shouldn’t that be your priority rather than worrying that they’ll be offended? If you were prepared to not only cut these cousins out of your own life for years, but also ask others to do it, why are you so panicked about offending them now? And if they do get offended, will you be asking your husband and in-laws to go back to ignoring them?

I wouldn't have invited them to the party in the first place, knowing that there was a history of conflict and that conflict seemingly hasn't been hundred percent resolved if FIL will react badly to them coming.

What the hell has any of this got to do with your FiL? Do you live in a one 🐴🐎 town? Do you all marry your rellies and your father-in-law is also actually another one of your cousins? Is your surname Capulet?

Very discombobulated.

I don't really get why you would host a party with both sets of family etc knowing there's been this conflict. Presumably you knew it would be awkward for all involved. Your in-laws have stood by you through this, it's not fair to put them or your husband in this position now

Am I the only one who doesn't understand who has fallen out with whom or why?

Can folk stop with the pile on? OP acknowledges she approached this badly

Would be helpful to offer suggestions of how to approach this, rather than endless criticism

I agree that I can't understand why your inlaws care? Or did you tell them loads of details about how awful your cousins were and now being at a party with them would be like being at a party with puppy murdering child abusers? That's the only way your dh/fil reactions make sense to me.

No you shouldn't.
They listened to you and took your side in it all. Now you want to play happy families like it never happened ,,?

Do you all live in the same tiny town? Why were your in-laws involved with your cousin's anyway?
@Boots4me

What is FIL's reaction likely to be?

It definitely was very wrong to involve your inlaws in a dispute with your cousins, sounds very messy and childish.

Unfortunately you laid the bed so i guess you have to wait until he is ready to host them.

I think your DH is validly upset here and you need to listen to him.

She is begging for it.