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This school makes me uncomfortable and I want to scale back interactions

91 replies

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 12:29

We started off getting to know each other a few months ago as our kids are in the same class.

It seemed fine at first, we had a couple of play dates for the kids and would talk when dropping off the kids.

But it's just become too much for me. She calls a fair bit, is always wanting to help me somehow.

She's asked me once to pick up her child from school for her because she was running late and she's once picked up my child from school too.

They're both 5. She's always jumping over herself to help me somehow, like when school finishes at a different time, she'll reach out and ask if she needs to pick up my child. I have actually never asked her to pick up my child( until recently, see below ) but once, she offered as she knew my other child was sick- so to avoid me having to take my younger child out, she offered to drop my older child at home. But before she did so, she took my DD to her house to get her DS to get changed and I didn't really understand why and I didn't like it.

Anyway, when I pick up my DD her DS asks if he's coming home with us and apparently my DD also asks her. Even though it's only happened once, the kids remember it..

Then last week, I was desperate and it's actually the first time I asked her to pick up my DD but I was uncomfortable. I asked on a Monday if she could pick her up and she said of course. By the Tuesday morning I found an alternate solution and texted her immediately to let her know I no longer needed her to pick her up and she said ok cool.

Anyway, I got grandma to pick her up instead and this school mum made a big deal out of the fact that my DD was upset she wasn't going home with her but had a to go home with grandma.

She said she had a word with my DD, if the teachers mention it.

My DD always gets a bit upset when being picked up early from her after school club, because she loves her after school club. When I pick her up, she always scrunches up her face a bit and says she wants to finish her drawing or whatever she was doing.

When I asked grandma, she told me that's all that happened. There were no tears or anything and she was more than happy to go home and be picked up by grandma.

I feel like the mum is lying about this and making a big deal out of nothing.

First of all, I never told my DD that the plan had been for her to go home with mum friend- so why would she have been upset ? Secondly, why did the teachers know anything about her being so upset that they may ' mention it ' ? Thirdly, why did grandma say it was literally not a big deal? And finally, when I asked my DD what happened - she said she wanted to stay at the after school club because it's so much fun. She said she didn't cry and went home with grandma.

Maybe my DD did ask if she was going home with the other mum, like her son asks me, but to turn it around into a big emotional melt down because the plans changed ( which DD didn't even know about anyway) just seems really manipulative to me.

I 100 percent believe grandma and my DD here and now I feel even more uncomfortable about this mum and I will NEVER ask her again.

Is my reaction here too strong ? It's almost like a visceral reaction. I'm trying to make sense of everything but this person is just so in my face and wanting to help ALL the time, something seems so off.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
tinymoon · 18/12/2024 21:40

I’d bet a lot of money that she’s desperate for friends because no one else will put up with her.

TinklySnail · 18/12/2024 20:17

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 20:12

Well neither of us is from the area but I wouldn't say we are new to the area.

So I think that you are just two different people.
Shr isn’t wrong for wanting to be helpful. Lots of mum’s are exactly like your friend.
You aren’t wrong for feeling it’s too full on.
Accept you are not compatible and walk away.

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 20:12

Well neither of us is from the area but I wouldn't say we are new to the area.

OP posts:
TinklySnail · 18/12/2024 20:08

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 20:07

Why ?

Are you? Or is she new?

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 20:07

TinklySnail · 18/12/2024 20:07

Are you new to the area you live in?

Why ?

OP posts:
TinklySnail · 18/12/2024 20:07

Are you new to the area you live in?

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 20:03

@MerryMaker happy to make friends with people who don't overstep.

OP posts:
MerryMaker · 18/12/2024 19:57

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 19:45

I'm not younger. I'm just really open and friendly and I'm actually looking to make friends and connect. I'm just often too nice to stand up for myself in these situations and then regret it afterwards.

She's crossed the line and thinks she knows better.

She really does not.

But you have said on this thread you do not want to make friends with anyone.

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 19:56

YourWildAmberSloth · 18/12/2024 19:53

Cut contact but stop asking her to help you out - you need a new plan for emergencies.

Only actually asked once and I was very reluctant to ask. I will NEVER ask again, believe me.

OP posts:
YourWildAmberSloth · 18/12/2024 19:53

Cut contact but stop asking her to help you out - you need a new plan for emergencies.

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 19:45

Pensionswew · 18/12/2024 19:27

I think you have been very restrained.
She sounds like a know it all pain in the ass and cheeky fxxker to boot.

Who the hell does she think she is correcting/lecturing your children and telling you that you need to be firmer?

Are you young OP?
Because she rights a lot of parents would be very upset at being lectured at or their children being corrected.

A lot of parents would verbally cut the legs from under her.

I wouldn't be polite.
I would avoid her like the plague and if necessary ask the teacher to keep the children away from each other as the mother is far too intense about the children.

She will only get a LOT worse.
Use the school holidays to mute her and ignore her.

I'm not younger. I'm just really open and friendly and I'm actually looking to make friends and connect. I'm just often too nice to stand up for myself in these situations and then regret it afterwards.

She's crossed the line and thinks she knows better.

She really does not.

OP posts:
thisskiil · 18/12/2024 19:43

MerryMaker · 18/12/2024 19:28

@Pensionswew my guess is the woman is working class and OP is middle class.

No it's not like that. Neither of us is ' working class ' or ' middle class '

OP posts:
arcticpandas · 18/12/2024 19:36

@thisskiil No matter what anyone here thinks OP, you have the right to decide that you do NOT want this woman in your life. It's really hard to understand if she's too much or if you're being oversensitive. I have always offered my help to all mums in the neighbourhood as I was a sahm. Maybe someone thought I was overbearing while others were grateful for the help?

WineNeededPlease · 18/12/2024 19:33

Re school clothes, she was maybe trying to buy you some downtime and be helpful. I'd be so appreciative of that.

WineNeededPlease · 18/12/2024 19:32

She sounds like a really nice Mum who just wants a friend.

I think she sounds lovely and clearly just wants the kids to be close and she obviously is trying to form a bond but maybe is missing social cues from you.

MerryMaker · 18/12/2024 19:28

@Pensionswew my guess is the woman is working class and OP is middle class.

Pensionswew · 18/12/2024 19:27

I think you have been very restrained.
She sounds like a know it all pain in the ass and cheeky fxxker to boot.

Who the hell does she think she is correcting/lecturing your children and telling you that you need to be firmer?

Are you young OP?
Because she rights a lot of parents would be very upset at being lectured at or their children being corrected.

A lot of parents would verbally cut the legs from under her.

I wouldn't be polite.
I would avoid her like the plague and if necessary ask the teacher to keep the children away from each other as the mother is far too intense about the children.

She will only get a LOT worse.
Use the school holidays to mute her and ignore her.

MerryMaker · 18/12/2024 19:17

OP there is nothing wrong with the other woman. I have no idea why you want to paint her as the bad one.
You are not suited as friends, and you do not even want friends. Just don't have any more play dates and dont accept favours. Forget about this.

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 18:55

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 18:54

@TwigletsAndRadishes no I'm not late to pick ups, ever.

As for her questioning my parenting - I have two kids, she's said about the littler one that she needs a ' firmer hand ' for example. Generally she's tried to lecture my kids on stuff and she likes to raise her voice too, which I don't really do in public. She's said stuff like ' oh she needs to go in time out ' when my two have had a fight for example and one pushed the other etc. she is totally mother hen type.

But I don't need that in my life. I have my own mother and I have my own parenting style and I do just fine. I don't need anyone telling me how to handle things with my kids. Unless perhaps I ask - which I never have. She once started lecturing my DD about wanting a different one to the one she'd chosen initially. She was being a bit whiney about it and I was saying gently to her that it's the chocolate she chose and to just got on with it. This mother took it upon herself to really lecture my DD about her choices and behaviour etc in a very stern way. She then said to me ' ah some mums would be funny about me speaking to their kids like that '.. I was said something like ' I guess I did already explain it to her so it probably wasn't necessary ' .. I was too passive. I should have said something like ' yup, no need '. I should have been firmer. So anyway just to give an idea of the dynamic I allowed that particular time.

I just don't like the dynamic. And I know I've allowed that dynamic because I sometimes freeze in the moment.

That was meant to say my DD wanted a different chocolate to the one she had chosen initially.

OP posts:
thisskiil · 18/12/2024 18:54

@TwigletsAndRadishes no I'm not late to pick ups, ever.

As for her questioning my parenting - I have two kids, she's said about the littler one that she needs a ' firmer hand ' for example. Generally she's tried to lecture my kids on stuff and she likes to raise her voice too, which I don't really do in public. She's said stuff like ' oh she needs to go in time out ' when my two have had a fight for example and one pushed the other etc. she is totally mother hen type.

But I don't need that in my life. I have my own mother and I have my own parenting style and I do just fine. I don't need anyone telling me how to handle things with my kids. Unless perhaps I ask - which I never have. She once started lecturing my DD about wanting a different one to the one she'd chosen initially. She was being a bit whiney about it and I was saying gently to her that it's the chocolate she chose and to just got on with it. This mother took it upon herself to really lecture my DD about her choices and behaviour etc in a very stern way. She then said to me ' ah some mums would be funny about me speaking to their kids like that '.. I was said something like ' I guess I did already explain it to her so it probably wasn't necessary ' .. I was too passive. I should have said something like ' yup, no need '. I should have been firmer. So anyway just to give an idea of the dynamic I allowed that particular time.

I just don't like the dynamic. And I know I've allowed that dynamic because I sometimes freeze in the moment.

OP posts:
TwigletsAndRadishes · 18/12/2024 18:40

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 17:57

I've been thinking really hard about what the issue is here, is it the behaviour of being overly helpful that has made me feel this way or is it actually that I don't like her for another reason...

I think it's both.

She's been pretty judgy about my parenting and has kind of been telling my kids off / parenting them / overstepping on several occasions. As well as had quite judgy/ nasty things to say about other parents that I haven't enjoyed.

She's crossed some boundaries in how she speaks to me and my kids- example. I realise I've been on edge the couple of play dates that we've had because she can be quite judgemental. So all those things put together are probably why I'm reacting this way. There was one play date ( we've only had 3 ). And the last one just cemented it with me that I didn't really like her and I'm uncomfortable around her. I've been ignoring my feelings a bit for a while and by the time I got to know her enough to realise that it's not a close friendship I want to peruse, it felt too late. Like I already let her in.

Hmm. It sounds to me as if she has concerns about your parenting and whether or not you are coping or need support? She seems a bit mother hen-like, and you say she's judging you so maybe she's asking lots of questions you find invasive?

Are you often late to pick up your DD? Is this why she's often texting and asking if she can help?

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 18:15

@MerryMaker I don't want that type of friendship with her. I don't think it's reserved for relatives. It's reserved for people I like and feel comfortable around and also it takes a while for a friendship like that to grow, in my opinion.

OP posts:
GroovyChick87 · 18/12/2024 18:13

People will tell you that you are overreacting but in my personal experience, people that do this are doing it to so you owe them something and repay the favour further down the line. I didn't need help from other school parents but I saw myself drawn into an arrangement that benefitted her and not me. You have to be distance yourself from it. Fair enough, you can be friends with her if you want to but if you don't need the extra support, don't give in to it because you are then beholden to her.

MerryMaker · 18/12/2024 18:11

thisskiil · 18/12/2024 14:22

This reminds me, a couple of times she picked up her child and noticed mine hadn't been picked ip yet and it was getting a bit late - so she called and asked if she should pick her up.

I get it's trying to be helpful, but all of it combined is just intense.

I wouldn't ask her the same. I would assume she'd let me know if she was unable to help pick up or had made other arrangements. We are not sisters or that close that we need to he worrying about each others lives like this. I don't know her very well.

You need to stop seeing her and stop asking for favours. But you do seem to have a strange idea that only relatives are close and help each other out. Many friendships are like this. We help each other out.
You do not really want friends. Just acquaintances. That is fine, but this woman wrongly thinks you want to be friends.

CaptainMyCaptain · 18/12/2024 17:58

Catza · 18/12/2024 12:35

I think you are making a very big deal out of nothing. But yes, go ahead and stop contact if you want. You don't need a valid reason to do it.

This.

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