Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty and dickish with XDH about Christmas?

36 replies

StarBridge · 18/12/2024 11:34

Long story short. This is our 3rd Christmas apart. First one we were in the midst of the full horror of divorce. XDH came to us, brought nothing.

Second one, I said XDH could come round to us on Christmas Day but that I was buying gifts for the DC and he should do likewise. Lots of moaning from him about how he's not good at this stuff. He ending up asking what I'd bought for them. He then TOLD them what I'd got in a "your Mum's bought XYZ, what can I get you?" This included things which were going to be surprises. I didn't know until Christmas Day when DC told me.

So this year I'm not telling him a thing. XH is really pissed off by this and says I'm being petty. I mentioned to a friend last night and she clearly thought the same - she said I should tell him the main things and just keep the surprises a secret.

What say you all?

Background: DC are teens, they live with me full time as XDH won't have them overnight. He takes them out for the day sometimes. I find him lazy and irritating and maybe I am being petty as a result. But I feel I should model best behaviour as whatever I do he'll tell the kids.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
OhCobblers · 18/12/2024 16:55

StarBridge · 18/12/2024 11:34

Long story short. This is our 3rd Christmas apart. First one we were in the midst of the full horror of divorce. XDH came to us, brought nothing.

Second one, I said XDH could come round to us on Christmas Day but that I was buying gifts for the DC and he should do likewise. Lots of moaning from him about how he's not good at this stuff. He ending up asking what I'd bought for them. He then TOLD them what I'd got in a "your Mum's bought XYZ, what can I get you?" This included things which were going to be surprises. I didn't know until Christmas Day when DC told me.

So this year I'm not telling him a thing. XH is really pissed off by this and says I'm being petty. I mentioned to a friend last night and she clearly thought the same - she said I should tell him the main things and just keep the surprises a secret.

What say you all?

Background: DC are teens, they live with me full time as XDH won't have them overnight. He takes them out for the day sometimes. I find him lazy and irritating and maybe I am being petty as a result. But I feel I should model best behaviour as whatever I do he'll tell the kids.

Don't tell him anything.
What a useless arsehole he is!

I hope you haven't got to cope with his company on Xmas Day???

Original poster
StarBridge · 18/12/2024 16:50

@Addicted2Sugar He would say he's not had them overnight as he doesn't have room for them to have a room each and they're happier here. I would say he's just incredibly lazy and has never wanted to do actual parenting.

Money never been a problem between us. He pays a fixed sum well over any CMS calculation. But money requires no effort. I'm surprised he's never just given DC cash actually!

OP posts:
wafflesmgee · 18/12/2024 16:15

Yanbu he was and is.
Well done for divorcing.

ElaborateCushion · 18/12/2024 16:12

YANBU.

It doesn't sound like he'd have the wherewithal to come up with duplicated ideas to you, but if it's a possibility, I'd just tell him that as teenagers they'd probably prefer cash anyway. Otherwise, if you've got a list of "spare" ideas you didn't use, there's no real harm in telling him what he can buy, rather than what he can't.

thepariscrimefiles · 18/12/2024 15:42

StarBridge · 18/12/2024 13:40

He was formerly a dear husband. Hence why I had kids with him. Is XDH not a thing? I was just trying to use an abbreviation.

I don't mind him here Christmas Day - we travel to my parents on Boxing Day so it works best. But I hear it loud and clear on the gifts. The kids would indeed love cash but he wouldn't do that.

As he never has the kids overnight, is this reflected in his maintenance payments?

He sounds like a really lazy and uninvolved dad and he's very lucky that you are really nice as I doubt that many other ex-wives would host him for Christmas.

Addicted2Sugar · 18/12/2024 15:42

StarBridge · 18/12/2024 11:34

Long story short. This is our 3rd Christmas apart. First one we were in the midst of the full horror of divorce. XDH came to us, brought nothing.

Second one, I said XDH could come round to us on Christmas Day but that I was buying gifts for the DC and he should do likewise. Lots of moaning from him about how he's not good at this stuff. He ending up asking what I'd bought for them. He then TOLD them what I'd got in a "your Mum's bought XYZ, what can I get you?" This included things which were going to be surprises. I didn't know until Christmas Day when DC told me.

So this year I'm not telling him a thing. XH is really pissed off by this and says I'm being petty. I mentioned to a friend last night and she clearly thought the same - she said I should tell him the main things and just keep the surprises a secret.

What say you all?

Background: DC are teens, they live with me full time as XDH won't have them overnight. He takes them out for the day sometimes. I find him lazy and irritating and maybe I am being petty as a result. But I feel I should model best behaviour as whatever I do he'll tell the kids.

Nope not being petty at all.

One question though, why won't he have his own children overnight?

summer3219 · 18/12/2024 15:38

Why would it be petty? The main advantage of divorcing these incompetent men is that you no longer have to deal with or mitigate for it. He's a grown up, let him figure it out himself ( or not, most likely)

loveawineloveacrisp · 18/12/2024 15:26

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/12/2024 15:19

Nope, tell him nothing. I'd not have him round on Christmas day, otger than to bring presents, have a coffee. Open presents, leave.

I wouldn't even do that. Every time my ex stepped foot in my house he took the piss, so he was barred from even stepping over the threshold.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 18/12/2024 15:19

Nope, tell him nothing. I'd not have him round on Christmas day, otger than to bring presents, have a coffee. Open presents, leave.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 18/12/2024 14:44

Your exh is a dick and so is your friend.

You owe him nothing. Especially given he ruined the surprise last year.

I would simply remind him that he is just as much a parent and if he bothered to spend time with his kids then he would know what they were interested in.

Then ignore.

bigkidatheart · 18/12/2024 14:36

Tell him to take them out for the day shopping or to just give them cash so they can go out and buy what they want

Tootiredmummyof3 · 18/12/2024 14:14

Don't tell him. If he doesn't know what his teenage children are in to by now that's his problem. Why can't he just ask the kids what they want? Or is he incapable of having a conversation with them?

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 18/12/2024 13:48

Massive prick and no yanbu!

ProudScoutMum · 18/12/2024 13:46

You said you have teenagers get them to make an Amazon wishlist and share it with you and their dad. When their Dad says you are being petty remind him "we are divorced now so you not knowing what to purchase for your children is a YOU problem and nothing to do with me and I don't want to get involved, ask your children for suggestions".

Original poster
StarBridge · 18/12/2024 13:40

He was formerly a dear husband. Hence why I had kids with him. Is XDH not a thing? I was just trying to use an abbreviation.

I don't mind him here Christmas Day - we travel to my parents on Boxing Day so it works best. But I hear it loud and clear on the gifts. The kids would indeed love cash but he wouldn't do that.

OP posts:
loveawineloveacrisp · 18/12/2024 12:29

FGS stop calling him 'XDH' - he isn't 'dear'. And disengage completely. Your kids are teens. Why are you letting him have so much control over your life?

Ellie1015 · 18/12/2024 12:26

Yanbu.

Keep receipts so dc can exchange any duplicate gifts but chances are it will be fine.

Why doesnt he just ask his children what they would like??? He is just being awkward/petty asking you instead of them.

Mostlyoblivious · 18/12/2024 12:19

Well done for losing the deadweight.

Of course you’re not being petty: you are taking a course of action based as a response to your husbands prior performance

JudgeJ · 18/12/2024 12:18

StarBridge · 18/12/2024 11:54

I'm feeling relieved as I've worried about it most of the night.

That's a good idea @SprigatitoYouAndIKnow I just don't like organising everything for and around him. I did that throughout the marriage! But it will solve the issue.

If they're teens then substantial gift tokens or even folding cash, would probably be most acceptable to them, ( and easy enough even for him)

YellowAsteroid · 18/12/2024 12:11

No you are not being petty. He’s a crap father.

DownThePubWithStevieNicks · 18/12/2024 12:06

Is he still coming round to yours on Christmas Day? If you don’t get on, and the kids are teens, why can’t he fetch them to his for a few hours on Christmas or Boxing Day? Then it’s definitely his problem to sort out presents and snacks etc.

Shoxfordian · 18/12/2024 12:01

Tell him he needs to get to know his own children sufficiently well to be able to buy them presents then.

SneddlingIntoSpace · 18/12/2024 12:01

I think @SprigatitoYouAndIKnow has nailed it going forward and I would absolutely message him what @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius said so that he knows exactly why you are not helping him this year. What he did was petty and completely shit thing to do.

We have adult children, 21 and 18 and we have a massive surprise gift for them this year and I would be so upset if someone told them what it was.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 18/12/2024 11:59

Well obviously don't tell him.
Time to let him grow a backbone and stand on his own two feet.
And that applies to everything, OP, not just Christmas. (A backbone is for life!)

FetchezLaVache · 18/12/2024 11:56

As is often the case, @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius absolutely has it.