Does DH spend too much time gaming? Or is this fine?

What do you mean 'some may say'? Of course reading is a solitary activity (unlessvyourvreadingbiutloudvtobeachbother 🤣🤣) and knitting unless you can talk & knit without getting huffy.

@Toomuchgametime

have you said to him you know he's gaming in work time, which means he's then working in the early evening when you'd like him to be engaged with you & the kids?

you can't make him exercise, unless maybe you ask him to do more if the dog walking?

I think you're using the health issue to mask what you're really thinking? Preferring to game than spend time with you? You find it childish? You get the ick? Whatever.

what sort of games does he play??

Does he complain about being tired?11pm isn't late for an adult to go to bed, neither is 1 a couple of times a week.

your teen is a teen, your DH is an adult.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he is doing at all.

If he were ignoring the OP in favour of gaming, that would be a problem for their relationship. But he isn’t, he’s gaming when she goes to bed.

He’s having fun with friends with a hobby he can do from home at no drain on household resources. It’s better than slumped in front of the telly every night or doomscrolling.

In this case then YABU, it’s not interfering with time with you because you’re in bed, it sounds like he’s very present for the kids and hard working

This sounds pretty similar to my husband - but he is quite active and exercises most days. He games on and off throughout the day and also after the kids are in bed. We don't spend an awful lot of time together but neither of us are particularly sociable after the work / driving kids to ballet or whatever / etc so it wouldn't really matter if he was gaming or watching nonsense on telly.

The only part that would annoy me is that he's gaming during the day and therefore not around from 5-8pm. My husband would never do that - the gaming fits around the rest of it.

For activity - what about video game sports together even just to try to bridge the gap? Get an old school Wii? Switch sports?

A friend and his son play the pokemon catching game thing on his phone on the weekends - keeps them active but there's a 'goal' and points and whatnot.

DH and I often spend our evenings gaming together, it's our preferred hobby once kids are in bed. We don't tend to watch TV much, so I guess it's just what we do instead.

If the daytime gaming is delaying him finishing then that is BU but if he would finish then regardless and the gaming is just filling in lulls in activity that kind of naturally occur during the day where I might do some Mumsnet scrolling or whatever then it wouldn't bother me.

I'd find it hard though that due to your different bedtime schedules, you don't seem to spend any evenings together at all, which is what would bother me, not what he was choosing to do when you aren't around anyway.

We watch " Wolf Hall" together being the snobs that we are!

I think the point is not what you do in your own home @JubileeJuice but what the OP finds unattractive in a partner, which is a sedentary gamer. It's not personal, it's just her personal preference.

What's "grim" is someone who judges adults for gaming. You know...? Playing those games where most are 18+ because they're for children? Gaming is great for many reasons and is far better for the brain than slouched in front of a TV, passively absorbing nothing.

Also what's with Mumsnet and the word, "Grim"? I've never heard anyone say it in real life.

So he does well at work, doesn't game in front of the kids, pulls his weight at home, walks the dog daily, agrees to screen free mealtimes and is a good husband and father, and you want to control what he does when you are in bed?! Wow.

I game 3-4 nights a week with friends, after work and tea. It's my socialisation as I'm disabled and housebound. My DH either games with us, or does his own thing. I'd be furious if he tried to take that away from me.

I don’t watch Bridgerton …?

I have known someone who has admitted that they used to game constantly because they were probably depressed, rather than spend time with family.

As opposed to watching Bridgerton? Gaming uses lots of skills, reaction times, memory, problem solving , teamwork and social.

I do read and play video game a bit and agree that one activity is not necessarily better than the other. I often read chick lit (on my commute to work) and my husband couldn't care less about it and has zero desire to discuss it with me. We both play Don't Starve game (during DC nap in the weekend) and actually discuss survival strategies together.

You can game together! There are loads of great co operative games, why should he watch Tv with you if you won’t game with him?! I’m big into watching TV myself while DH is more of a gamer, it is his downtime and social aspect of catching up with his LD friends.

He never puts gaming before family time and we often game together as a family, working on puzzle games together etc. I am glad to have a partner that can get involved with the kids in Minecraft, Fortnite etc rather than not having a clue about their interests.

Reading is slightly different because it is acquiring knowledge which can then be shared. We often talk about books or newspaper articles we've read. Warhammer figures are probably in the same category as gaming. We enjoy model cars and puzzles but these are activities we do together. My partner watches ridiculous amount of TV and I equally hate it.

Gaming when you are asleep is fine.

Gaming in the daytime when he is working is also fine - if he has a quiet time BUT if it’s making him work late so he isn’t finishing at a reasonable time then that does need to be addressed.

Gaming has a proper stigma on MN that if you do it you are childish, lazy etc.. yet nobody would bat an eyelid if he was sat reading a book or watching a film/ box set for hours… 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can be active without doing sports or the gym. Go out for a good long walk on a Sunday with the dog and kids or go biking.

No posters wouldn't think it's grim. The only acceptable past time on here is lego and washing towels/sheets.

You're coming across as quite controlling. I wish that you'd have reversed the sexes and be a man wanting his wife to do more exercise. You'd have had different answers.

You read and go to bed very early, but he can't game, while you sleep.
I'm a female gamer and my youngest DD is. It's better than the shite on TV. As long as he is engaging with the children and does his share to earn and run the house, he gets to decide his downtime. Posters on here need to read the latest research on gaming and problem solving on a screen being as good for the brain as doing crosswords.

So your tucked up in bed, he doesn't need to sleep, what should he be doing?

So, he could finish work at 6 if he wasn’t gaming during work hours, then has an hour off and then starts gaming again again at 9. I couldn’t be with someone like this personally.

I read a lot and also go to a book club but not every evening.

Can I ask, if you replaced gaming with reading, or painting little Warhammer figures, or any other singular activity, would you still consider it "grim"?

Is he depressed? He’d rather spend time in a virtual reality than actual reality. And there doesn’t seem to be any couple time.

A couple of hours gaming a day is fine.

He shouldn't be playing during the day, as it is impacting family time.

Health and exercise is a different thing entirely - for some reason it's considered ok to be doing pretty much anything that is completely sedentary so long as it's not gaming. But you can't force someone to exercise if they don't want to.

You can, and you should, set aside some time together.

Both my husband and I game. We also make time to watch a film together or whatever. I also read a lot. None of those leisure activities are any better than the other.

If you go to bed at 9, then it's his choice how he spends his free time. An 11pm bed time isn't unreasonable, and 1am once a week won't kill you. You say he will happily switch to a film if suggested.

People here saying gaming isn't the same as watching TV are kidding themselves. TV is just more socially acceptable for adults. At least with a game you're having to think, and often there's a social element.

The daytime gaming is more problematic as it cuts into family time and prolongs his day. He needs to curb this, as a longer work day means less time as a family and on chores.

I'm a 31yo woman. I'm currently on maternity leave. My wife gets home about 5.30, so we hang out as a family until 8pm when baby goes to bed. We chat for an hour, then I typically game 9-11 after my wife is in bed and don't see why it's an issue or any different than watching a movie. I also go out one evening a week to play board games or DnD. I tend not to game on a weekend. If my wife asked me not to game I wouldn't and we might play a board game or bake or something instead.

Surely being married is spending time together. Not necessarily daily but often.