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AIBU?

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Original poster

Partners autistic son

333 replies

Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:26

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 17/12/2024 23:53

Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:48

That’s just the type of person I am I could never see the kid starve or not have nice experiences/trips and I know he hasn’t got a penny to his name cos he hasn’t been to work, he only does bits and bobs for his friend cash in hand but hasn’t even done that cos his son is down. The kids mum is just an absolutely vile woman with 8 children and never worked a day in her life so I know back home he isn’t exactly getting to do nice things so when he’s here I just wana make him smile! But it always seems to be me paying everything, feeding him, replacing clothes or football boots etc. my partner just sits smoking weed on Xbox! It’s so fustrating to watch. The whole situation is crazy I honestly don’t know how I am in it. I love he loves his children and I do always want them to come first, but the keeping him off school because he decided he doesn’t want to go back, letting him stay up till all hours, co sleeping with him cos he likes sleeping with his dad. It’s all putting a rod in his own back! Not even coming to the hospital with me as I was losing the baby because his son wouldn’t let him go out. It’s too much. A 6yr old needs discipline and boundaries. He’s a great kid but literally there are zero rules when it comes to him! I don’t know much about autism but surely this can’t be helping him?!

Show quote history

Oh come on OP - please read this and see you’re being taken for an absolute mug. Why on earth would you want to get involved with this dysfunctional bunch and pay for the privilege?

This has got red flags than a communist party rally - he’s showing you who he is and you’re refusing to see it.

He is a cocklodger in waiting - please wake up. Why the fuck are you buying his son basic items while his dad acts like a dosser? Can’t buy his kid food but he can afford his drug habit. He’s already abusing you - and you’re rolling over and letting him.

Seriously raise your bar out of the gutter and dump this scrounger. He’s very very very bad news

ViolinSpin · 17/12/2024 23:53

Just read your update @Dinero86 .
It seems this man brings nothing to the relationship. Why do you want to be with him?

LazJaz · 17/12/2024 23:53

OP I am so sorry about your miscarriage.

What you describe of his parenting is not acceptable parenting for any child aged 5, but really especially for an autistic child. Boundaries, rules, consistency, anxiety reduction, and whatever support needed for him specifically (OT etc).it sounds like he needs advice from a professional on why his son doesn’t want to adhere to an age and needs appropriate schedule or return to his mothers.

Massive red flag - this man needs to get his parenting in order with his existing kids, as his priority. Sorry OP, I think you will have to accept that this isn’t going to be the relationship for you just now.

autism is genetic (mother of an autistic child, strong family history). If you were to stay with him and try again for a baby, you might want to prepare yourself for this genetic heritability. He has not (from the evidence provided) shown himself as a good father to an autistic child.

Maray1967 · 17/12/2024 23:53

You need to leave this drug user.

And I’m wondering why a bloke with three kids is so keen to move in and start a new family. Please have a good look at this situation. He didn’t pit you first when you miscarried - and he isn’t really putting his son first either. Gaming with his 5 year old and not taking him to school is not putting him first.

murasaki · 17/12/2024 23:52

I bet the mother thanks her lucky stars that the OP has come along.

Greenfingers37 · 17/12/2024 23:51

You know what you need to do. Bin him.

murasaki · 17/12/2024 23:51

You need to work on your self esteem, genuinely. He is a bottom feeder. What would you risk what you have for him? But you are going to be one of those women who starts a new thread in 2 years time, seemingly surprised that he's taken your money down the pub and found a new home....please don't be that person.

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2024 23:48

I bet the mother is worried sick. She could wind up in jail because he refuses to send the kid to school. Probably does this shit in order to worry her. Plus, when you voice your concerns- he shouts at you!

Get away from this horrible person. Send him packing. He's a major dick and he'll ruin your life if you don't get rid. I'm so sorry for your loss but, if you'd had a kid with this loser you'd be tied to him.

Get him out.

Original poster
Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:48

TwistedWonder · 17/12/2024 23:38

Why are you paying for a man you don’t live with and his DS who has two parents?

Sorry OP but he’s an irresponsible father and this isn’t a man you should be having more children with when he doesn’t parent the ones he’s already got.

He seems like he’s a freeloader as well. Do you really want to bankroll a cocklodger? Because that’s a distinct possibility

So many red flags with this one

Cut you losses, this will only get worse

Edited

That’s just the type of person I am I could never see the kid starve or not have nice experiences/trips and I know he hasn’t got a penny to his name cos he hasn’t been to work, he only does bits and bobs for his friend cash in hand but hasn’t even done that cos his son is down. The kids mum is just an absolutely vile woman with 8 children and never worked a day in her life so I know back home he isn’t exactly getting to do nice things so when he’s here I just wana make him smile! But it always seems to be me paying everything, feeding him, replacing clothes or football boots etc. my partner just sits smoking weed on Xbox! It’s so fustrating to watch. The whole situation is crazy I honestly don’t know how I am in it. I love he loves his children and I do always want them to come first, but the keeping him off school because he decided he doesn’t want to go back, letting him stay up till all hours, co sleeping with him cos he likes sleeping with his dad. It’s all putting a rod in his own back! Not even coming to the hospital with me as I was losing the baby because his son wouldn’t let him go out. It’s too much. A 6yr old needs discipline and boundaries. He’s a great kid but literally there are zero rules when it comes to him! I don’t know much about autism but surely this can’t be helping him?!

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 17/12/2024 23:47

Oh for goodness sake ! and now you are subsidising your boyfriend.

Next !

there are plenty of decent good men out there - find one.

murasaki · 17/12/2024 23:47

Yes, some serious contraception needs to be used. Although personally mine is clamping shut at the mere thought of him.

He sees you as a free ride in terms of money, will prioritise his kids (rightly) while expecting you to pay for them and not have any input into behaviour management, and when you eventually have had enough, move onto the next victim. Sorry but he is a walking red flag.

crumblingschools · 17/12/2024 23:46

If he is not working how does he afford his own place? Do you really see him as good dad material if he was happy to move so far away from his kids?

MsMajeika · 17/12/2024 23:43

I just find both of their parenting skills shocking!

I'm sorry for your loss, but you've had a glimpse of what your child's future will be like if you have a baby with this man and you invariably split up.

Surely this isn't the life you want for yourself?

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/12/2024 23:43

He's got 3 kids already, the youngest (?) one is clearly missing him terribly since he chose to move away from him, and now he wants another one barely a year later?

Chuck him back, he seems to collect kids like keyrings.

ViolinSpin · 17/12/2024 23:42

@Dinero86 His reaction to your loss tells you all you need to know. I'm very sorry for your loss and having to go through it with no support sounds awful.

Don't have a child with this man. Im sorry to say but your relationship doesn't sound healthy - please take care of yourself and think very carefully before having unprotected sex with him again.

Do you think a child would bring you closer or would you be left tied to him and raising a child alone?

YIP · 17/12/2024 23:40

Sounds like a shit dad and you’d be mad to start a family with him imo. He’s moved miles away from his current kids… that’s not putting them first is it?

He sounds like a cross between a Disney dad, an absent father and a 20 year old all rolled in to one.

Disaster written all over it. Red flag galore. Steer well clear and wait for someone who will put their kids first and start a family with them.

Guest100 · 17/12/2024 23:39

You are paying for him!!!
Get out now. Today. Don’t wait for Christmas.

murasaki · 17/12/2024 23:39

Ah, so he doesn't work either. Run from this. You are worth more. In reality, you've been nominally together for 5 months, after he moved, he's let you down when you needed him most, and you will never come first. And now he wants to move in and play xbox all day in your house.

You deserve more than this

Original poster
Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:39

Guest100 · 17/12/2024 23:36

He isn’t the one for you. This is his life, and it’s not going to change anytime soon. Don’t date someone with kids. There are plenty of childless men out there who can disappoint you without being stuck with someone else’s children.

It’s not about the kids. I absolutely adore his children. It’s the situation with this particular one is just extremely stressful and the lack of boundaries within it.

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 17/12/2024 23:38

Why are you paying for a man you don’t live with and his DS who has two parents?

Sorry OP but he’s an irresponsible father and this isn’t a man you should be having more children with when he doesn’t parent the ones he’s already got.

He seems like he’s a freeloader as well. Do you really want to bankroll a cocklodger? Because that’s a distinct possibility

So many red flags with this one

Cut you losses, this will only get worse

Original poster
Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:38

cadburyegg · 17/12/2024 23:33

My children are NT so maybe I shouldn't be speaking on this but the families I know with autistic children don't allow them to miss school for FIVE WEEKS (wtf!!!) and have a routine and a proper bedtime, and certainly don't allow them to play on the Xbox into the night.

Maybe you have found out why his relationship with his son's mum failed. He's not a good dad op and won't be to your children either.

This is exactlyyyyy my point. I just replied this to someone above. Like I just find both of their parenting skills shocking! He may be autistic but that doesn’t mean he can’t be told no and be put into a routine and not just everyone do whatever he likes. I love the kid to bits but this just isn’t normal and I literally am not allowed a say.

OP posts:
Guest100 · 17/12/2024 23:36

He isn’t the one for you. This is his life, and it’s not going to change anytime soon. Don’t date someone with kids. There are plenty of childless men out there who can disappoint you without being stuck with someone else’s children.

RatRatPig · 17/12/2024 23:36

It's right that he puts his child first.

On the other hand, it sounds like he is not a great parent (and/or doesn't share your values when it comes to parenting), and he shouts at you. I don't think you should have a child with this man, and I think you should probably end it.

Original poster
Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:35

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 17/12/2024 23:29

This relationship has no future, OP, and I think you already know this.

Find someone who will put you first, and who doesn’t have overwhelming responsibilities already.

It’s really really difficult!! I do love this man but he is unwilling to listen or anything. Ontop of is he isn’t even going to work whilst his son is down, so I am left paying for everything for them both as he doesn’t have a penny to his name. Whilst they sit up on Xbox until early hours of the morning and chill all day. I am working every day and trying my best and it just gets over looked constantly. He isn’t even understanding that none of this is healthy, the child doesn’t even have a routine let alone discipline or boundaries. Sometimes I think are certain things the autism or is just a lack of responsibility on both parents. Baffles me how his mother is fine sending him down here for such long periods with no school aswell. It’s like I’m fighting a losing battle as I don’t really have a say but I’m sat watching a shit show and my life is affected by it.

OP posts:
Pussycat22 · 17/12/2024 23:35

Flogging. Dead. Horse.

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