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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners autistic son

333 replies

Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:26

So I don’t want to come across like I’m not understanding here, I just need some opinions or advice as I genuinely have no idea about this kind of thing and it’s really putting a strain on my relationship not understanding it.

so my partner is from London and moved down to Liverpool in July (off his own back I never asked for this). He has 3 children, 1 of them being an autistic 5yr old. He’s not majorly autistic but he is on the spectrum. Now as much as my partner is a good dad I do feel he doesn’t have ANY boundaries in place for his son. His son comes to visit and will cry to not go home, so he lets him stay and miss school no problem. His son follows him everywhere and goes everywhere with him. He has currently been down for 5weeks now, hasn’t been to school or anything, in which time I had a difficult pregnancy and miscarriage and had NO support cos again - the son was down and didn’t want to go back to his mums. My partner has his own place and so do I, so when his son is down I basically don’t get to see my partner and his son refuses to sleep alone so wants to co sleep in his dads arms all night. He also sits up til all hours playing on the Xbox with no routine. As much as I do love his son and will do anything for him I’m really struggling with the concept of not having any time alone with my partner, I had no support in my pregnancy, I lost my baby alone and even now in my greif I can’t even sit and talk to my partner without “dad, dad, dad”. Haven’t been able to cuddle, sleep next to or even have sex with my partner (sorry to be graphic) I know children should always come first but I am really starting to question if I can do this, there just seems to be no boundaries or discipline or managing of the situation. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way, is this a better way I could view it, what would anyone else do? I genuinely am just looking for advice as I don’t want know what to do. I can’t even speak to my partner about it as he gets defensive and starts shouting at me. He is wanting us to start a family and move in together but there’s absolutely no way I could handle this how it is.

OP posts:
ConfusedBear · 18/12/2024 00:11

Calliopespa · 18/12/2024 00:03

Well in all honesty it isn’t really your business how he raises his kids. It’s your business to observe and decide if you want yours raised that way. Sounds like a no. I just think you aren’t right for each other.

Show quote history

How someone raises their children isn't anyone elses business but if a parent is neglecting their child then that becomes everyone's business.

I think you should split from him and find a way to flag his son to the authorities. Unfortunately I don't know how you would do that. Possibly your local council website has someone you can contact?

VexedofVirginiaWater · 18/12/2024 00:09

Lucyccfc68 · 17/12/2024 23:55

So to sum up your boyfriend:

Numerous children
Crap father
Doesn’t work
Spends most of his time on Xbox
Smokes dope
Doesn’t send his 5 year old to school
Relies on you to financially support him
Got you pregnant and wasn’t bothered when you had a miscarriage

The issue isn’t him spending time with his autistic 5 year old - it’s that he is an utter fucking waste of space.

You can do better.

This about sums it up OP. Please raise your bar - how can you love or respect someone like this or even think for one minute of having children with him. You would end up having the baby in your lunch hour and then going back to work to fund his weed and gaming habit - and probably pay for all his other children too.

Uokhunnnn · 18/12/2024 00:08

Dinero86 · 18/12/2024 00:02

See it’s things like this I genuinely don’t know about and feel like I need to learn cos from a outside view the child just has no bondries or discipline and it really puts a strain on everything

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No, it has nothing to do with autism - it’s shit parenting. Parenting autistic kids can be extremely challenging and requires extra reserves of patience and perseverance, but it doesn’t sound like he can be arsed to put even the minimum level of effort in. I can’t see how much more obvious he needs to make it for you to see how useless he is! I feel desperately sorry for his children.

GoldenSunflowers · 18/12/2024 00:07

Would you be ok with him smoking weed around your child? Because he will.

Are Social Services involved with his other family? Those poor children. They need care and education more than nice experiences.

Ohnobackagain · 18/12/2024 00:05

@Dinero86 this bloke is a chesting, lying, waste of space. The child is the very least of your probems! Seriously @Dinero86 imagine someone told you all this - you would advise them to get out.

PussInBin20 · 18/12/2024 00:04

What on earth do you see in this bloke? And please don’t tell me “you love him” without explaining exactly what you love about him.

murasaki · 18/12/2024 00:04

So she doesn't work and parents her kids inadequately, and so does he. What's the difference?

Calliopespa · 18/12/2024 00:03

Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:38

This is exactlyyyyy my point. I just replied this to someone above. Like I just find both of their parenting skills shocking! He may be autistic but that doesn’t mean he can’t be told no and be put into a routine and not just everyone do whatever he likes. I love the kid to bits but this just isn’t normal and I literally am not allowed a say.

Show quote history

Well in all honesty it isn’t really your business how he raises his kids. It’s your business to observe and decide if you want yours raised that way. Sounds like a no. I just think you aren’t right for each other.

Mandylovescandy · 18/12/2024 00:02

Was expecting to say you were unreasonable as some parenting approaches for autism might come across as not having boundaries (like low demand parenting) but I think your DP is taking that way too far and doesn't sound like it is working well. And you shouldn't be paying for everything

Original poster
Dinero86 · 18/12/2024 00:02

velodrome · 18/12/2024 00:00

To answer your question it’s not unusual to need to cosleep with an autistic child.

See it’s things like this I genuinely don’t know about and feel like I need to learn cos from a outside view the child just has no bondries or discipline and it really puts a strain on everything

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 18/12/2024 00:01

This is one of those threads that I hope is a wind up because I genuinely struggle to believe that anyone would set their bar so low that they think this dysfunctional cocklodging druggy straight out of Shameless is a good choice as a partner and potential father

DeliciousApples · 18/12/2024 00:01

What the others have said.

Sorry for your loss.

Dump this cocklodging lazy arse. Don't have sex or double up on contraception. He's not the one. You can do better. He's using you.
He doesn't love you. He'll always put his autistic son first.
Sorry.

Firebird83 · 18/12/2024 00:00

What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds awful.

velodrome · 18/12/2024 00:00

To answer your question it’s not unusual to need to cosleep with an autistic child.

Original poster
Dinero86 · 18/12/2024 00:00

JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/12/2024 23:56

How do you know she's a 'vile woman'?

How many times have you met her and had deep and meaningful conversations, considering you live in Liverpool and she lives in London?

Or is it just what Cock lodger/Father of the year has told you?

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had many a conversation with her yes, mainly resulting around when we breifly seperated at one point and she slept with him then blackmailed him months lying she was pregnant. Or when she had rang me saying she will “fuck” him whenever she feels like it and only wants “one thing”. Or the fact she has never worked a day in her life and had 8 children which she can’t look after and the kids beg to live with me, teeth rotting out their heads, unwashed and stinking when they come down and I have to go out and buy all new clothes etc. I could continue but I would rather leave it at she is a vile woman 😂

OP posts:
JabbaTheBeachHut · 18/12/2024 00:00

I just don’t know if this is normal for autistic kids to be like this or is it lack of parental control or what?

Why does it matter?

It's how it is either way and you can't handle it which is fair enough.

So bin him.

murasaki · 17/12/2024 23:59

Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:57

LOL the mother is an absolute waste of oxygen. 8 children and doesn’t look after any of them. We’ve FaceTimed the kids in the past and his 2yr old was sat drinkin a baby bottle filled with Coca Cola, she doesn’t even brush their teeth they’re filled with cavities! Honestly it’s raw. Any decent mother would have came down and collected the child and got him back to school, especially with him being autistic he needs more than ever to be educated he can’t even write his own name. It’s a sad situation but without him being a proper parent I just don’t see how we are going to work. Am I meant to just accept these crazy conditions?! Imagine we did live together when we have a child, there is absolutely no chance I am staying in the spare room whilst he co sleeps with his son who he doesn’t wana say no to. Or having him sat up on Xbox until all hours refusing to go to bed. It’s not happening. I just don’t know if this is normal for autistic kids to be like this or is it lack of parental control or what?

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When we have a child is worrying. Do not have a child with him. Just bin him. I don't know how much clearer we can all be. He is not good for you or any woman. Or his children, it seems.

velodrome · 17/12/2024 23:57

Sorry for your loss. He doesn’t sound nice. I think it’s a red flag he’d move so far away from his family in the first place. How was he going to regularly see the kids? That’s massively painful to cope with for the kids. This is a very complicated situation as they grow up that I’d be wary of being involved in.

tsmainsqueeze · 17/12/2024 23:57

No money but smokes weed whilst playing Xbox ,on top of everything else, what a catch.
Do you really need advice about what to do ?

Original poster
Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:57

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2024 23:48

I bet the mother is worried sick. She could wind up in jail because he refuses to send the kid to school. Probably does this shit in order to worry her. Plus, when you voice your concerns- he shouts at you!

Get away from this horrible person. Send him packing. He's a major dick and he'll ruin your life if you don't get rid. I'm so sorry for your loss but, if you'd had a kid with this loser you'd be tied to him.

Get him out.

LOL the mother is an absolute waste of oxygen. 8 children and doesn’t look after any of them. We’ve FaceTimed the kids in the past and his 2yr old was sat drinkin a baby bottle filled with Coca Cola, she doesn’t even brush their teeth they’re filled with cavities! Honestly it’s raw. Any decent mother would have came down and collected the child and got him back to school, especially with him being autistic he needs more than ever to be educated he can’t even write his own name. It’s a sad situation but without him being a proper parent I just don’t see how we are going to work. Am I meant to just accept these crazy conditions?! Imagine we did live together when we have a child, there is absolutely no chance I am staying in the spare room whilst he co sleeps with his son who he doesn’t wana say no to. Or having him sat up on Xbox until all hours refusing to go to bed. It’s not happening. I just don’t know if this is normal for autistic kids to be like this or is it lack of parental control or what?

OP posts:
JabbaTheBeachHut · 17/12/2024 23:56

Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:48

That’s just the type of person I am I could never see the kid starve or not have nice experiences/trips and I know he hasn’t got a penny to his name cos he hasn’t been to work, he only does bits and bobs for his friend cash in hand but hasn’t even done that cos his son is down. The kids mum is just an absolutely vile woman with 8 children and never worked a day in her life so I know back home he isn’t exactly getting to do nice things so when he’s here I just wana make him smile! But it always seems to be me paying everything, feeding him, replacing clothes or football boots etc. my partner just sits smoking weed on Xbox! It’s so fustrating to watch. The whole situation is crazy I honestly don’t know how I am in it. I love he loves his children and I do always want them to come first, but the keeping him off school because he decided he doesn’t want to go back, letting him stay up till all hours, co sleeping with him cos he likes sleeping with his dad. It’s all putting a rod in his own back! Not even coming to the hospital with me as I was losing the baby because his son wouldn’t let him go out. It’s too much. A 6yr old needs discipline and boundaries. He’s a great kid but literally there are zero rules when it comes to him! I don’t know much about autism but surely this can’t be helping him?!

Show quote history

How do you know she's a 'vile woman'?

How many times have you met her and had deep and meaningful conversations, considering you live in Liverpool and she lives in London?

Or is it just what Cock lodger/Father of the year has told you?

murasaki · 17/12/2024 23:56

Look onto the freedom project online, OP. You clearly have boundary issues, but this could help

Lucyccfc68 · 17/12/2024 23:55

So to sum up your boyfriend:

Numerous children
Crap father
Doesn’t work
Spends most of his time on Xbox
Smokes dope
Doesn’t send his 5 year old to school
Relies on you to financially support him
Got you pregnant and wasn’t bothered when you had a miscarriage

The issue isn’t him spending time with his autistic 5 year old - it’s that he is an utter fucking waste of space.

You can do better.

Pinkbonbon · 17/12/2024 23:55

Dinero86 · 17/12/2024 23:35

It’s really really difficult!! I do love this man but he is unwilling to listen or anything. Ontop of is he isn’t even going to work whilst his son is down, so I am left paying for everything for them both as he doesn’t have a penny to his name. Whilst they sit up on Xbox until early hours of the morning and chill all day. I am working every day and trying my best and it just gets over looked constantly. He isn’t even understanding that none of this is healthy, the child doesn’t even have a routine let alone discipline or boundaries. Sometimes I think are certain things the autism or is just a lack of responsibility on both parents. Baffles me how his mother is fine sending him down here for such long periods with no school aswell. It’s like I’m fighting a losing battle as I don’t really have a say but I’m sat watching a shit show and my life is affected by it.

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Love he DOES understand. He GETS IT. He us gaslighting you! Pretending you are the one with issues. He wants you to think your needs, expectations and feelings are unworthy and invalid. This allowing him to stay rent free with his 3 kids in your home!

Do you think anyone is so stupid that they think its OK to move themselves in with their partner at 6 months, with their kids and pay no bills? Of course not! Do you actually think anyone, who isn't fucking lying to you, would say you were bring unfair to say NO to that shit?

He's fucking with you. It's abuse btw. Acting like your feelings don't matter. Who the fuck does this dickhead think he is?

Love? There's nothing to love about him!
Love yourself ffs! Don't let an evil bastard like him take the piss for one day longer.

Uokhunnnn · 17/12/2024 23:54

Fuuuuuuck that, OP. He sounds like a total freeloader and a crap parent to boot. Autistic kids need strong, predictable boundaries, not hours in front of the bloody Xbox - that is bordering on neglect. Poor child. Get rid of this man, it isn’t going to work from everything you’ve said.
Also, I’m very sorry for your loss 💐

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