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Original poster

What time do you expect your partner home from a night out?

209 replies

Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:09

My partner has gone on Christmas do with his work mates tonight at some pub I don’t know where. He never goes out so I’m totally fine with this.

He has been working a lot of overtime recently (12 hour shifts) and I am home with DS (2 years old) all day every day and he clings me to constantly. We don’t have anyone to have him for us so I don’t get a break.

ive been out more than DP has throughout the relationship, but not much (I can’t remember the last time I went out) and was always home around 9PM after originally going out late afternoon.

He left for the do this morning at 10.50am, and is still out now. I text him at 7:40pm after I hadn’t heard a peep from him all day (I don’t expect him to text me all day long while he’s out, but one text would have been nice) asking when he expects to be back home because I have to lock the door if I go to bed (there’s only one key). He told me he will be back in another few hours and is audibly very drunk.

Just feeling a bit pissed off. I haven’t had a break without DS for a very long time and he’s very clingy (I love him to bits) and he’s been able to go out from morning till late at night drinking while I’m still home with DS. I understand he also needs a break but where is mine? Is going out in the morning and returning home late at night when you have a 2 year old and partner unreasonable?

Sure the brigade will be along soon to call me insecure and controlling (not sure how when I left him alone all day and didn’t call him until nearly 8PM).

Also pissed off he expects me to sit up and wait for him without giving me a time, clearly late though, to let him back in, when I’m absolutely shattered.

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 17/12/2024 20:20

If dh was out with work mates or friends I’d expect him home after shutting time at the pub.

its Christmas , I’d go to bed and hopefully he’d phone when he was at the door. I wouldn’t be leaving the door unlocked and going to bed.

FiveTreeHill · 17/12/2024 20:19

I think it's just all about communication before hand really when you have DC

I would expect him home when he says, if he says it's going to be a night out fine, but if he said a quick drink and didn't turn up till 3am without telling me I'd be pissed. If a small night out turns into a big one I would expect him to contact me to check that was okay in terms of caring for the DC. I would also expect equalish downtime

Why do men always go out with keys?

Original poster
Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:19

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 17/12/2024 20:18

You aren't being controlling etc, it is common decency to give you an approximate time.

That said, if you don't live in the ghetto just go to bed and leave the door unlocked.

The problem is I have an abusive mother who makes a habit of turning up drunk and being abusive so if I leave the door unlocked then she could get in. That’s why I don’t want to do that.

OP posts:
Hwx · 17/12/2024 20:19

For the few nights a year it happens it doesn't really make much difference to me whether it's 9pm or 1am. The dinner / clear up / bedtime was the bit where I would prefer another adult around for so once that's over I wouldn't really mind as long as they would take at least an equal role parenting the following morning.
That wouldn't be the case if I had to wait up for them though! Since you say its him who lost a key then I think it's fair to ask him to come home before your normal bedtime.

PosiePetal · 17/12/2024 20:19

Late/early morning probably but I wouldn't wait up. As others have said, leave a key out.

Temporaryname158 · 17/12/2024 20:19

If I rarely went out I’d be very annoyed to be given a time to come home by.

the fact there is only 1 key is an issue you both as adults need to resolve as that’s silly!

Original poster
Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:18

leia24 · 17/12/2024 20:16

The fact your child clings to you and you don't get a break isn't relevant today as your partner had plans and wont be in a state for parenting on their return home anyway. Also its only 8pm. I'd expect them home late and probably not to really hear from them until they arrive. A text to say they're having fun and will be out late would be appreciated but no significance if not in my opinion

I didn’t say he will parent him when he returns. I stated I don’t get a break from toddler and he rarely stays home with him while I go out and certainly not 11am till late at night.

OP posts:
Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 17/12/2024 20:18

You aren't being controlling etc, it is common decency to give you an approximate time.

That said, if you don't live in the ghetto just go to bed and leave the door unlocked.

cariadlet · 17/12/2024 20:18

If there's somewhere safe to leave the key, do that and text him the location.
Otherwise, lock up; go to bed and tell him to phone you when he gets home

I agree with pp that the real problem is only having one key. Nothing wrong with him having an occasional night out and coming home late (as long as it's not too much of a habit and you also get the nights out that you want) but absolutely no need for you to wait up for him.

redgingerbread · 17/12/2024 20:18

Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:16

So will it then be acceptable for me to leave at 11am in the morning and come home at daft o clock silly drunk while he stays home with the toddler then?

Show quote history

Yes, as long as you have your own key it would be fine for you to go out and him look after the toddler. It’s ridiculous that you don’t each have a key to your own home.

Nicknacky · 17/12/2024 20:18

Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:16

So will it then be acceptable for me to leave at 11am in the morning and come home at daft o clock silly drunk while he stays home with the toddler then?

Show quote history

Why wouldn’t it? I’m really not seeing the issue here. If you want a day out, have one.

Just dont grudge your partner one just because you choose not to do the same

RedandGreenBauble · 17/12/2024 20:18

Okay, you definitely need to get another key cut so you can just head to bed and not worry about when he’s coming home.

He should definitely be sending a quick text to stay in touch.

You are certainly owed your own day/ night out - do it! Check the diary and when he’s next off (and you are obviously) go and do something - meet friends, go to another city, if possible and he’s off the next day - stay in a hotel - you deserve a break too x

Original poster
Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:17

ApolloandDaphne · 17/12/2024 20:15

So he will be back by 9? I would reckon up to 10 would be reasonable.

No he won’t, he told me he will be back “in a few hours” and has been out since 11 this morning.

OP posts:
RachelGreensHair · 17/12/2024 20:17

I can understand why he wants to stay out later today.

Original poster
Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:16

Nicknacky · 17/12/2024 20:15

Why is it an issue though? You say yourself he never goes out.

Show quote history

So will it then be acceptable for me to leave at 11am in the morning and come home at daft o clock silly drunk while he stays home with the toddler then?

OP posts:
leia24 · 17/12/2024 20:16

The fact your child clings to you and you don't get a break isn't relevant today as your partner had plans and wont be in a state for parenting on their return home anyway. Also its only 8pm. I'd expect them home late and probably not to really hear from them until they arrive. A text to say they're having fun and will be out late would be appreciated but no significance if not in my opinion

Kangarude · 17/12/2024 20:16

You said that you’ve been out more than him. It’s just one occasion so let him enjoy his do

Petitchat · 17/12/2024 20:16

Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:09

My partner has gone on Christmas do with his work mates tonight at some pub I don’t know where. He never goes out so I’m totally fine with this.

He has been working a lot of overtime recently (12 hour shifts) and I am home with DS (2 years old) all day every day and he clings me to constantly. We don’t have anyone to have him for us so I don’t get a break.

ive been out more than DP has throughout the relationship, but not much (I can’t remember the last time I went out) and was always home around 9PM after originally going out late afternoon.

He left for the do this morning at 10.50am, and is still out now. I text him at 7:40pm after I hadn’t heard a peep from him all day (I don’t expect him to text me all day long while he’s out, but one text would have been nice) asking when he expects to be back home because I have to lock the door if I go to bed (there’s only one key). He told me he will be back in another few hours and is audibly very drunk.

Just feeling a bit pissed off. I haven’t had a break without DS for a very long time and he’s very clingy (I love him to bits) and he’s been able to go out from morning till late at night drinking while I’m still home with DS. I understand he also needs a break but where is mine? Is going out in the morning and returning home late at night when you have a 2 year old and partner unreasonable?

Sure the brigade will be along soon to call me insecure and controlling (not sure how when I left him alone all day and didn’t call him until nearly 8PM).

Also pissed off he expects me to sit up and wait for him without giving me a time, clearly late though, to let him back in, when I’m absolutely shattered.

We've been happily married for 32 years and my DH would have sent one or two texts by now, just to let me know he's ok.

It's just considerate and respectful.....

ApolloandDaphne · 17/12/2024 20:15

So he will be back by 9? I would reckon up to 10 would be reasonable.

Nicknacky · 17/12/2024 20:15

Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:14

I would expect him to still be out at 8PM if he went out in the afternoon, but he went out at 11am this morning and told me he’s still going to be houra yet.

Show quote history

Why is it an issue though? You say yourself he never goes out.

YIP · 17/12/2024 20:15

I can’t believe there’s only one key.

SnapdragonToadflax · 17/12/2024 20:15

I would say you're being unreasonable expecting him to come home early from a work night out, especially as he doesn't go out much. However I do remember how boring, frustrating and isolating I found maternity leave, and you've done two years of that.

I would let him get on with it tonight, but tell him tomorrow that you're having a few hours off at the weekend or whenever you're next free to do so. Not necessarily a boozy night out - just time off without the baby. You should have equal free time.

Original poster
Tiredmummyx · 17/12/2024 20:14

Nicknacky · 17/12/2024 20:12

The issue is you have one key. Sort that and then for the one night a year he goes out you can go to bed.

Its only 8pm, he might be home soon

I would expect him to still be out at 8PM if he went out in the afternoon, but he went out at 11am this morning and told me he’s still going to be houra yet.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 17/12/2024 20:14

There was a thread the other day where the DP had gone out and had no keys.

People need to keep their own keys and problems like this wouldn't happen. It's not that difficult.

DelicateSoundOfEchos · 17/12/2024 20:14

I don't "expect" him home at any particular time. He's an adult and is capable of staying out until whatever time he likes. Our only expectation, mutually, is that if we have plans the following morning they aren't impacted.

I sure as shit wouldn't be getting moody because he isn't home at 9pm. But nor would I be home at that time from a night out either.

Why do you only have 1 key? And what's actually stopping you from going out yourself?