Marriage for older couple with large wealth disparity

I know a couple in near enough exact same position , seriously they were a lovely couple until marriage was on the cards

Both looking to their second marriages, both with adult children. He had his own business and is pretty well off, she on NMW. He already had to make huge payments to wife no 1 and was obviously wanting to protect what he had rebuilt for his children, she wanted a complete 50/50. He refused, she walked

My own mother not only took dad for everything, then went and married a divorced man who had a sole daughter and because when he died, he had been putting together a will, he died intestate and mum copped the lot - including family heirlooms . His daughter and granddaughter were left nothing, not even a photograph album :( ( hopefully when mum passes I can change that )

Dont do it and if you really want to marry this woman, get proper legal advice

Sorry havent read the thread but had to reply from my own life experience

@JustSomeRamdomGuy, please.

To be 3.5 years into a relationship and already had a year of couples counselling suggests that you and your partner are not a good enough match for the relationship to be heading towards marriage.

The discussions and ultimatum further indicates that you and she have conflicting expectations. It seems that she is unwilling to compromise. Which is always a bad sign. Once you give in your will be expected to do that again and again. The ability to compromise is an crucial factor in successful relationships/marriages.

I get that you like/love your partner. But you need to realise that love is not enough to overcome what looks like fundamental incompatibility.

Love does not conquer all.

Compatibility is way more important.

From what you have said, there is more than than a wealth disparity, there is a disparity of values.

I think that you have clearly ignored red flags either through wanting things to work out regardless.

Needing to have couples counselling, starting two threads on MN, plus receiving an ultimatum within this relationship are not the ingredients that will lead to a loving happy marriage.

Is there a way to maintain the current status quo? Enjoy the relationship but there's no need to change the status by living together etc if it is the cause of friction.

OP, I mean this kindly, but I think you are upset because you don't want to accept the reality of the situation.

If someone threatens to leave you if you don't do XYZ then that is a massive red flag. It sounds abusive.

I think you need to challenge her on exactly why she has suddenly changed her mind about getting married. Suddenly it's a 'top priority', after previously agreeing that it's not important at all. That's not normal, it's highly suspicious.

She doesn't even know how much money I have.

Are you sure about that? Why else is she suddenly so keen to get married after previously not wanting to?

She's found out OP. Don't be a mug.

I thought the same as everyone else until you said she doesn’t know how much you have - is it at all possible that she thinks that your wealth is not dissimilar and therefore doesn’t see why you are making a fuss (in her eyes) ? Not that I want you to clutch at straws ! It doesn’t sound like you should be marrying one another at all at the moment . Relations really aren’t meant to be so hard OP . Yes there are rocky moments and arguments - we are all human after all - but not like this

I was ready to disagree with you when I started reading but actually your suggestion sounds completely fair. She seems to have a hidden agenda. Much lower amounts than in your case, but I paid for the deposit on mine and DH first house and we have a 'declaration of trust' against this money. It's sensible and only fair.

OMG OP, DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN!

Why is she suddenly so keen to get married and share finances? You don't have children together, so unless you are devoutly religious there is absolutely no reason.

I can't believe she threatened to leave you if you don't marry her.

Spoiler: she's a manipulative, gold digging bitch

Let her leave. You deserve better.

@JustSomeRamdomGuy

You've only been together 3 1/2 years??? Oh hell no! You don't live together? Double HELL NO! And you're in relationship counseling?? TRIPLE HELL NO!!

IMHO, she's blackmailing you; "Cut me into your money or I will leave you". She may say "if you love me you would" but I'd counter "if you loved me you wouldn't ask". Just remember 'never give in to a blackmailer, they'll always come back for more'.

You'd be a fool to marry this woman when things are so shaky. How do you know she's not planning on marrying you, sitting for a few years, then taking you to the cleaners? If you lived where I do (US) I'd tell you to get a prenup, but I understand they're not enforceable in the UK, they just serve as a 'guideline' in a divorce and I doubt very much if she'd stick to the agreement anyway in the event of a divorce.

You've made your position clear; 'joint income going forward, premarital assets held separately'. If you were in a solid relationship I might say that's not unreasonable. Have you actually spoken to a solicitor about this? Because you certainly should clarify the how 'legally binding' any idea you might come up with is.

At my stage of life I'd NEVER do joint finances. But then again, if I were to become single again I'd never cohabit nor marry again so that's a moot point.

Do married men really need someone to organise their social life, community, friends etc? I would call that a very controlling woman or a weak man!

No love is worth risking 1.5 million for.

When people get together young and have shared experience building wealth and maybe children together it is completely different. DH and I earned very similar levels when we got together. Roll on 30 years and he earns double.

I'm in the same position as a woman and there is no way on God's green earth I'll get married, I'd rather end the relationship. I have to think about my son. He is more important than a partner.
I,m not giving half of my son's inheritance to a man should we get divorced.
Marriage is a contract so yes it is a business deal basically.

We've done 3½ years, never actually lived together (wanted to but were unable to due to circumstances outside our control), and spent most of the last year in couple's counselling.
We're not currently in a place where we should be talking about marriage at all in my opinion.

Oh no, no no. No, no, no. No. Massive red flags.

She sounds greedy and entitled (and that's putting it mildly). Why should she benefit from all your hard work??

Plus, relationships are not supposed to be this hard. Why are you in couples counselling?

Why have you never lived together?

I'd be taking a massive step back.

I would say, talk to a lawyer rather than a bunch of anonymous and irresponsible randoms on the internet, but it seems to be too late for that: she's left, right?

I think when she realises she's over played her hand she'll miraculously change her tune

So do I, @LadyMargaretPoledancer; not many like this would willingly give up their golden goose, but whether OP will be able to see her in quite the same way in future is something else - especially since, having read the other thread, I now believe she's got golddigger written across every pore

Having read the other thread it appears this woman is desperate to get you off her back @JustSomeRamdomGuy. Do her a favour and leave her alone.

Absolutely. The pool of eligible older men is shallower than a puddle so a guy like you would have no problem finding dates with non materialistic women.

I’ve just gone back to your earlier thread and I’m going to say this once and once only. Your dp is an abusive piece of shit. Don’t walk away, run away from them

All this we’ve got nothing in common bullshit. But I’ll consider staying with you if you buy us a big house and marry me??? There is no basis here for a marriage. Call their bluff, tell them you agree, you’ve both got nothing in common and it’s time to call it a day. You’ve got little to gain here and far too much to lose. And for the love of god, make sure that you SOLID contraception if you are continuing to have sex with them.

They will make your life a living hell the minute they have access to your funds. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started physically abusing you as soon as you’ve purchased “their” house.

This is not your soulmate, the relationship with your soulmate does not require counselling within the first few years.

Very suspicious. I’d be questioning her intentions tbh. Be careful.

Pre-nups are hard to enforce OP. So even if you have one to ring-fence your pre-marital assets, if she decides to divorce you and challenge it, she may well win. So I think you're doing the right thing.

I doubt he does not see this. She is not a gold digger. He just keeps pestering her so much for trying that she had enough and told him what the is the only thing she likes about him. Gold diggers won't be that straightforward, a sarcastic-i-had-enough-of-you pestering me woman will do this.

A gold-digger would be all kind and saucy and nice and spicy until got totally believing her and she got the whole lot.

OP I’ve just read your other thread and all I can say is FFS open your eyes. She’s told you she doesn’t like you, doesn’t enjoy being with you and the only think that would make her tolerate you any longer is getting married and having access to all of your money. But you don’t think she’s a gold digger - come on for an intelligent man that’s, you’re acting ridiculously stupidly to consider staying with this brazen grifter

Oh well there you go then. She can see your relationship is on the rocks and sees your money slipping out of her hands. She thinks a quickie wedding will stop her losing access to your money when the two of you break up.

My dad was in a similar position. They both had wills drawn up so that whatever they brought into the marriage went to their children the rest went to each other

I can see it now clearly. She is not a gold digger. She just told you what she wants, to move on, but you keep pestering her to keep trying. Sit and ponder it a bit. If you get married, she will be even more irritated with you since living with a man you really do not like anymore is very very constricting ...I am sorry for you but her also. Why she should be pestered for trying and then given a partial marriage offer. Both of you have to admit it is the end and move on.