Page 6 | Divorce SUCKS

WineNeededPlease · 2024-12-17T18:48:23+00:00

My Husband has multiple affairs, just about destroys my mental sanity and I'm the one that will potentially lose my home and have to downsize with two children and start again. However, he earns mega money and can be pleased to go on and live life and rebuild to the level we've been at. It seems so unfair that men can do this... Quick call from a divorce lawyer and turns out I really cannot afford to leave him and will probably have to keep trying until I break in half. 😔

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:31

No. If you ruin you own mental health what do they have?

MyPithyPoster · 17/12/2024 21:30

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:30

I just so desperately don't want to fuck them up. I want them to be happy and free and have no burdens... I watched my parents go through this and it was awful. I just feel like I've totally ruined their lives.

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YOU haven’t. Part of being a good father is not sticking your penis in other women that aren’t your children’s mother.

Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:30

strawberry2017 · 17/12/2024 21:28

They want him because he's a novelty because he's never there. Staying for them is the worst thing you can do. They will see him treat you like shit repeatedly and think this is normal behaviour, they will then repeat that behaviour in their own relationships. You are not remotely helping them by staying you are showing them you deserve better. They will be much better children because you left and lived a happy life without their arsehole father grinding you down daily.

I just so desperately don't want to fuck them up. I want them to be happy and free and have no burdens... I watched my parents go through this and it was awful. I just feel like I've totally ruined their lives.

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GivingitToGod · 17/12/2024 21:29

Things will get better OP. It's scary when you feel like you are on the edge and about to lose it. Moment by moment, please make sure you are taking care of yourself, eating and sleeping etc
What shines through all your posts is the overwhelming love you have for your children and how their wellbeing is your priority. That will never change and will see them through

MyPithyPoster · 17/12/2024 21:29

The first thing I wish I done differently is saved up have some cash, it doesn’t even need to be a lot. I had an overdraft of two grand and that saw us through the worst of it.
But it would’ve been nice to have had another two grand for the first month rent and deposit as well.

I wish I’d started selling all the things that I ended up having to leave behind so I could only really grab a suitcase for me one each for the kids and the baby stuff was in a rack sack. I could’ve sold off the prams, the engagement ring a lot of of the furniture to raise money to use for me instead of having to leave it. It probably ended up in a skip.
I wish I’d put on a better game face in front of the children. They did see me cry and they didn’t need to and I really regret that.
I regret every fucking tear I ever shed, even though I was crying for the life I was about to lose not him as a person.

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:29

Sorry if I have...

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:28

Are you not in the UK or have I missed that?

strawberry2017 · 17/12/2024 21:28

They want him because he's a novelty because he's never there. Staying for them is the worst thing you can do. They will see him treat you like shit repeatedly and think this is normal behaviour, they will then repeat that behaviour in their own relationships. You are not remotely helping them by staying you are showing them you deserve better. They will be much better children because you left and lived a happy life without their arsehole father grinding you down daily.

Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:27

Thank you for all these lovely comments. I genuinely feel like the most broken person that kind comments on Mumsnet have hit hard and make me feel quite tearful. I've really done my best 😔

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Louve · 17/12/2024 21:27

So sorry to hear you are going through this. You and your children deserve better - there is no justification to ever cheat.

You WILL rebuild a new, happier life with your kids - they are very adaptable at this age. It will take some time and some adjusting, but you will. Lean on any bit of support you can get.

The financial part is the scariest part and a real thing, but you will adapt and so will your children. Your husband should also pay you a good amount of childcare.

Some of my happiest and most well-rounded friends grew up sharing bedrooms with all of their siblings. Sending you big hugs.

azafata2 · 17/12/2024 21:27

Ok. Deep breathe. Control the things you can. What can you control and do right now?

Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:26

@TiramisuThief that comment hits hard. I really needed that. Thank you ❤️

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Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:25

@TiramisuThief they do. They don't ever want me, never at bedtime - they just want him all the time! They scream when he leaves. It makes me feel terrible.

My youngest has real anxiety when he's goes away as he's away so much 😣

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GivingitToGod · 17/12/2024 21:25

TiramisuThief · 17/12/2024 21:24

Yes definitely.

You are solid, reliable, constant. The children feel safe to "ignore" you when he is around because it's so rare.

He's a novelty. You are the backbone of the family.

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THIS

Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:24

@GivingitToGod and massively appreciated as feel like I'm on the edge. I know I'm strong but honestly, I'm in the darkest hour.

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TiramisuThief · 17/12/2024 21:24

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:17

@TiramisuThief really? Do you think that? They're obsessed with him! He's never around... my eldest is becoming more attached with me. But I am there every minute of the day, I adore them and they just worship him.

He's a good Dad though and I wonder if I'm just a bit rubbish sometimes. I can't perform all the time.

Yes definitely.

You are solid, reliable, constant. The children feel safe to "ignore" you when he is around because it's so rare.

He's a novelty. You are the backbone of the family.

GivingitToGod · 17/12/2024 21:23

Harrumphhhh · 17/12/2024 21:20

You CAN afford it and you WILL be fine.

What really helped me was working out the ‘worst case scenario’. For me, that would have meant moving in with my mum (who is lovely) or buying a two bed in a crap area (not ideal, but a roof over our heads).

In the end, I didn’t have to do either of those things, and I’m now lying in the bath, in my OWN house, with savings in the bank and two happy boys tucked up in their bedrooms.

My DC were 5&8 when we split. The younger one can’t really remember life before this, which is sad for me, but not really for him. The older one found it hard. Given the chance again, I’d do it at the sorts of ages yours are, but I WOULD do it.

Life is sooooo much better now: no more resentment, no more wondering where he is (or who he’s with), no more gaslighting. Just me, my boys and our lovely new life.

You can do this.

Great that you have such a happy ending!
Thank you for sharing

Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:23

@GivingitToGod

Thank you, I've actually seen a therapist every week for 3 years. Which may make me seem like I'm mental but it's been my only saving grace but it's not sustainable. She's fabulous.

I just really don't want to fuck my boys up. It's the classic - do I wait or do it when they're older.

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Tubetrain · 17/12/2024 21:21

What do you do for work and how quickly can you improve your earning power?

GivingitToGod · 17/12/2024 21:21

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:12

❤️❤️❤️

So true. It's just so fucking shit. I resent him for this pain.

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These emotions are all so real for the situation you are in OP
You are dealing with a rollercoaster of emotions right now. Have you ever phoned the Samaritans? I have used them several times in the past, day and night and I found their support invaluable. You can phone anytime of day or night and you can just cry your eyes out with them if it helps.
Just a suggestion for your darkest moments.
Take care OP, we are all sending you strength

Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:21

Harrumphhhh · 17/12/2024 21:20

You CAN afford it and you WILL be fine.

What really helped me was working out the ‘worst case scenario’. For me, that would have meant moving in with my mum (who is lovely) or buying a two bed in a crap area (not ideal, but a roof over our heads).

In the end, I didn’t have to do either of those things, and I’m now lying in the bath, in my OWN house, with savings in the bank and two happy boys tucked up in their bedrooms.

My DC were 5&8 when we split. The younger one can’t really remember life before this, which is sad for me, but not really for him. The older one found it hard. Given the chance again, I’d do it at the sorts of ages yours are, but I WOULD do it.

Life is sooooo much better now: no more resentment, no more wondering where he is (or who he’s with), no more gaslighting. Just me, my boys and our lovely new life.

You can do this.

Thank you. The best thing I've read.

Thank you ❤️.

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Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:20

I feel like the boys adore him and I'm breaking them up. The guilt is real.

I want to stay for them. I really do.

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Harrumphhhh · 17/12/2024 21:20

You CAN afford it and you WILL be fine.

What really helped me was working out the ‘worst case scenario’. For me, that would have meant moving in with my mum (who is lovely) or buying a two bed in a crap area (not ideal, but a roof over our heads).

In the end, I didn’t have to do either of those things, and I’m now lying in the bath, in my OWN house, with savings in the bank and two happy boys tucked up in their bedrooms.

My DC were 5&8 when we split. The younger one can’t really remember life before this, which is sad for me, but not really for him. The older one found it hard. Given the chance again, I’d do it at the sorts of ages yours are, but I WOULD do it.

Life is sooooo much better now: no more resentment, no more wondering where he is (or who he’s with), no more gaslighting. Just me, my boys and our lovely new life.

You can do this.

Original poster

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:17

@TiramisuThief really? Do you think that? They're obsessed with him! He's never around... my eldest is becoming more attached with me. But I am there every minute of the day, I adore them and they just worship him.

He's a good Dad though and I wonder if I'm just a bit rubbish sometimes. I can't perform all the time.

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AlertCat · 17/12/2024 21:16

WineNeededPlease · 17/12/2024 21:11

@MyPithyPoster yes, please do.

I don't want my kids to hate their Dad 😔

Mine loves hers, but she does see him for what he’s like now (luckily, not the full extent and I hope she never sees that). You can’t stop that; unfortunately, these people dig their own holes and assume their kids will keep falling for it. That would not be different even if you stayed with him. By letting you down he lets them down.