Divorce SUCKS

I need you to be my life coach for tips on bouncing back - how inspirational!

Also with the houses - I just want to have one!

They can still adore him not living in the house with him.

When my child copied their dad's awful behaviour towards me (gaslighting) my heart sank. It was horrific to realise that they thought this behaviour was normal...my child was five when this happened @WineNeededPlease, so I can promise you kids do see everything even if they don't understand it.

You, and they, deserve so much better than you're getting. Take it as a complement that they ignore you - it means they don't question you being there for them, you are steady and reliable and they know that. Do the very best for them, and for you, by getting the three of you out of this situation - your love for them is what will get you through this. I also agonised about putting my DC through a divorce, like you I was so sad to have to put them through what I had been through...but there is a brighter, happier future out there I promise.

They cling to him not because they adore him but because he is the unreliable parent. He provides no security for them so they have to scream and make him feel so very wanted to stop him ignoring them.

This is spot on.

Your children deserve to be raised in a loving home. I know you may think staying is what is best, but your children do sense the hostility and will have a front row seat watching their mother being treated so poorly. They will pick up on those behaviors. Is that what you want for them? You will be filled with so much regret when they do the same to their spouses one day. They are watching and learning everyday of their lives. He is their role model and they will learn his poor behaviors despite your best efforts.

Your children worship and yell for him because he is a novelty and does not offer them any security. They know they can push you away and you will still be there to love them. He is not a safe place for them so they vie for his attention and affection. Your love is a given in their lives. They don't have to earn it so they are comfortable pushing you away because mum is always there. Please do not confuse this behavior as him being a good dad. He is not a good dad, but a shit one. A good father respects the mother of their children and doesn't cheat on them. A good father would make sure you are happy and have a good life so you can use your energy to be the best mother possible. He is doing none of that.

This is not a case of working to fix a marriage and having counseling and working through issues. He simply does not care you are unhappy and is expecting you to just suck it up to maintain the status quo. He can cheat and treat you like crap and know you will just be there waiting like a dutiful wife. In a way you have been brainwashed as you find this even remotely acceptable. He knows you feel trapped and that you feel you can't leave and so he has all the power. He has no reason to change and never will. As the more years go by you will become more resentful and angry. This is not a good environment for children to live in

Take your power back OP. Leave this horrendous specimen of a man and find a new, happy life free of abuse. In a few years you will not even remember why you wanted to stay. The life waiting for you is far better than any life you would have by staying with him. Be strong and believe in yourself. You can do this.

Odds are that these outcomes are all very, very unlikely to be honest.

Leaving while they are this young is the best thing to do, especially if he is away loads anyway, they are used to him not being there.

They cling to him not because they adore him but because he is the unreliable parent. He provides no security for them so they have to scream and make him feel so very wanted to stop him ignoring them.

Also, If he's like my ex he loved to be adored when they were tiny but became a really shit parent when they developed their own personalities and didn't just blindly adore him.

A gilded cage is just that, a cage.

If you stay, you will just be delaying the inevitable.

My father cheated on my mother from when I was about 5. Constant affairs. My mother valued her marriage - and later her house - above her 3 children and our childhoods. Due to the actions of both my parents, my childhood was shit.

Six months after my younger brother turned 18, my father left for his latest affair partner. The family house had to be sold, my mother was told as a 48 year old woman she was expected to financially support herself, and once all the bank fees had been taken - my father stopped paying the mortgage the moment he left and my mother fought the divorce for 2 years - there was hardly any equity left.

35 years later my mother lives in a housing association flat on a government disability pension. I've been no contact with my father for the whole of those 35 years, I don't even know if he's still alive. I deliberately live on the other side of the world from my mother had have been very low contact with her for 25 years...it's 15 years since I last actually saw her.

Do your children a massive favour and end it now.

You are so right. My exhusband left for a 17 year old girl when our children were 3 and 2. His statement justifying this was "Well I want to do what I want,when I want. I can't do that with children, so I'm afraid I just have to leave". The thing is those children are now 30 and 32. Both are married, one has 2 little boys. They live a few minutes drive away from the very lovely house I live in with my fabulous second husband. We've been married now for 21 years. We took early retirement and are having a ball. Exhusband's shiny new life went to shit and he killed himself in a cheap hotel. Op your children will look at how their father behaves and make up their own minds as they grow. What you currently have is a gilded cage. Living in one of those is vastly over rated.

HUGE mistake to stay for the kids

You are so aware. You are fantastic. Please do not doubt yourself. I know it is so difficult because you have been manipulated with life's messages that is makes you weak, bad. I cannot think of anything more strong and courageous than physically giving birth. The strength and physical endurance it takes. You now need to transfer that memory and strength into you actual life. If you can do that you are strong, resilient and amazing! Imagine putting that felling into what you have to do now! Don't forget it.😎

Take the job file for divorce and sell the house. If you haven’t got your mental health you haven’t got anything. It is a big mistake to stay for the money.

Leave now while they're young.

I'm going to say don't go 50 50 with the children. He will need to pay you maintenance and you can also claim universal credit to top of uour income. Get any job, you can work your way up to some better and increase your hours as your children get older.

You'll be fine.

Don’t wait.
I waited and that was the stupidest thing I have ever done.
(Besides not running a mile in the opposite direction when I first met my ex).

Much better to do it while they and you are young.
Yes, the boys will miss their Dad. But he is not dead, he is simply in a different house. They’ll see him when they see him.

I see so many women on these boards agonising desperately about the right thing to do for their children when they have a let down of a husband and are really unhappy.

I don't think their DHs have ever spent even a minute going through the same emotional wringer when they shag about, spend weeks away from home and generally please themselves.

@WineNeededPlease you have got this! You love your babies and a happy mum means happy children. Don't let your DH grind you down.

All the more reason to act on this.

Hey, You have a way out. Take it. Scary but no more negative in the situation you are in.

@WineNeededPlease ok - look at this sideways- how much equity in the house - take it- put 6 or 12 months down and rent somewhere as nice as you can within reason without going over the top - make things nice for you all - then take the child maintenance which will be decent if he's a mega earner, top up with any money left from equity , get a job and then reassess in 12 months- at that point look at shared ownerships if earning decently and have a decent deposit at that point still -- but within an area that doesn't mean total uprooting -