Divorce SUCKS

'Sorry to drip feed but he's not a deadbeat Dad in the slightest. He's a very, very good Dad. He's just a cheater (emotional mainly and then did sleep with someone last year). He has caused a lot of hurt and a lot of distrust. But he is not a bad father at all.'

But he isn't a good Dad. It isn't about school drop offs and playing with kids it is about creating a solid, secure happy home for dc. He isn't doing that so she is a very inadequate Dad which you must keep telling yourself.

Why do you feel sorry for him?!
He is cheating, working and making a lot of money. He has the freedom to carry on all of this at leisure. How did he become a "poor guy" in your mind?

You will fuck them up if you stay.

As others have said, the reason they are so attached to him is because he is less available than you.

It's like when you were younger and dating, you always used to want the "bad boy" who played hard to get, rather than the nice lad who treated you well. It's because you want the validation of love from someone who isn't as forthcoming with it and so you think it means more....

I agree, and could have posted, every word of the above.

The amount of lying BOTH my parents did during my childhood is off the fucking scale, and what makes it even worse is that my mother is a Catholic, and forced myself and my two brothers to go to Mass every single Sunday ...right up until I left home at 21!

My mother had a supportive, extremely wealthy family who disliked my father and would have supported her to leave my father, so she had zero excuse not to do so. At the end of the day, holding on to her house was more important than the happiness and mental health of her three children.

Your kids aren't at critical ages (I.e. doing GCSEs etc), now is the perfect time to move.

If you have a chunk of equity in a London home, you could probably afford to buy a house outright somewhere else in the country and be mortgage free.

The likelihood is that your ex will only want the kids EOW or similar, he won't be pitching in with school runs, so you don't need to live near him.

Divorce, get your own place and own life and financial independence. In a couple of years your DC won't even remember this part of their lives.

It was the lying that finished it for me tbh, I realised that I couldn’t trust a single word he said, and that it’d be like that forever…you can’t base a strong relationship on that…plus I worked out his tears were all for himself, about what he was about to lose as he’d gone too far and he knew it…

could you insist on a trial separation and see how you feel then? I knew as soon as he left, as I said up thread, but when I first suggested it I really didn’t know. You need space to think…

@WineNeededPlease no one is perfect but you aren't blaming someone else for your imperfections or asking for them to be forgiven! Its this treatment of you which compounds his deceit. I wish someone could take your hand (in real life) and guide you through this horrible time. x

Have you ever cheated ?

He is trying to change your mind because he doesn’t want to lose the home, the boys and you taking care of his needs it’s not because he has seen the light. He wants to carry on cheating and grinding your self esteem into the ground whilst appearing to others he is a faithful husband and a great family man. He enjoys the deceit and cheating and feels nothing but contempt for you because he is a cunt. That’s not love, he wants the convenience of you, he doesn’t want to lose money when if he can change your mind with sweet nothings he can carry on as before.

@WineNeededPlease what do you answer when he says 'Please forgive me'? Have you tried asking him why he thinks you should forgive him? You don't have to be confrontational or nasty and it sounds like hes the sort of man who will never change, but by asking a question of him, you are taking a power step however small, and building some armour.

The Jekyll and Hyde routine is designed to keep you unsettled, you stay for the good times but pay for them with the bad stuff. It’s the cycle of abuse as was pointed out on here, and suddenly I saw my ex for what he was/is, and that was the end of it for me.

It’s horrible to realise the situation that you’re in, and that only you can change it…but it sounds like you’ve got a good solicitor so listen to him and when it’s time (he’ll tell you when, once he’s understood the financial position between the two of you) use your inheritance to put a deposit on a lovely new home for the three of you.

He is a cheater and spends no time with his kids so NOT a good dad. Don't let your boys grow up thinking this is how a good man treats his family. You need your own financial independence so I suggest taking the job as a first stage and finding good childcare and putting some money away for the break. Otherwise you will look round in 15 years time and discover you are still miserable and your boys will think this is a normal marriage. A smaller house is a low price to pay for you and your boys to be happy.

I can well imagine that’s exactly what your solicitors said especially as he’s a high earner. They will be just seeing their Christmas bonus and you’re funding their trip to St Tropez next summer.

Don’t do it sit down with him and come up with a solution that’s fair to both of you.

The judge will want a clean break and any squabbling is just going to rack up that Legal bill for both of you. The only winners are the solicitors.

The judges prefer a clean break now Simply because most people did not stick to the original agreement so I think they were called meshers orders. What would happen as people would get to the end of them when the children were 18 and then you’d literally be chucking granny out on the street. The RP couldn’t get a mortgage at that age. So they’d go back to court to try and fight to stay in the house which was just never gonna happen.
But actually, it’s better for you to have a clean break. One of the major reasons why most of our equity got pissed away was because the lawyers are extremely good at spending your money.
You want to take at least 60% of the equity and go and buy something anything, you don’t even have to live in it.

The thought of change is terrifying for you, you fee guilt for upheaval your Dc will feel and are questioning yourself whether it’s the right thing to do.
You’re mourning your home and angry at your STBXH for treating you with contempt whilst he tries to sweet talk you to back down. He will never change!
You and your Dc deserve a stable life with you in a downsized property without deceit in their childhood. You have to concentrate on the bigger picture, not on the here and now.

It does really suck, been there. Things work themselves out though and any financial disadvantages outweigh the freedom and the possibilities that the divorce opens for you. Keep going and you will get there

The odds aren't great for a lot of reasons but these are the four standout ones in your case:

1. Mesher Orders are incredibly rare except by consent. Courts are well aware that these arrangements don't work well and that is especially the case when one party is unwilling. He could do all kinds of things to make life extremely difficult for you for as long as he is stuck on your mortgage, for example refusing to agree a new fixed rate and forcing you to pay a lot more interest. Also, on the flip side, he might be seen as too high an earner to need capital from the FMH but the court will still want him detached from a joint mortgage ASAP if they reach that conclusion (not least because someone attached to a mortgage with a guarantee they will have no equity will have very little incentive to ensure it gets paid).

There is enough equity in your home to leave London and buy something with a small mortgage outside of the capital. You'll be expected to do that;

2. You have said you have been offered a good job. Unless you are planning on committing perjury and claiming you cannot work, you will be expected to take this job. Regardless, it sets the benchmark for your earning capacity now on which any settlement would be based. If you have a good job, spousal maintenance or a Mesher Order are extremely unlikely.

3. Spousal maintenance is extremely rare for someone your age and you would need to prove you need it and that he can afford to pay it. That would almost certainly involve a lengthy court battle and it doesn't sound like you can afford it (and the amount you get might not even cover the legal fees, so it might not be worth it).

4. The courts will be razor focused on trying to have a clean break between you. None of the reasons you have given indicate you have a need to use his capital or mortgage capacity or to receive a share of his future income to avoid undue hardship.

I don't know what he earns or what the assets are so this is all based on averages rather than your specific case but I've not heard anything here that suggests anything other than an immediate clean break is appropriate.

You could divorce him but you essentially are talking yourself out of it and turning a blind eye if you want to avoid uprooting. Can’t have it all ways. He’s been a shit and you don’t deserve it but this is the result. You’ll be happier in the long run - smaller place in same area, or move further out. You can do this x

I have not regretted my decision for one moment, I only regret not having done it sooner tbh! I am really pleased that I called time on the marriage, once he was out of the door for the last time I felt only huge, sweet relief, and knew that I would not take him back. There are times when I miss what I thought we had, and I have a list of the dreadful things he did to steady my resolve when I get wistful, but no, I have never regretted it, even during the toughest moments of the divorce. What you gain is so, so much more than the bricks and mortar and other material stuff you leave behind…you gain peace of mind and happiness and the knowledge that you have done absolutely the right thing for your children, for their future as young men knowing how to behave well in a healthy relationship. You can do this love, we will help xx

I don’t have kids but I will say that with every year that passes I lose a bit more respect for my mother for not leaving my shitty father and I don’t want a lot to do with either parent. Your kids won’t thank you for staying when they’re old enough to pick up on the undertones.