Divorce SUCKS

I work in a law firm but not as a solicitor. I'm struggling to understand why you are fighting against a clean break when you have your own money and are capable of having a good job but like I said, I don't have all the details of your personal circumstances and I'm working on averages. Your solicitor presumably knows something that I don't.

That said, you keep on changing your story which doesn't help; your original post says that a lawyer told you that you couldn't afford a divorce and now you are saying you can. It's hard to predict an outcome when the facts keep changing.

London used to have a reputation for being a bit poor when it came to applying the clean break principle though. Although in my experience well paid people were quite good at engineering their own clean breaks when they want one either by temporarily "losing" their job or moving abroad to a jurisdiction where it is hard to enforce an English court order! I don't work in London so I don't know what it's like there right now.

Some solicitors do tend to exaggerate what they can do too although if he is reputable that might not be the case. However, I've lost count of the weaker financial parties I've seen who lose significant amounts on legal fees chasing the impossible because their solicitor thought they could get the stronger party to cave. My advice to the stronger party is always to keep fighting and fighting and fighting because solicitors' tactics when representing the weaker party is to push their luck.

No I didn't mean that at all, sorry I can see how it came across.

More that you really want it to work with DH but it means that you're denying yourself the reality of what sort of person he is.

I know we only have your words to go by, but even though you are trying to be fair to him as a good man, a good dad, it's not convincing to us looking from the outside.

You are not pathetic. It is very diffcult to upend your whole life (and your children's lives).

It is very easy for people to say LTB but it is you who will have to do it not them.

It is only recently that women leave men for having mistresses (they still don't in France) so you will not be the first to stay and definitely not the last.

The problem is, it looks like you cannot turn a blind eye to it. It is killing you. Only you can decide what you want to do, but from what you are saying, you cannot go on like this.

You are feeling sorry for him? For having an affair? Your trial separation isn’t a separation if you share a bed, go out for dinner and he is kissing and cuddling you! He is doing everything he can to sabotage you leaving plus your saying you don’t want to live without him.
He has been having emotional affairs so he has been actively looking for a woman to connect on a deep level, a life partner as he feels he hasn’t that got at home. He will be forever looking to fill the void inside him forever, no woman will be enough. It’s one thing feeling sorry for him but as he has had a few emotional affairs and one sexual affair I think it’s time you looked back at the last 10 years and ask yourself if that’s what you want for the future.

This isn't love, you don't treat someone like this.

You said up thread that the last ten years have been really bad because of this relationship and you are in therapy.

FFS op, what more self evidence do you need?

Take the job, get yourself back to financial independence.

Willing to bet you'll feel so much better.

I'm a lone parent, have been for 15 years, believe me, children are a lot better and happier when the mum is and there is no shitty relationship modelling.

I moved out of London, into Oxfordshire when my DD15 was 3, best move I ever made.

@WineNeededPlease I am 30 years on from where you are.

I got a job (that was a good first step because it meant that nursery / childcare arrangements were already in place and that the costs were established which helped all the financial assesments). I may have got more maintenance if I'd not been working but I'd also have been more beholden to ex and I know he would have used that against me.

I left our beautiful home in a lovely place and moved into a rented flat. It was hard, especially moving away from friends, but it was close to beautiful (free) botanic gardens and a huge park, and my dc both have really fond memories of all the time we spent at those places, we still go to visit. They are good memories not bad ones.

Two years later I had the money for a deposit and bought my own place. I was in heaven. It was very different from my former family house, but it was just right for me. I felt like I had refound myself, my purpose, my confidence. I could also give my dc the genuine warmth of a home that was filled with love. I could give them the role model of a parent who was content and stable and pricipled.

Much later I met my 2nd dh, and my dc love him and have a great relationship with him. He is a fantastic grandad to my dc's dc.

Meanwhile ex goes from relationship to relationship, ever younger women. None of them last. Dc love him and see him but there is a lot of eye-rolling at his behaviour.

One of my adult dc's (who is a parent) recently went through a breakup with their partner. It was sad but my dc said their childhood experience had shown them that 'a broken home' didn't have to be a lesser home or something that would ruin a child's life. And they thanked me for giving them that. It moved me to tears. You had a different experience, but you can break that cycle and provide the best for the children whom you love.

You are in a whirlwind of emotions, which is understandable. But you need to get practical. Get a job sorted out (if that's what you want). Get your finances in a row. Get a full understanding and copies of documents relating to your joint finances. Look at what homes might be possible under differing financial scenarios. Get planning. And get dreaming - of a life where you are loved and respected by your children, your friends and everyone that you choose to be in a relationship with (family friends etc).

Honestly ... move, start again, you have young children who will adapt just fine (I moved mine continents at that age) and I doubt he'll even object. How much equity/lump sum are you likely to be able to get? You may be able to buy outright elsewhere. I have a neighbour who has traded in her London home for a 3 bed townhouse with no mortgage following divorce, lovely area, great schools but not London

You are divorcing him when your sons are at an age they are mostly unaware, and in years to come won’t remember living with dad. You are making sure they don’t have to live in a toxic environment because as they get older they will notice and it’s best for you and your boys future to leave behind STBX now.
Your STBX has never put you all before his cheating, he feels it’s his god given right to treat you like shit on his shoes, he doesn’t care how it impacts you all. He only cares about himself and gets off on the lies and secrecy, he enjoys you finding out about the affairs, your devastation, you trying so hard to get him to love and respect you. He then makes empty promises, knowing you are desperate for your marriage to work so that your boys grow up in a happy family. He uses your insecurities against you, he enjoys every minute of it like a cat toying with its prey.
You're the only one who has the power to end this shit show of a marriage and ensure your Dc and yourself of a happy, stable future. X

Sorry OP but his IS a bad father because HE is the one making the choice to cheat so if the family is 'broken up' it is HIS fault, even if you are the one to initiate that.
YOU love your kids enough to stay with a cheater. HE doesn't love his kids enough to have not cheated. He is not a good father just because he can drive them to school and be fun when he's not working. The choices he made are damaging for his family including the children, he put himself and what he wanted ahead of what was best for them! He has brought instability into their home life, not you.
Stop making excuses for him.
The longer you take to leave the harder it will be start afresh. 2 & 5 are very adaptable ages, barely into school, they will manage with any changes.
My parents separated when I was 2 and I have zero memory of any of it, afterwards was my normal and all I've ever really known.

Rather than give it to a solicitor 🙌🏻

This is what you need to do.
Find a way to do it, if you.can't go yet.

Yes, this , my comment was lacking the statement, harder life for a bit. Thanks for pointing it out 😊

Surely the default position of any parents separating should be 50/50?

This is what irks me a little bit. It doesn’t have to be A harder life it really doesn’t.
Women are capable of amazing things and so many of the obstacles have been removed since I had little little children so it’s now easier for you to go get it.
I have thousands of women in my network that could walk out of their house tomorrow with nothing but the clothes on their back and within two years they’d be fine. Different but absolutely fine.

However you do it, and be prepared for a harder life... get out of that marriage! It will do the kids no good to have money but a terrible home environment and a broken mother.

@WineNeededPlease

"It's the classic, never lose your financial independence. I've been so fucking stupid."

Please don't beat yourself up over this- you weren't to know that your DH would be a serial cheating scumbag.

But it's a good lesson to other women contemplating marrying someone significantly wealthier than them and dreaming about being a "kept woman " - there is a major downside about loss of independence.

The fact that your husband has had multiple affairs suggests to me that he knows financially you can't afford a divorce and so he is effectively free to carry on with these affairs.

Your choice is to either divorce and accept a significant drop in your lifestyle or turn a blind eye / block out his behaviour whilst building a financial escape tunnel.

You just sound desperate @WineNeededPlease and it's really sad to hear you say what a good dad he is.

He isn't really, he doesn't spend much time with them and when he does it's the fun stuff not the daily grind.

He works hard and that takes him away from spending time with his family. He contributes financially but not emotionally.

Your children cling to him because he's barely present.

A good dad doesn't cheat on his children's mum and lie to her.

His tears are crocodile tears, manipulation to get you to stay so his comfortable life isn't disrupted.

It is quite common that people feel sorry for and love their emotional abusers. What op needs to do is recognise yes she loves him but she deserves to feel secure and happy.

It isn't easy op. Be brokenhearted with him or brokenhearted without him. For your dc's sake you should choose the latter and teach them what a happy home really is and that it is not lies and deceit.

You absolutely are. And (sorry to say it) but are using your children and how much they love their dad as your excuse to stay.

OP - if your kids were 10 years older and knew that their dad was cheating on their mum, do you think they would still feel the same about him?

The reality is, you don't want to leave him because you don't want to be on your own. It is understandable when you are married and have children with someone but don't confuse your reasons for staying. Your sons will be far better off with a happier and more content mum. Not one who is begging their dad not to cheat on her.