Divorce SUCKS

Don't do this to yourself, leave him! Start planning now.
He can be a good dad, and he can keep on being one after you divorce him.
But he is an awful husband who is totally disrespectful to you. You deserve better.
The kids will always be his kids, you should not keep being his wife!

I could never afford to divorce DH I thought about it on a few occasions and I wouldn't have been able to afford a flat big enough as jobs in cheaper areas pay less.

I'm currently in an it's all fine at the moment stage in our marriage so staying has worked out.

I am sorry OP that you and your family are having to go through this .
As you have discovered this will be a " no fault divorce " and it doesn't matter how bad a spouse treated you in the relationship , how often they lied / were unfaithful . The Court will start with a 50:50 split of the assets and adjust slightly for dependent children etc .

Unfortunately unless you were married to Rupert Murdoch and are amazingly wealthy with multiple properties , the blunt fact is that your lifestyle and your H's will suffer at least in the short term .
I know this is incredibly painful for you and I would advise you to get as much support as you can from friends / family and look at getting therapy too .
This is not on you , it was your husband who caused this by his behaviour . Other than very short term you cannot continue in a relationship where you are being lied and cheated without this having a major impact on your mental health .

You also do not want your kids to grow up this model that is ok to treat your spouse so badly .
I know you do not feel like it at this time , but you are in a fortunate position if you have been offered a good job . I would grab this with both hands, as it will allow you some financial independence .

Your H has shown you that you cannot rely on him , so believe him . You cannot trust him . What if he decided tomorrow that he had had enough of his high earning job and no doubt the stress of this and decided tomorrow that he will give it all up ?

I know it will be painful to move from your current house as you will have happy memories with your children there etc . I think you have to look at it as a fresh start .
My kids are older and whilst I don't downplay the impact that any break up will have on the kids , I do think there are less disadvantages of making a move when they are younger . It was quite common for kids in my kids school to move away during the primary years . Friendship groups also change .

As the children get to secondary age , there is less movement of families and more established friendship groups . Parents are also more involved in school activities and engagement with other Mums etc during primary . This would give you and your kids the opportunity to make new friends.

I wish you all the best .

That should be 'not me alone in my opinions of my mother'

What will happen? The OP will be my mother, who did exactly what you posted. My mother, who still thinks she was a 'good' mother. The reality is she was a fucking shit mother who cared more about her cheating husband and property than her 3 children.

I've been having treatment for C-PTSD for the last decade because of my fucking parents.

My mother is now a mother who has 2 of her 3 children living on the other side of the world from her and rarely speak to her, let alone see her. My older brother has told his wife that he 'has no happy childhood memories' so I know for a fact that it's me alone in my opinions of my mother.

Hi Op. like many others, I've been there and come out the other end. It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of defending and denying at the minute. Not surprising because it's hard to picture a life that is bound to be more challenging or disruptive initially. I've been there, I honestly do understand.

I really do want to reinforce as others have, please use the experience of others who have been there; your husband isn't the amazing dad you are now portraying him to be. You said your child is anxious when he's gone. Is he picking up on your anxiety about all this? I know how I was at my worst when I started to notice, track and try and uncover cheating. It can be consuming. You say your husband is nice to you in front of the kids but kids pick up on all the smaller more subtle clues of anxiety and unhappiness. You're really doing them no favours staying in this relationship. You say the child screams when husband leaves. This again doesn't sound like a secure and happy upbringing. There's something else at play here that you may not wish to dwell on and I know you're struggling but there's no kinder way of saying that as you seem to be verging towards staying 'for the kids' please please get all your facts right, unpick this in counselling and get proper legal advice. Not a quick call. I spent a few hours with mine alongside a financial advisor.

If you do decide to stay, if your husband really has to be away that much to earn money, I'd be questioning if you've both got this balance right and if this lifestyle is really benefiting you both or more importantly, the kids? Would the kids be better off with dad at home more- you both working but less hours, even if it means living in a less expensive part of the country? I'm in a very full time job as a sole parent so I'm certainly not one to be saying money doesn't matter, I know it does. But this sounds an extreme focus on your current house at the expense of everything else. Wishing you the best, please do remember there is a life after affairs, you can have a more secure and settled life - I have and life couldn't be better

@WineNeededPlease You are definitely NOT pathetic! your husband is making you doubt yourself, doubt your instincts -- the instincts that his actions have sharpened. Separating is very scary - I went through it nearly 10 years ago after 20 years of marriage. Nothing was really 'wrong' but we had drifted very far apart and he 'didn't feel excited about us having more time together as our children were moving away'. I felt like a complete and utter failure - I had let my children down - what sort of mother was i to set such an example and get divorced because I couldn't make my husband want to be with me. all the emotions that are coming at you right now. Kids were going through GCSE and A Levels so blamed myself for that too! But we all survived and my children are now closer to me than their dad - they have all told me that if they need help and/or support then I'm the first one they turn to.

The grass may not be greener, but its a lot easier living in a mud patch if you are only dealing with you and your boys and not all the hell that your husband is putting you through.

Ah op I'm so sorry he's putting you through this. I think you are probably best trying to put your ducks in a row so to speak. Get yourself a job and get him to pay for childcare. My marriage ended a while ago and I was solely responsible for my dc so I was entitled to help from uc for childcare and therefore get legal aid (maybe worth looking into if that is the same in your area?) Because I have sole care I'm also entitled to a majority share of our home.

I had to move away from everyone and everything and I won't sugar coat it- that part was really incredibly hard and I'm still staying with family until things are finalised and i can get my own home. But honestly the leaving and letting go was harder than actually being away and for me it's worth it because it means ds will have security and a happy mummy.

I'm really glad this all happened when ds was really young whereas I think if he was older it might have been harder plus he'd have been more aware of his dad's behaviour that led to the marriage ending. I'd rather he grew up without seeing things and thinking they were OK and seeing me miserable.

It's doable, it just really sucks and you do need to cut parts of yourself off to make it work which is really hard. I'd get on the phone to the likes of citizens advice to check what your entitlements would be and try to set yourself up in a better position financially so you could leave. Make savings where you can and tbh I'd consider whether womens aid would offer support. Hrtft but it sounds like this might be emotional and financial abuse.

Well, she never managed to be happy with anyone. I imagine she’s never been happy with herself either- but that was what I gained by being alone for half a decade. It’s invaluable knowing you don’t need anyone else (which isn’t to say I don’t love my DH, I do very much, but I know I don’t need him).

You are grieving and you still live with someone who you supposedly have separated from. Your recovery starts with day one of no contact. When you are at that point, you will see things more clearly.
I'd encourage you to create some distance from your husband. And maybe also reflect on the fact that you don't grieve the loss of him or your relationship. You grieve the loss of imaginary life you could have had together. But it is just that...imaginary. I know it sounds like "that old chestnut" but would therapy be helpful at this point?

Downsize and get out, no point in having a big house you're miserable in

Okay, have you actually spoken to a solicitor or just had a free half hour, because quite a lot of what you are saying now is wrong.

You don't have the freedom to choose to be kept. Any maintenance you receive will be the difference between what you need and what you can earn. Your preference to not work isn't going to be entertained.

Clean breaks are the norm, in England (I don't know about Scotland). Him having to keep you in your current home is extremely unlikely, especially for another 15 years.

If you are being advised this nonsense by a solicitor then I can tell you they are ignoring at least a decades' worth of case law.

I really feel for you and understand from my own experience how mind-bending it is to live with someone when you're 'separated', especially when they're also gaslighting you and you're dealing with the guilt/unknown of how it will affect the kids. Also how hard it is to consider divorcing when your own childhood was difficult.

In my experience, it took making the break for me to fully, clearly see how abusive my ex's behaviour had been and how vital it was that I did leave with our child. There was one particular event that made me do this, and though it was truly awful at the time I am actually grateful that it happened when it did. DC was 5, and I honestly think if I'd let it drag on it would have been so much worse and so much harder to address the damage done by what they'd witnessed.

I'm in a much more precarious financial situation - left with nothing, refuge and then housing association flat. Still plodding through divorce 3 years later, with him delaying/dodging all attempts to split assets. I won't lie, it's been horrible and very scary at times but sometimes the chocolate box of life offers up exclusively shit options and you just have to grit your teeth and settle for the least shit one. For a bit. I know it's unfair on you and the kids to think of uprooting and losing your home, but on balance from wat you've said here, it's the least shit option.

I don't want to kick you when you are down but I find the desire to be a kept woman at the expense of your happiness is something that is incompatible with the idea of being a good mother. A big part of being a good mother is bringing up your children to be resilient, to be self-reliant and to understand what a good supportive relationship looks like. This is not possible when you cling to a lifestyle which is just a facade and when you are not in control of your life or your finances.
You wouldn't be on this position if you maintained your independence. I can relate to your heartbreak and fear of change but I cannot relate to you wanting to be a person who is not in charge of their destiny.
What will happen if your husband stays and kids grow up and then he will kick you out. Older, without a job experience and not entitled to anything at all. What will you do then?

I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt. If he has form for cheating in previous relationships I bet he has indeed been meeting up and having sex but 'just' sexting makes it sound like a bit of harmless fun. I also bet he could indeed get it going.

Sorry I don't want to upset you further but the first thing you must do is not believe a word he says and the second thing is to plan your escape. You surely deserve to feel happy amd secure .

Don’t worry about schools at their age. They will adapt. One isn’t even there yet.

Better do it now whilst young.

Why do you think they were emotional affairs? I would guess they were all sexual and he's using the 'emotional' description as some kind of excuse because he was sad, lonely etc.

It is your decision obviously how you proceed but if you accept this very selfish man he will destroy every bit of confidence you have left. Unless you played him at his own game of course see how he likes it, I would guess he wouldn't tolerate it at all.