To feel judged by different standards at work

I would honestly think about getting some therapy to deal with the trauma around Xmas or you are going to be defined by it forever. I had a colleague with similar issue who went into a depression at the first sign of a Christmas card until the middle of January. It made life in the office miserable for everyone as no one could mention plans, parties,presents without them sniffing. I'm not suggesting that this is how you behave but do you really want to continue to face this every year? Therapy could help you reframe and see Xmas as a time of hope, generosity of spirit, and yes having a fun time out with colleagues at the office meal. Life is too short to be weighed down by situations that happened to us when we had no control .

I'm so sorry that happened to you. Quiet, hard working people are not appreciated in our society. I think some people feel threatened by us, because obviously there must be something wrong with you if you don't join in office chit chat and drama!

Hold your head up high. You're worth more than all of them. And honestly, I'd look for another job. They don't deserve you. Sounds an awful, bitchy place to work.

Rubbish advice from some, you're doing well and high salary ignore others carry on as normal, they are probably jealous and to leave you out is nasty, they should have let it be your choice. Bitching at work, just don't join in and ignore who cares what work colleague think? You know next month it will be someone elses turn to be put in the spot light.
Be proud of yourself and your achievements, work is work as long as you don't hate it and it pays well just do what you have always done ✨️

I would find somewhere else to work otherwise you are always going to wonder who was bitching about you, because that is all it is, people who want you available to indulge in chat about their life dramas when you clearly told them this time of year is difficult for you. They are selfish arseholes.

maybe the whole thing has arisen from the Manager asking why you weren't at (or invited to) the group meal?

I think rather than telling your colleagues you should have spoken to your manager and let them know if you were quieter than normal. They are the ones who can put in place things for you and if they aren’t aware of any issues (wellbeing wise) then they can’t support and are caught off guard.

I was going to ask this. Perhaps your boss isn’t explaining it well and they are actually concerned about you?

Maybe they don't feel you are part of the team. Not joining in Christmas stuff is fine, but if you are a loner on a day to day basis, I can see how it would affect any team dynamics.

Personally I would look for somewhere else. Their 'dynamic' is to scream and shout at each other which seems to be the only thing aside from complaining about you that they are united on as what makes their team.

I'm wondering if that person saying you shouldn't be at work has a heart! There was a recent study done by I think a gov body about how managers deal with these things and 50% were given specific training 50% weren't. The ones given the training had better satisfaction response from workers and staff retention than the ones not given that training. I think it's understandable you feel that way especially at a time you feel vulnerable and haven't actually done anything wrong! Maybe a counsellor in cognitive behavioural therapy would be a good thing as it just seems around christmas you feel this way. They could help you see christmas in a better light ✨️ so that you can actually enjoy it. It would be nice if those past experiences didn't stop you enjoying future festivities. X

That might actually be the best bet here!

What a bunch of barstards. There are a lot of them out there unfortunately, if you can't ignore it you will have to raise a grievance or leave, I hate workplace bullies you just want to earn a living!!

Time to look for another job I think.

If you all have that kind of relationship where people are raising voices all the time, why don't you just march in there and yell, "OK, which one of you f*#!rs reported me to management?" And go on to say that whilst you don't like Christmas, you DO like to be included in lunch outings. It will clear the air at the very least!!

The character of a business is determined by whoever runs it. My partners and I started a business many years ago which became the biggest in our industry and which we sold for so much my wife had trouble spending it.
Our strategy besides trying to be better than the competition was to have fun. This works very well. As the great businessman to whom we sold out said, "Contented hens lay more eggs."

As already said, they probably think they're helping you by not inviting you to their Xmas event. Being quiet and withdrawn can be a sign of depression, maybe they thought that contacting HR would get you some help?
I may be wrong, but as I don't know these people, or your workplace, I can't judge but I do like to think the best of people generally.

I would prefer to have all this out in the open. At you next team meeting raise the matter that you have been made aware that someone went to management and the reason given. Don't ask for names - they know who they are. Just tell everyone that you're disappointed because you'd already explained to your colleagues about how you felt around Xmas and could be a bit quiet around that time. They could have approached you directly. Also tell them you would have joined in the Xmas meal, but weren't asked, and you understand they may have misunderstood you, but this can be remedied next Xmas.

If they don't feel humbled by a direct and understanding approach from you, then you are in the wrong workplace

You say your the top earner...this and the work place culture in combination tell me they have been looking for a way (even if subconsciously) to take you down a peg or two. You weren't at the dinner...someone piped up 'whys not here'....colleague jumped in 'showing concern (not)'. It's likely multiple people chimed in with thinly veiled glee at getting a pop in voicing that 'your dampening the Xmas spirit (poor them)'. And job done...they have took the shine off the office top sales person.

I don't think you were invited because of being down and their own selfish feelings on the matter...and that's likely not the work of one person. People who care about someone's feelings ask them and let them decide. I'm sorry OP...I was honest about likely intentions on the balance of probability.

I'd look for a different job or keep yourself to yourself re: your private thoughts/ feelings. They are definitely not your friends 😥😥😥

It sounds an awful place to work. You can do better op, look for another job.

Sounds like a really toxic work culture - there are better ways to manage a stressful environment than by everyone bitching at each other. They’re unreasonable in general and they’re being unreasonable to you. But is that really so surprising in such a toxic environment? Maybe it’s time to look for a new job.

What a nasty bunch of workmates you have. Keep your head held high. You constantly smash your targets and don’t bitch about others. They’re just a jealous bunch of shits.
💐for you. You’ve done nothing wrong.

Could it be that whoever decided not to invite you to the meal has realised it was a mistake and is terrified that they’ll get reprimanded/fired for this and is striking pre-emptively?

Or maybe you took it to sound like a complaint, but really he was inviting you to open up?

Is it bonus calculation time and dog-eat-dog?

Perhaps one person mentioned an interaction with you (to explain why you weren’t at the meal), and then everyone else chimed in with their minor interactions, and when the boss took an interest they played along and it all got a bit exaggerated. (Sorry I don’t want to make you paranoid!)

If it goes any further you should ask for the absolute specifics, not ‘you’re a bit difficult to talk to at the moment’ but what actual words were spoken on both sides.

sometimes for general chit i use cover stories to mask my true perspectives to better fit in with the individual so i can then learn more gossip or intel from them, but i always prefer what i learn to keep as much to myself or have an expendable person who you can say told you x if needed