People who say they need to decide nearer the time

It is frustrating. If I were you I would reply and say ‘Ah, okey doke, can you let me know by X (tomorrow/two days away/a week way/whatever works) as I’ll make other plans if not.’

Clearly not always true. My better offer is that I have two young children and I very rarely commit to dates in advance. They get ill, bad nights sleep, we are exhausted, Xmas with young kids is exhausting too so there is no way I'm committing early enough.

On the odd occasion my very good friends ask and I'm not sure I'll say I'll need to check if I'm free but always say I'll text them that evening.

But they know it's only because I have to check if it's a competition weekend for ds and I don't always remember if it's months in advance!

Yanbu.

With my (ex) friend who use to do this I started yes saying "ok" and when she came back and said "oh I can do Thursday" I'd say "oh that's a shame as I'm doing X now".

It annoyed her more that I didn't hang around waiting for her than it annoyed me that she expected me to hang around and wait for her!

They want a better offer and you're not a priority.

I voted YABU because you are incorrect to say you are stuck waiting - if they can play it by ear, so can you.

Just say 'oh no problem' and make other plans. Ask them again nearer the time if you still have a gap.

Lots of people don't like to or can't plan things far in advance - and that's fine. It is much less annoying than them saying yes then having to give back word.

Yabu, do you mean the day after Xmas or when exactly. People are very busy this time of year and literally after Xmas might just want to do nothing. Every invite for after Xmas this year, I have said I will let you know closer to the time. They can plan ahead without me but I can't commit now.

I don't think it's rude at all. I hate being put on the spot. People ask if I want to come to lunch on 27th. They already know that they're free, uncle Jack will have gone home, DH is taking the kids out etc. I haven't thought through the logistics... what was I doing the night before and will I have stayed over/ have guests staying over? When will I next have to prep something for work? Don't forget youngest has an event and will need picking up at 4.... There's no way I could possibly answer on the spot. And I hate it! (Often say yes forgetting that I've now committed to a four hour drive at 8 in the morning ... or something. And spend the next week thinking of ways to get out of it!!)
So I say - can I let you know, can I decide nearer the time. And if it's a casual arrangement the friend says "sure" or "Don't worry if you're not free I'll arrange something else" or whatever... we communicate..
No-one intends to be rude I'm sure. Just different ways of doing things.

This is everyone though. We all have stuff. We all have the potential to get ill. But if our diary is free and we want to accept an invitation we say 'yes please' and deal with later disasters if they occur. If the invitee simply doesn't want to go or is hanging on for another offer they just say 'lovely but I'm busy so can't come' no one is holding a gun to the head with an invitation. Nine times out of ten it's a simple yes or no. And no one minds the latter. It's the faffing around that's so rude

It's really not that complicated.

I'm 58 and this sort of stuff didn't used ti happen. But it seems to now.

I can see there potentially being other things in play. For example, husband mentioned something with his work or his side of the family, but hasn’t confirmed what’s going on yet. It may genuinely not be about a better offer, but needing to figure out if plans have been made on their behalf or not. Or kids might need a ride, etc. They may really want to see you and are trying to figure out how to make it work.

There tends to be a lot of moving parts for people this time of year, and assuming the worst of friends isn’t going to help anyone.

Id follow up, and if they can’t confirm, tell them you’re going to go ahead and make other plans and see them in the new year.

It's quite rude unless you're asking miles off or they give a reason (huge exam they can't think past, health issue) Give them a deadline to confirm.

Agreed, it’s so rude. ‘Can I let you know’ should be until they can get home and check the diary, no longer. It’s fine to say no thanks because you don’t think you’ll feel like it but keeping it in reserve just in case is bloody outrageous.

i also find this rude.

Give them a deadline to make the decision so you know where you stand. ‘Thanks ok, let me know by Friday if you’d like to come and I’ll add you to my diary.’

They are waiting for a better offer. MIL did it a few years ago when I invited them for Christmas dinner. She actually said “I’ll see if I get a better offer” she didn’t and I didn’t offer again.

They are being rude but why hold the day. Arrange what you want to and either go back to them and say sorry you couldn’t make / confirm whatever now doing something else perhaps get together in the new year or wait and if they get in touch re times etc say so sorry when I hadn’t heard assumed it was a no and am now not around that day Don’t be a martyr to rudeness

OP, you don't need to keep yourself free in this situation. Say something like "ok, well let's play it by ear then. As you're not sure I may make other plans, let's see how it works out".

You're not stuck until they make a decision though are you. Just make other plans, and when they say they want to come tell them that you're too busy.

Piss takers can only piss take if you let them.

My Dad used to do this all the time. I'd suggest going for a pint next week, and ask what day worked for him. He'd reply that he'd let me know next week (because he wanted to see if he got any better offers). I stopped being available when hed finally reply with "Are we still going out tonight?" and he eventually got the message.

This.

IF waiting for a reply from someone else, they can ask if it is okay to let you know tomorrow as they are waiting on a reply from your dc / dp / Great Aunt Mildred.

However, I wouldn't be 'holding' the date for them without that time limit on when they can let you know.

Have they said that they are "waiting for better offer" or have you just jumped to that conclusion? If waiting to know is inconvenient for you, by all means tell them politely, but assuming they are waiting for a better offer is rude on your part and probably suggests you don't care much about them. The reality is lots of people get poorly around Christmas, kids get ill, family sometimes expects people to fit plans around them etc. The reality is probably that they have things that they will HAVE to do at certain times, and can't move, so they can't make plans until those things are fitted in.

I agree. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and got a lot of nice stuff set up for someone once and then they didn't show up and didn't even contact us to say they wouldn't. We were just left standing there like idiots. Oddly, next time that person had a party, they were stood up by other people who were much more interesting than us, so I think it happens to everyone.

YANBU, and it is fine to say "No worries, if you're not sure we'll meet up some other time - I don't want to risk wasting the day".

I think it's even worse when you make plans with people who then cancel because they have something else on now.
Shouldn't they say no to the 2nd thing, as they have already made plans with you?!

This. I have a slightly more flexible version. Say 'check your diary and let me know how a day or two' then give it 48 hours and if you've not heard, text and say 'guess you're not free on Boxing Day so let's arrange something for January - have a good Xmas!' And breathe.

I think you need a good reply if people say this, something along the lines of no worries let’s wait until there’s a date you know you’ll be free. Or if any other posters could phrase it better.
I think it’s rude.

That's what I think. My partner does a voluntary role with a woman our age (60s) who lives alone and has no family. We asked if she'd like to come to us Xmas Day (it's just us) and she gave one of these responses.

That was several weeks ago and Xmas Day is a week away... Feckin' rude.