People who say they need to decide nearer the time

I take "I'll see nearer to the time" as a no. I'm not going to hang around waiting. If I'm still free when someone decides then great. If not, then I'm not.

We've all got things to do. I'm not going to hang around awaiting a decision, not a better offer.

I cannot stand when someone has the nerve to complain if I've made other plans because of their indecision. I'm sorry, I forgot you were the Queen.

@stichguru

The reality is lots of people get poorly around Christmas, kids get ill, family sometimes expects people to fit plans around them etc. The reality is probably that they have things that they will HAVE to do at certain times, and can't move, so they can't make plans until those things are fitted in.

Huh? So you would decline a social invitation at Christmas because there's a theoretical risk you might become ill? That's nuts. If you're actually ill you cancel when it becomes clear you won't be able to manage but no one can predict when they're going to be ill. Who lives like this?

And if your family want you to do things with them they ask like anyone else.

I agree OP: outside of very specific circumstances (such as maybe having a very unwell relative or being heavily pregnant) anyone who does this is basically holding out for a better offer or can't be arsed. No point keeping days free for people like this.

I hate xlas and always answer ill. See how i feel on tje day but prob wont make it everyone fine about it n no dramas you dont know what going on in people's lives so tfy to be patient

I had this recently, and fall into the "this is rude as fuck" camp. If someone invites you over for a meal, they are offering to keep that part of their schedule free for you, consider your dietary preferences and requirements, devise a menu, shop for you and cook for you. And you cba to say yes or no?
I had so-called friends tell me they'll come if they're free (I.e. haven't had a better offer) - which felt a lot like my home was being treated like a fucking cafe.
Obviously they never got back in touch. I had worked on the assumption they weren't coming anyway, but I can't say it wasn't upsetting to be treated like that by people I thought were friends. I won't be inviting them again, unless they invite me somewhere first, as I now feel like they don't value my company at all.
I wonder if they mistakenly believe it's a way of letting someone down gently? (It's not)
If someone invites you over for dinner, it's polite to respond ASAP either yes or no. Even if everyone says no that still lets the host get on with their day. You only need to explain why you're declining if you originally said yes and then flake at the last minute.

@IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic

The thing is op, while possibly most people function like you, many people, myself included, don't really enjoy planning ahead. (Probably my ND at play)

So it's a bit like me saying that I find it rude that a friend will never make time for a spontaneous meet up. I understand that most families plan and fill their weekends, for instance, but my ideal, and that of my close friends is to get in contact and then meet up that day, sometimes within the hour. We all have families too, it's just that we don't have full schedules.

I understand your point of view and because most of my friends are similar to me then apart from a large group meet up I don't really need to accept or decline advance invites.
I don't feel aggrieved that some friends need to plan ahead or think that they are "rude" because they don't have the flexibility to be spontaneous. I accept that they live their lives differently to me and if I want to continue the friendship I do so in a way where we both have to compromise slightly.

YANBU. FIL always does this with DH. We lived overseas and DH planned to visit, 12 months notice, invited his dad for dinner and was told “I don’t what I’m doing yet”

That was the last time DH invited any family for something as he severely pissed off.

In your situation OP I would reply - so that’s a no then. I’m sorting the numbers for food/seating. Hope you have a lovely Christmas.

They could be waiting for a better offer or unable to commit due to waiting for someone else to confirm something or expecting a medical appointment etc etc.

In this instance I would make other plans unless you are prepared to hang on.

Just say ok I would really like to make plans on X day so if your still not sure or unable to commit to definite plans yet, lets just leave it and get together another time.

That's shockingly rude. If you don't want to go, just say sorry, you're busy that day/evening/whatever.

Leaving them hanging and then saying you have something else on is unbelievably crass.

'etc.......and maybe they just don't have the headspace for anything else so cut them some slack!!'

If you're up to your eyeballs, you say no thanks, can't manage it at the moment, let's catch up in January / whenever. You don't string people along so you can see how you feel on the day!

@IncreasinglyMadWomanInTheAttic Apparently not. I think we were meant to feel honoured at being asked a second time. It was a different table member who re-asked us. Not the one who delivered the “stand down please” request. Neither was the guest with the friends. I never come off the subs bench. Either I’m wanted or I’m not. So if people are invited to me and hedge, they get replaced if they don’t respond no. No is fine. Maybe isn’t.

Maybe they are a teacher and on their last legs dragging themselves to the end of an 8 week half term and still marking a mountain of mocks, whilst also trying to avoid the family row about who goes where for Christmas whilst simultaneously trying to order the magic of Christmas online for their kids, as well as making sure they've filled their tesco online order in for the day before Xmas eve so they have actualy Christmas dinner. Find the Christmas jumpers...and probably wash them too. Also making sure that they've purchased gifts for a million other people, teachers, TA's etc, got something nice for themseves and their kids to wear on Christmas day, organised the logistics of who has what clubs and who's taking who to and from Christmas productions, buying the work secret santa, the food for the bring and share buffet, the end of term gifts for the work team, the fucking elves. Then there's the normal household stuff like washing and cleaning etc etc.......and maybe they just don't have the headspace for anything else so cut them some slack!!

By the way op, I'm not coming, I am staying at home in my pyjamas eating cheese for the holidays....oh crap, I need to go and add cheese to the tesco basket!!

Obnoxious. So you leave them hanging?

I don't think this is always rude but depends how good a friend they are and how sympathetic/understanding they are to a busy life. We are at the mercy of kids sports activities at the weekend so might be waiting for a match time before we can commit. Try not to use the 'can we confirm later' but unavoidable sometimes and our friends understand and know they can call it if they don't want to wait.

If I'm invited somewhere I don't want to go this is the phrase I use 'let's see nearer to the time' then I plan something else so I can say I'm not available

Any other time of the year I would agree. However around this time often families are so vague with you about their availability I won't commit to things until I have the must sees sorted but actually would love to attend the event you are inviting me to but if its the only day mum/sister/son can see me because of work shifts etc.

I would make other plans if I wanted to and just let them know. You can't wait around in case they decide they are available to see you.

I often say ‘i will check the diary and get back to you” but I always follow up with a yes/no

Yeah I think it is more this, like they have to visit Aunty Mabel at some point but that depends on what day her kids are visiting but they are waiting to hear back from their dog sitter, they also want to book the panto but that has to wait on the other plans falling into place and then dependent what tickets are available etc etc

having said that they should give you a date they can confirm by or you should just cancel the invite

I think if they said they would let you know within a couple of days then it would be fine but to wait until the day/ day before is rude. Next time tell them a date when you need to know by.

It's so rude. Strikes me as them saying "I'll wait and see if a better offer comes along first" 😔

Just say you have people who did commit when they get back to you. People who don’t really want to see you hedge their bets.

On a slightly different tack. We were asked if we wanted to join a table at our local ball. We said yes. A few weeks later we got a phone call to say could we stand down because X (influential village person) had now heard that their friends could come. We said no problem but were furious. I had bought a dress. 2 days before the ball we get a phone call saying “so sorry, would you still like to come?” Turns out the friends can no longer come. So in effect we were called in off the subs bench. Again. We said no. Either people want you or they don’t. It’s just rude to mess people about.

You need to say no then.

I can see there potentially being other things in play. For example, husband mentioned something with his work or his side of the family, but hasn’t confirmed what’s going on yet. It may genuinely not be about a better offer, but needing to figure out if plans have been made on their behalf or not. Or kids might need a ride, etc. They may really want to see you and are trying to figure out how to make it work.

Absolutely, which is why you reply "Can I let you know tonight?", which will be once you've checked all those things.
Not leave the person doing the inviting hanging indefinitely.